Scared of the future

[pariah]

I don't know what to do or where to turn now. I am in a bad situation and don't know what to do for the best. I am living with my parents after separating from my husband. I have been very unwell for some time and cannot cope with the children by myself. My mother said I could move in with her when my husband and I broke up but it's hell because my father is nasty and can turn violent (alcoholic). He verbally harasses me for no reason and tries to break my belongings when I've gone to bed. I am trying so hard to fit in here and not cause waves but nothing I do is good enough for either parent. They are angry with me all the time for getting ill and not being able to cope and they just want me out of the house but I am afraid that I will not be able to cope alone because I have no brothers or sisters and one of my children has severe SN. I have literally nobody else - the rest of my family all live abroad.

My mother also suffers things my father does and when this happens she expects my sympathy and support which I always provide but when it happens to me she tells me to shut up or even defends his clearly unreasonable behaviour. My dad resents us all and wants to be by himself all day - he talks to nobody.

I am afraid that if I move out I will eventually lose my children because my mother is at times supportive and at other times turns on me for no reason at all and I can't predict when it's going to happen.

I'm frightened and don't know what I should do. Is there any way out of this?

I didn't want to read and run, not sur how much 'help' I can be, but here a few of my thoughts after reading your OP:

Have you considered that you may be in a better place in terms of looking after your dcs away from husband and your parents? It sounds like your parents relationship, and your own relationship breaking up, you mayhave lost faith in yourself. I understand though that it may well be that you cant - but what if you had help and support in place - imagine it.

Your dcs living with your alcoholic abusive father and toxic mother is not good for them. What support are they actually giving you it sounds like a horrible environment to live in.

I would look into what suppor tis available in your area. Children's centres for training, support, help, groups, etc. Charities related to your child's disability. SS (and Barnados I think) offer respite for children with disabilities but I understand its something fo a postcode lottery.

I feel for you and hope you find some help and support in your area.

SammyK, thanks. I think you may be right. Yes it is a bad environment for my children most certainly. My mother, bizarrely wants to keep one of my children with her (her favourite) and me to move out with the other two I will absolutely not go along with that!

Maybe I have lost faith in myself. Perhaps I would be able to cope alone fine and I have just got insecure because I don't have a husband. But my social worker has said she doesn't want me to move out and thinks I'm too fragile.

Pariah I am really suprised your sw said that. It sounds like a really stressful enviroment to live in for you and your dc. I hope you get some advice from someone who knows about what sw can and should be doing for you..
Can your Dr/ health visitor give you advice on local support and help ? Remember it is not your fault you are ill you need support not all this. Sending you a big hug

.

I too am appalled at your SW saying that.

The cynic tha I am thinks that she would have more work to do in terms of linking you up ith help and support if you weren't living with your parents. Is SW aaware of your father's issues? Children should not be living with a violent alcoholic.

It sounds like you have a lot of big strong characters in your life telling you what you need, should do, can't do, and you do sound a bit lost.

If you did move out you would receive help and support, it may sound scary to make suc a big change tho I understand.

poor you. you clearly need to get away from all these bullies in your life.

You can do it. Start planning. One step at a time. Look at www.womensaid.org.uk
Try calling their helpline, you can be anonymous and they might be able to put you on the right track. If your father is abusive you may even be able to go to a refuge with your children? I don't know about this but ask them. Or email them.

You will feel so different when you get out of your p's home. There really is loads of support out there. And you have already taken the first step...coming on mn!

Check these boards, keep posting, we will never get bored with you.

P:S: So glad you are not even considering leaving one of your dc's with your mother.

don't have any real advice to offer other than to say you did a very brave/strong thing by leaving your husband and there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for you and your dc.

unfortunately it sounds like you can't rely on your parents, sometimes the saying is true, that the only person you can rely on is yourself.

leaving your marriage was a big step and it can be easier when doing such life changing things one step at a time. if you can get the help you need to move into your own place, although scary at first, you will eventually have such pride in yourself for breaking away and doing it all for you and your dc.

Yes, get in touch with Women'sAid - you are living with a violent alcoholic, they will be able to help and advise you on what options there are for you. Social workers are not always right and it sounds like you would be better off not living with your parents.
Best of luck.

Thanks for your replies. You have made me feel better and consider the possibility that life would be much better if I were living away from them. I will try to explain things better to my social worker.

My mother says I can't cope with three children. But if she and my father go away for the weekend, leaving me in the house alone I find that everything is much calmer. My mother wants me to need her, but she turns on me, periodically for a set amount of time and then changes back with no warning.

You are all so kind. I really appreciate it xx

Pariah let us know how you get on,have been thinking about you.
I hope some of the aid agencies mentioned in previous posts are helping. What you have said about it being calmer when they aren't there is really important - it shows you do cope better on your own.