Does post-natal depression wreck your relationship?

[whereismumhiding]

After 14 years together, 8 since we got married, 3 children 6, 4, and 1, my husband has decided he doesnt love me anymore. I have terrible postnatal depression diagnosed when our 3rd baby was a year old (about 5 weeks ago) this time round, and probably both times before but I pulled myself through it, and I have been irritable, angry and difficult. We've been rowing terribly, but the rest of the time it's good. Or at least I thought so. DH is a workaholic, although he doesnt see it, he also "doesnt do emotion". He tends to switch off when things are difficult. He doesnt understand PND and thinks I have only just got it as I'm tearful now but gave the appearance of coping before. I have been totally (or at least have felt as if I am) on my own in being responsible for the children, house, I work a stressful job (part time), all the childcare and organising everything including our social life and all christmas presents. I am exhausted and up night and day with baby as she doesnt sleep in the day and also sometimes wakes in the night. I have no family help and am estranged from my parents. I feel broken and broken hearted. My husband and I are going to Relate but can someone fall back in love with you? I'm funny, capable and warm when I am well. I know I am ill at the moment but I am feeling such a failure and wondering if postnatal depression can wreck your relationship and who you are forever?

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Oh Pitchounette, please find it, it would really help me. xxx Thankyou for your kind words. I feel so alone.

Gosh I hope not honey or else we're both in trouble!

I have just gone back on AD's after thinking I was doing fine at Christmas , my DH has noticed i'm angry, irritable and not smiling at the moment.

I hope your DH keeps to his vows to keep you in sickness and in health. Hugs to you.

whereismumhiding - you sound so sad, I'm so sorry . It's great that you recognise that you can be a wonderful wife and mother when you are better - this means there are lots of positive things to focus on.

I am assuming you have been diagnosed by your doctor? are you seeing a counsellor and / or have you been prescribed any meds? Does your husband accept that you are not well at the moment but that you will be well in the future? If you have been diagnosed with PND it seems that this would be completely the wrong time for either of you to make any drastic decisions about your marriage. Do you have any friends you can get some support from? If your DH doesn't "do" emotion (it seems so many don't!) then you need to get this support from somewhere else while you deal with your PND.

This might not be relevant but I remember hearing somewhere that in a time of crisis it is better to do absolutely nothing until it is over and you can see clearly. This is apparently much more successful that taking action when you are stressed and incapable of thinking straight. Do you feel able to talk about this with your DH and try to convince him to support you while you are unwell? Then once you are well you will both be able to look at your relationship in a new light.

I am thinking of you x

Love your name BTW! I feel like that most days!

Got a cleaner this week. Costing fortune as are Relate sessions, but cheaper than a divorce. But we still might end up there. I thought we had a strong relationship before this, we did have tempestious rows before children and carried on but worse when I had each baby (mainly as he isnt good on consistently helping as he gets wrapped up in work & isnt great on doing nights as gets exhausted too) but rest of time we get on, on so many levels & have a laugh. I thought we just needed to sort out how to talk to each other better when we're angry, so we can deal with rowing better. But DH is questioning everything, including whether he REALLY loves me, he says he knows he DID love me but thinks he stopped and if he doesnt feel anything for me - for him, that's it, it's probably over. I am finding your advice so useful and supportive, I like the bit about not making decisions in a crisis. I am on meds- fluoxetine (prozac) and have good mum friends but they have their own lives & really I cant talk to them about DH as they're our circle of friends which all has implications. I have been talking to my best friend (lives away, no children), & my sister in law (lives away, also no children) who loves us both, understands him and is very balanced & worried about me. I am exhausted and he has done couple nights and taken 3 days off work for half term to look after children. But my mood crashed today when I had all 3 kids on my own (he's in London tonight for work, he commutes constantly quite a distance) - as my life is groundhog day. I'm so frightenned but trying to hold on to a positive that things might improve.

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Thank you all so much for your advice and help. I'm feeling much better already. DH is staying to discuss things in Relate, but we're getting on very well. He isnt great at really supporting me, as doesnt really understand, but he is trying to be there more with the children for me which is a huge step and as best as I could expect at the moment. I've found a couple friends who can support me better as they just get it more.

DH is however listenning to the Relate counsellor's advice to take me out in the evening once week without children and I couldnt stop the tears falling when we got into the car the first time in the evening & drove to go out without our children. It was so lovely. (Love my kids by the way, but it's so peaceful without them fighting in the car!). I'm coming back to myself and remembering how funny and capable I am normally So if ultimately DH decides to leave me down the line anyway, well, he'd be an idiot.

Guys,

You all mention the AD's. DI have been on fluetine now since last April, and have felt very distant from my relationship for well over a year now. Is it fairly normal for this to be due to the medication 'numbing' you to emotional stress?

The reason I am asking this as this may be why it is so difficult to feel normal in a relationship because of feelings being held back due to medication....