Is it supposed to be so hard?

[IFeelConfused]

My DH had an affair for over a year and in that time we have tried to make things work on more than one occassion, I threw him out at one point and basically he was stringing us both along for a good 6 months.

However just after Xmas things came to a head and we had a big talk and decided to give it another go. He has moved back in and things are over with her.

I know things aren't going to get back to normal straight away and in a lot of ways that isn't what I want - I know that the affair was a symptom of what was wrong in our marriage so would rather we aim for a 'better' marriage than we had before IYSWIM.

Anyway I digress!

Basically on the face of things all is okay but we are both struggling particularly at the moment. I have had counselling and he is now having it on his own - same counsellor - and I am hoping (although not discussed) that we will have couple counselling some time in the near future.

I just feel empty in a lot of ways....I'm still mourning the life I had and sruggling atm with not being able to plan a future because neither of us are sure we can get through this, coupled with me not beign able to trust him at all this is proving a difficult situation to say the least.

I'm feeling down too because friends are not sure how to act around me and I can tell that they think I am mad/stupid/sad/pathetic to have taken him back and I can see that they have lost respect for me I know if it was me looking in I would tell my friend to get out and move on. I saw a friend last week and asked if she and her partner wanted to come over for tea - trying to get some 'normality' into our lives - but she didn't want to as she is still so angry with my DH as is her DH. She feels bad but feels unable to be around DH atm.

My family support my decision but don't think I should be giving him another chance so this is causing problems.

However looking in isn't the same as actually being 'in' is it?! I always thought if he cheated on me that would be it - end of. The reality is that I have invested almost 15 yrs into this relationship and we are married with a young child so not that easy to just walk away.

I suppose what I want to know is is it supposed to be this hard? Does it get easier (we are about 6 weeks down the line of trying so I know it's still early days)? We find talking difficult - I want to he doesn't, and if we do we end up arguing.

We are trying to do things as a family on a regular basis and have time out as a couple at least once a month but TBH I'm finding it a real struggle and after seeing my friend last week I keep goin gover her reaction to my invite and I am doubting if I have made the right decision.

Sorry this is so long

Thinking of you. I know someone whose DH had an affair and they worked it out.

Took some time. And hard work.

Tell your family and friends you need their support - not for him but for YOU. And if they love you, then they should try.

Sorry can't think of much more to say but I'm sorry you feel this way.

IFC: I admire you. For taking your marriage so seriously and not just for the good times, for the value you place on your family and for your ability to forgive and build something better. Hope that I would do the same (but won't be telling my DH that bit unless necessary).

Just wanted to say it's still very early and I would probably take months so good luck and I hope you get to where you want to be.

It takes guts to do what you have done, especially being so open with your friends and family.

I hope it gets better for you.

x

sorry I have no more advice

Thanks for your kind messages. Feeling poo today hpefully tomorrow will be better

Keep your chin up IFC. As you say, you are mourning the life you had. It's a bereavement of sorts and takes time to get over. Just take it one day at a time.

Good luck.

You have a lot of feeling to work through. Do you know why you want him back - is it because he is the love of your life or because you want to WIN and prove that you had a good marriage? I ask because i have been there too.

If you are having doubts you probably think he is and if you ask him and he is reluctant to talk but says he wants to stay you know you cant trust him anyway - viousous circle.

It will take time but if you really do feel you are trying to mend something that is so broken you will never like it again then maybe you should be looking to take control and be sensible about seperation for now.

I remember thinking that we would never recover and there are some days now when i still want to throw the towel in (but it is less focused on the affair now).

For me the turning point was when we took a trip away just the 2 of us and i looked at him and thought this IS the person i WANT to spend my life with and hold hands with when i am old.

I hate what he did and always will - but i love the person he is most of the time, and i think he truely feels the same.

It can work out but you BOTH have to want it and also have to be honest with each other - tell him truthfully that what you have now is not enough for you - as it clearly isnt yet. It will take time but you need support from others - is your h able to face these people and let them flame him? He will find it hard but it may be what you both need atm. Dont protect him from what others are feeling.

I am sure your friends dont really think you are mad but i also know that feeling - remember you have done nothing wrong - but if you feel you are being taken for a ride still then you do need to stand up and not take it - and then others will respect you.

Anyway good luck and although the couselling may be hard it is worth it. Whatever the outcome finally is you will be happier.

Thanks HW. Had a difficult morning. Spoke to my Dad and he had a real go about DH saying he wants to hit him for what he did etc

I nkow he is angry and upset and hurt butI need his support not abuse. I have therefore calmly written him an email explaining how hard this has been for me and although I would like his support if he can't give this then he needs to step back and not flame me for the decision I have made.

As yet no response.

DH and I are going out alone tonight and I am looking forward to it.

I must admit I do feel as though it is still me making more of an effort in planning nad doing things....which was always the case before too.

However on the plus side DH was unexpectedly working later last night and he text to let me know but I was understandably worried. I text him to say this and he immediately rang to reassure me which helped.

Think it's just the feeling that it is all different that I am struggling with atm but I want to give it time and see.

In answer to your first question I think it's abit of both. He is the love of my life. When he is 'my DH' the one I married and chose to have a babuy with I do love him with all my heart but there is part of me that wants to 'win'

It is very hard to get over... and I think you never actualy get over it.. more move on from it and learn a new life together.

you need him to hear you.. and you need to talk about it.. and I'm sorry but he needs to do this for you to move on.. I think this can be done in small batches and not go on forever.. but imo/e you do need to do it.
Is there a way where you can agree for him to listen for 5 mins to what you have to say .. and you to listen to him for 5 mins? and then leave it until the next time?

Trust is a real mad issue.. the thing with trust is that it needs to be earnt again.. without you having to keep checking up all the time. he needs to understand that this is the case and help you with it.. which it sounds like he's doing.
but it takes time.

If this has been a one off.. I truely believe that you can if you want to move on from it. It's when it becomes a repeated pattern that it's worth reconsidering.. again IME.

don't worry about friends and family.. they know that situation and that is that. It is very easy to judge when your a spectator.

Do lots of nice things for you, as you must be feeling like hell. try and get your own funk back, and remember to treat yourself nicely.

Thanks BCNS. I do try but with little money and a samall child it isn't always easy but I plan to do this more than I do atm!

I know.. but you can play and dance with LO.. crank up the music and dance away like a nutter with your dc in the lounge, it will remind you how to get the laugh back.

take long baths with a bottle of wine and a box of choccies and do a home spa thing. Call friends for a night out and get dh to babysit.

it's a lot of effort to start with.. but it's well worth you feeling good about yourself. x

Deffinitey do more little things for you and stop feeling guilty for how your h is feeling - only he can make himself happy and only you can make yourself happy - this is something else i learnt from all this.

And something that makes you happy is to know that your h has chosen you for who you are and to know that you are enough for him and that he is happy with you. But at the moment you dare not believe this. Hopefully in time you will but your h has a lot of work to do - and i mean he has to do the work not you.

Its ok to want to win - but when you feel you have, do make sure you look at how you feel and if you dont feel good then maybe you need to accept that was all it was - your need to win (and dont feel bad about that either - i know you will feel guitly about leading your h on - but remember you are in this situation because of him and his actions).

Dont feel bad that you want to talk about it - that will fade too and if he really is prepared to put up with that it goes towards you feeling that he is going to stick around, but if he shys away it will make you feel less confident in his intentions. You will only start to trust him when he makes you feel safe again.

Real feel for you - it is not a good place to be but it will get better slowly.

Thanks for the advice. We went out together last night was nice but felt a bit strained. He's home late tonight which always sets me on edge - he works with OW :-(

Trying to stay positive and not ask loads of questions.

Hopefully there will be an appropriate time this weekend to talk a bit about us.

So..... DH came home and I feel reassured that all is okay. Had a cuddle and a chat.

Then I spoke to my mum and she was off with me so cut the conversation short rather than risk her upsetting me.

Just had a text from her saying that i was off with her (!) earlier and not to forget who has been there for me through all this. She doens't blame my dad for being angry and there is no way they can ever accept DH again.

Made me feel so and too. I know she wants a reaction so I've not responded. I know they aren't happy but do they have to hurt me with their nasty statements? They seem to think that me getting back with DH is somehow a dig at them.

Sorry just needed to vent as don't feel as though I can tell DH as I feel disloyal to my parents

I know the economy isn't great but is it possible for your DH to get a new job?

Sorry your family aren't supporting you, whilst it is understandable that they are angry with him, if you can try and forgive him they should certainly be making more of an effort.

Oh boy. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. I know that some other MNetters will have more seasoned advice but for what it is worth here is something to think about: You cannot control how other people think or react but you can control your own thoughts and reactions.

You have made a grown up decision to make your marriage work with your husband. It does not matter what other people think. That being said, your folks are probably allowed to feel angry but you can separate yourself from that. Their thoughts and feelings are their own responsibility not yours. The same goes for your husband. You may have to live with the fact that your parents will no longer accept your husband but that is there choice and you can't make it better for them OR your husband. That is their relationship to negotiate and you'll just have to let them to it. You don't have to get in the middle, even if they ask you to. Over time, their feelings may change. I imagine that everyone is feeling a little raw right now.

I know I'm repeating what others have said a little but it strikes me that you are running around trying to please everyone else in order to make things better. I would suggest that you stop doing that and take a step back. Try to focus your energy more on you and what you want and what you need to do to move forward in life for you, your marriage and your family.

Finally, time is a great healer. Things might not be better overnight but in some time you will turn a corner, you will see. Best of luck.

Ewe - not really although apparently OW is looking for another job but hey why should I believe her.

Greclay - thanks for your kind words. I have had a fair amount of counselling and do realise that one of my 'faults' is that I do try to please everyone. I am trying hard to focus on me and what I want and need.

In the past I woul dhave rung my mum and ended up having an argument. but i chose not to tonight.

I realise that their feelings are not under my control just as DH's feelings aren't either. Took me a while to get there and realise this. I still have set backs even now but I am moving forward and realise that people are responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and actions. And I am responsible for mine.

I plan to have a glass of wine or two(!) and watch TV with DH this evening. Got a fun weekend planned - stuff with just myself and DD and some quality time with DH too.

I would have liked to have included my parents but they are choosing not to be involved at the moment and that is their decision and I respect that.

Just wish that things could get easier I've had enough of feeling unhappy.

Things will get easier and you will have happiness in your life again. Right now, all you can do is get through the day-to-day, keep your expectations manageable and be nice to yourself. It's ok not to feel as though things are on the up-and-up just yet. I imagine you are still working through a lot of feelings of grief over the past year. You've had counseling then you know...one step at a time. It sounds as though you are focusing on all of the right things though and it sounds like you have a nice weekend planned.