Help! I feel nothing when we kiss.

[goldenparachute]

We've been together for 15 years, married for 10 of those and are now in our mid thirties with two lovely children. Naturally along the way we've had the usual ups and downs, however a turning point for my feelings occurred a few years ago - my OH really wanted a 3rd child and I was persuaded to go ahead, despite my reservations. Over a period of a few months, whilst trying to conceive, my OH's parents separated and this had a detrimental affect on our own relationship so much so that my OH wanted to abort a month into the pregnancy, what followed were the worst two of weeks of my life - I was torn between my loyalties toward my OH's feelings and my own - ironically, despite my initial reservations about a 3rd child, whenever I thought about the prospect of an abortion, I would see a mental image of the children's smiling faces and I knew couldn't go through with it, fate intervened and ended our torment with a miscarriage. The whole experience left me feeling completely drained - I felt let down and betrayed because I stuck to my side of the bargain whilst my OH had decided our relationship wasn't strong enough to take on another child and when it came to the crunch wanted to bail out... Fast forward 4 years and my parents in law are back together and seemingly very happy - good for them, however the same can't be said for our relationship. On paper, our material lives are great, but I feel like I'm now just playing out a role in a relationship which my heart left a long time ago. We have sex, we don't make love and when I kiss her I feel nothing. We know things aren't great so we focus on the children instead because they make us happy.

So anyway rather than just droning on I'd rather do something constructive about it. I've got a whole load of thoughts in my own head about what I should do about my situation and rather than just leave them festering I thought I'd dump them here for you to comment on:

1. Is there anyone else in a similar situation to me? i.e. you're primarily doing it for the kids. I have to be honest here, far be it from me to wish a crap relationship on anyone, it would be comforting to know others are going through or have been through something similar.

1. Can relationships improve after prolonged bad periods?

1. Irrespective of what problems might have occured during a marriage will you inevitably face the prospect of your feelings diminishing toward your partner and therefore it doesn't really matter in the end who you spend your life with because it's all just downhill anyway - some just have a steeper slope than others. (I'm semi-joking, but would like to know all the same)

1. What happens to a "doing it for the kids" relationship as the kids get older. One comforting thought came from a friend who said when the kids were young you spend a lot of time bickering with your partner but when they become teenagers you have to join forces in order to tandem bicker with the enemy.

1. Is divorce just a waste of time, money and in the end makes very little difference to your overall happiness.

I think relationships can be improved after prolonged bad periods - providing both parties are willing to make an effort. Would you consider couple's counselling ? I appreciate its a cliche ...

Realistically, I think a lot of couples do stay together primarily for the kids. If there are no big arguments or nastiness in the relationship, then it won't do the dc's any harm. I suppose its just a question of how much of your own happiness you are willing to sacrifice. For some people, being in a distinctly average, but not massively unhappy, relationship is enough. They keep plodding along until the dc's either leave home or one of them decides its not enough anymore (and maybe meets someone else). I'm not certain of the stats, but I think a large proportion of divorces happen once dc's leave home

As for whether divorce is just a waste of time/money etc. - again, it probably depends on how much you want it in the first place. For me, it wasn't but I was in a really nasty horrible relationship and needed to get out. Leaving was the best thing I ever did. The chances are, you might divorce, meet someone fantastic and be really happy. There's a possibility you'll end up in a relationship that starts off great and then descends into mediocrity and you'll end up no happier than you are now (and will have put the kids through shit in the meantime and will be significantly worse off financially).

FWIW, it sounds to me that your rl may be fixable. There is something tangible that started the bad period. You have been together a long time, you've a shared history and dc's together. Seriously - consider some counselling. If it doesn't do any good, then maybe consider your options from there.

Sorry for the waffle. I was just going to bump because I had no advice but it seems I've written the Gettysburg Address instead

i dont know if my situation is entirely similarto urs but yes i suppose that i am struggling along at the moment with what feels like a marriage that is comparatble with house mates that have sex.
we stick to talking about the kids etc and have very little intrest in each others lives.
i know i love my husband but there is no passion now.
i`m not niave i understand that children, money worries etc can sap the strength of any marriage but i do feel like i am missing out on a good relationship. but the grass is always greener.
my husband is a good man i hope these feelings will pass and we can move on to a better place.
but any man that asked me to get preggers and then asked me to abort would find himself on the step with his bags pretty damn quickly.
cant see my self getting divorced.
god i dont know.
i really dont know what to do.
its all very confusing and upsetting.
sorry not much help. lol

my above message doesnt make much sense does it sorry. lol

But Spooks, if you read the Op, it gives the impression the poster is a man! It talks about kissing her! not him! FWIW, I egree with your sentiment about if a man wanted the baby and then, once it was in place, changed his mind, but I really thought the Op was a man!

situation whatever gender.

Just my observation, but I think you really need to address the baby/abortion/miscarriage issue with your dh.

It has obviously (and quite rightly) left you feeling betrayed and let down very badly by the person your meant to be able to rely on.

I think this has had a profound effect on your relationship to this day and things can't improve until this is out in the open.

Its likely to bring out all sorts of emotions, so perhaps having a third party to mediate could be helpful, ie counsellor, impartial friend.

I agree you really need to talk about the baby/miscarriage situation. You have both been through a lot (this is the "for worse" bit). Your OH will be feeling massively guilty for what happened. You will be feeling bitter and resentful. It really needs to be discussed properly - probably with an impartial third party

Thanks for all the advice so far - just to clarify, yes I am male - sorry re-reading my post, it's not very obvious.

sorry yes u are male. same thing applys though not a nice situation at all.

goldenparachute - I understood you are male.

I have a feeling that the trauma of a few years back sapped the love out of your relationship and it is hard to get it back.

I had the same experience but feel things are getting better now.

About 9 years ago my wife went to a hospital for a very normal routine scan and a few hours later I got a call to go to the hospital to be told she was probably going to die. It was like being hit by a truck.

For a year I lived with that knowledge and then she miraculoulsy got better. We then went through a horrific legal battle for three years and then IVF and the the loss of both of our careers.

After 7 years of total hell and clinging to each other like survivors in a storm we came out the other side - but something had changed. We had 2 lovely boys but our lives had been indelibly marked and I felt that the love and fun had gone from us. We had survived but each of us were marked by scars and had each grown a hard shell just to survive.

As you say, some magic had gone. I have thought for a while that the trauma had hardened us and our focus on survival had replaced what was love.

That said, I think we are slowly, day by day, coming back together as a couple. Showing our feelings and our vulnerability to each other instead of hiding them away in a shell as we had learned to do for years.

Keep on trying and please talk to your wife. Open up to her about your feelings, be honest and I hope the love will come flowing back.

All the best

goldenparachute so sad to hear about this. Just wanted to echo Abetadad's comment that communication is the key. You really need to talk. Chances are she will be having some pretty scary feelings herself. I suspect it will be hard to talk about, but do try and very best of luck.