Please tell me he *is* cheating and I'm not going crazy.

[patchworklil]

A few weeks ago I posted about my husband from whom I was separated but still maintaining a vague relationship of "sorts" so that when I discovered he had concealed seeing another woman I felt completely betrayed.He denied the OW up until the point I called the number which was hers to check. Only then did he admit. I was also due to have our baby.

Anyway have since had the baby; since the birth dh has been like a changed man. He has been practically living here again and giving me much help. He also swears that he hasn't seen the OW or been in touch since the night I discovered the truth, nor her with him. I began to feel I could trust him again and perhaps rebuild things. He said there was nothing really between them anyway.

The trouble is that at the weekend a text message appeared on his phone while he was sleeping (his phone is rarely left unattended and I confess I checked). The sender name was enough to shock me - it was of course the OW.
It was only some inane message about what she was watching on TV. I confronted dh with the message which I left as displayed. He said "what message?" and showed me a blank screen. He had obviously deleted or it had inexplicably disappeared.
I then proceeded to tell him what the message had said and just wanted to know if he was still seeing her. He reiterated that he had not seen or been in touch since beginning of Dec last year. His explanation was that she must have sent it to him by mistake. He thought there was no point emailing to ask her why as she would probably ignore him and think he was crazy.
I realise I now have trust issues, but I feel like a fool. I don't know what to do next. I am very tired at the moment with a young baby and children, but it is true isn't it, he is seeing her again.
I suppose I want to believe him. No fool like an old fool, I think....

I would have said that you could very well be making something out of nothing - she may have texted him by mistake yes, or be trying to keep in touch even though he has ended it, or whatever.

But for one thing.

He denied the text message, even though you had seen it. trying to convince you that you haven't heard/seen what you damn well have is cause for concern.

If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be guarding his mobile at all times, AND he would have said "yes, I did get a text, look, v odd. She must have sent it by mistake." once you confronted him. I can understand him not telling you about a text if you ahdn't seen it and there was nothing in it, why upset you over nothing - but one you have SEEN? Why show you a blank screen and try to make you feel you're seeing things?

This on its own is NOT proof of anything, it's really not. But if you have a gut feeling, don't ignore it. People often know more than they think they know, iyswim. We pick up on subtle clues and don't know we're doing it - body language etc, that all come together to give us a 'vibe' that we can't rationally explain.

Here's what I suggest.

Tell him that you want his mobile for 48 hours. There and then. No warning. Just hand it over. If he has nothing to hide, he will indulge you in this, because it's something you need to do in order to draw a line under the whole thing.

I could try, but I feel sure he will not give me his phone. He still isn't living back here also and would have no communication.

Just to add, the 'text message' was actually an email sent to his Blackberry. Not sure if that makes a difference

ooo good advice from hecate I think. Is definitely suspicious that he guards his mobile and denied the text.

Hello, of course you want to believe him because the truth would just hurt too much i've been there and done that, but i think you should just trust your instinct i always new when my sons dad was cheating, i just did'nt want to admit it to my self because ultimately you want to be with the father of your child and you don't want go through a break up.
You are at a vunerable time especially when you have just had a baby and are tired, but your partner should be putting your mind at ease especially when you have trust issues because of his actions.xx

or put your mobile number under her name in his mobile and see if you get any texts...?

yes,the message was displayed when I confronted him and handed him the phone.
I saw him pressing buttons and fiddling around with the phone - he said he was looking for the message.

OK so he is spending a lot of time with yu and helping with the baby but has he actually said that he regards the two of you as back together in a monogamous couple relationship? Have you said that to him?
Because if it hasn't actually been agreed between you that you are back together, then who he communicates with is not actually your business (so demanding his phone would be well out of order).
It is, of course, perfectly possible that the woman sent the text/email by mistake - everyone does it occasionally eg sending a mass text to half your address book and forgetting to omit someone you don't mean to send it to - and he denied it because he didn't want to have to get in an argument about it.

Why do men think we are stupid seriously, cant believe them.x

no the principle is still the same - he denied it after you had seen it and made out you had imagined it. Cast iron response to guilt from being found out - blame the other person.

Funnily enough, I have had a text message sent to me telling me what the bloke was watching - but it was a long time after we had stopped seeing each other and it was a genuine mistake - I was very confused by it!

But - he denied it. And it is the sort of text message that people who see/communicate with each other regularly send.

So for you - but it's up to you now whether or not you want to rock the boat.

When she texts again, reply as him and see what response you get. It should tell you what it going on better than anything else.

Don't feel guilty for having trust issues! you are bound to in your situation and he should understand that.

I think you are right to be suspicious - does he keep his phone on silent by any chance? seems to be a common thing that people having affairs do ( but of course isn't conclusive!)

I think the fact that he deleted the message and tried to deny it existed is ridiculous and speaks for itself.

I would get the number off his phone and call the woman directly to ask her what is going on.

He could be stringing her along also.

I had an EX like this, he would barefaced lie and you wouldn't believe how far it went, he said I couldn't come up to his flat one day as he was decorating so we went out for dinner instead, he had actually moved the OW in and she was sitting up there watching tv.

I had no suspician until she rang me the next day and told me what was going on, she ran me down to the flat the next morning (he was still asleep) and she buggered off to her friends and left me to confront him.

He still had the gall to deny he was even seeing her until I opened wardrobe doors, drawers etc which of course were full of her things. She moved out that day and I also finished with him.

Bit of a rant, but please be aware of the lengths some men will go to.

Please phone the other woman for your own sanity and find out whats going on.

BandB - Yes, his phone is usually on silent
N - I wish I had texted back at the time as him,
SG - No I wouldn't say that we are back together in a relationship as before, but he has talked of moving back. I haven't agreed to anything though and not sure if (even before this) I could have taken that final step because of what happened in the past.

It is I suppose that if he is lying again I will have to change everything and there will be absolutely no chance of rebuilding our relationship. I feel I may have to put things on a formal footing in any case as I don't think I can cope with the stress.
He swore on the baby's life he was not seeing her or in contact with her ().

lc - he doesn't have her phone number on his phone (I checked his phone log even as I remembered the last few digits from last time).
I don't think it would make a difference if I could contact her. She didn't return my calls last year, she just called him instead apparently.

Pathological liars will say anything - it doesn't mean anything to them at all. I went out with one of these for 6m (well, I thought it was a year but he had moved in with another GF after 6m ) - it is amazing how plausible they can sound. This bloke also swore on his daughter's life that he wasn't seeing anyone else - HA!

Sorry, PWL - but take control of this situation now before you get any further sucked in. Even if there were a chance of getting back together, I would think long and hard about it - do you want to spend the rest of your life involved with someone you don't trust?

Thank you for the advice so far.
I feel I have been lying to myself both about the probability he is still seeing the woman and the possibility of us having a future together. The very inanity of the email/text suggested they were v.comfortable with each other (think somebody mentioned this also).
He does seem to have changed since the baby was born but I still feel traumatised by his treatment of us whilst I was pregnant. I even gave birth alone which I find upsetting to think of even now.
I was shocked when I first discovered he was capable of this last year, now I just want it to be over and not to have to live with the doubt.

I think you have started to make that decision then PWL - a hard one but in the long run, probably the right one. At least it places you back in control of the situation, which is where you need to be in order to be comfortable within yourself and to move on.

Good luck!

Oh dear, what an awful situation. If he is working to get you back, then he should know the circumstances under which this takes place, ie, him not contacting the OW, him being 100% honest etc etc.

Yes, agree with most people that the text could have been a mistake. However, him denying it is suspicious. If it is all to be about honesty, then he needs to talk to you about everything, good or bad. If he does this, then that is a very good start and IMO essential if there is to be any future between you.

'Some' men will lie to their back teeth to deceive you and 'some' will lie to avoid a confrontation or argument. I don't know which category he falls into regarding this particular message/email/text? All I know is that there are MANY great guys out there who would never have cheated on you in the first place. Only you can decide if he is worth it.

Second chances are not automatic and should you decide to give him that chance then you need to be crystal clear on your expectations, leaving him no room for confusion. If he can't fulfill your expectations or if you can't trust him to fulfill them, then you have your answer.

Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

I think you would probably be better off drawing a line under the relationship: it doesn't sound as though he is prepared to commit to being exclusively in a couple with you. Once you have made the decision (and it is your decision, don't hang around waiting for him to make up his mind what he wants) that you are going to deal with each other as co-parents rather than as partners, it will actually be a great weight off your mind rather than feeling constantly suspicious and anxious. By all means accept his support (practical and financial) with your baby - he is the LO's father after all but spell it out to him: you are both free agents romantically.