aargh - gifts/effort/feeling cherished...conundrum

[regularlyoverwhelmed]

should prob post in AIBU

feel like an idiot but can't help feeling REALLY resentful towards my dh about the silly issue of gifts, or lack of effort therein

someone give me a slap and tell me to sort myself out

we've had a shitty year, I've been depressed, he's been disinterested, we've been in couples therapy, he admitted a fling that happened a year or two ago and that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me. Then he decided he did. We've been getting on better. I always put a lot of effort into gifts for him (and everyone else I hold dear tbh) - he doesn't and I suppose I should just realise and accept this. I have tried this time around but it is festering inside and making me resentful.

This xmas was a disaster - he bought me a dress that was too sizes too small, some horrendous gloves that didn't fit either and a book he "thinks I should read". He did also get me a nice book that I liked and some smellies (from the shop down the road on xmas eve, about 5pm I guess). It was particularly galling as I took the kids to the cinema one afternoon just before xmas so he could shop for me (as I'd one all other gifts) and he ended up buying himself a suit, trying on lots of overcoats and texting me from the pub before the film was even over.

then last week was my 40th bday (ouch) - we went to switzerland which was lovely. He presented me on the day with a pair of fairly unspecial gloves he had bought in the tie rack at luton airport on our way out.That was it. He muttered something about "real gift when I got home" but never mentioned it again and I guess was just saying it in case I got annoyed. On teh way home on the plane I wanted to buy myself some perfume which was half price, they wouldn't take switch and I didn't have my cc so I asked him to sort it out (he is a joint holder on my CC account). First he said he didn't have his cc then he found it and bought the perfume and presented it with a big flourish and a smiley " happy birthday" (wanker!) - he couldn't understand why I wasn't over the moon.

on valentines day I didn't even bother getting hm a card as I knew he would forget. He did. So I didn't mention it. Decided that it is just a commercial scam and what was the big deal. He was out skiing all day whiel I minded the kids. He got back and immediately went to pub with my BIL who obviously reminded him what day it was. Came home and passed something to my sis to give me. We went out for a drink before dinner (me and sis - we were all going out together that evening) and she presented me with a postcard in a paper bag, saying "be my valentine" - sorry but I found it hard to find it funny.

I just thought, after the shit year we've had and all the revelations of infidelity etc etc and then him deciding to stay that with 3 perfect occasions (xmas, 40th, val day) he might have put himself to some modicum of effort.

this time last year, for valentine's day, I went to loads of effort, bought slinky undies (which he knows I like), cooked gorgeous meal, seduced him when he got in the door etc etc etc. Now I have simply given up.

I know I probably sound like a whingey brat. I just needed to get it out.

how do I get over feeling so resentful???

(am gonna just post this long ramble now as if I read over it I will probably never post it!)

today all I want to do is tell him we are splitting - I can't stop wondering what is in this relationship for me? why am I still here?

there is very little physical closeness, we do have sex sometimes but only at his instigation, I gave up instigating a LONG time ago
he is not great around the house and I end up clearing up after him a lot, he rarely if ever gets the hoover out, cleans the floor etc without being nagged for weeks beforehand, he rarely picks up after the kids and gets cross when I get irritated about any of this
he does clean up after the cat though
he doesn't have much interest in doing family activities, especially any that require any energy or forethought
we don't talk about our feelings etc much as he doesn't like to delve, he foudund the relationship counselling very hard due to this, and wouldn't discuss anything outside teh sessions
he seems disinterested in the fact that I am depressed and have been on anti-depressants for the past 18 months
he is not generally strong or consistent with the kids so dealing with their behaviour (DD1 is highly strung, sensitive and challenging) always falls to me
he tends to forget standard arrangements and hav eto be reminded that for eg he is taking the kids to school/picking them up...
he gets all wound up if there is a playdate or something and HE needs to pick DD1 up
he drinks too much
I don't talk to him much anymore, I'm not really interested in sharing stuff with him or dong stuff with him as it just all feels a bit too miserable

is it the depression? is it me? or has 16 years of this caused the depression?

so many of my friends have issues with their partners but they manage to put up with it...

why can't I?

sorry, sounding pathetic again...am just so so confused and sad about the future

I found myself looking at 2 bed places to rent, for me and the kids. he could stay in our house and get lodgers in to cover expenses and get us a mini income to cover cost of other accomodation somehow

god, I don't know how people do this...

I feel I need a break, to see if it is better without him, but that seems so selfish...what will it do to teh kids?

total stream of consciousness stuff but I am going to post it as I find this is really helping

.

Overwhelmed.. you really are overwhelmed

I'm a big supporter of staying together for the sake of the children. But it kind of means they've got us by the balls.

I'm just a bit upset to see how often you've been advised that this is your problem, you need to up your ad's, or go into different therapy, or try to sort your head out.

It seems like, basically he's being horrible and demeaning to you and for the sake of the family you are having to put up with it. It doesn't sound like the depression is causing this, it sounds like this is causing your depression. God what do I know, but it WOULD be depressing to live with someone who has little interest in you, makes so little effort, hasn't the care or respect to talk about issues, and takes you for granted to such an extent.

I don't know what the answer is because of children. Without the children it's a no brainer. But how can you live like this for the next fifty years?

This post probably isn't helping at all to find an answer but I just wanted to say -- I don't think it's your fault. How can you change him by going into therapy yourself? He'll still be the same when you come home from your session. It's like a mindset. If he does a little bit of effort, then collapses back into the same old same old, then the next time you bring it up it's seen as nagging or "your problem". Actually I'm furious at him for you. It's not fair.

Yes I think lots of couples do put up with it, because of children. Or should I say, a lot of women put up with it, because of the children.

Just stop thinking it's your fault and his behaviour is acceptable and that it's just your reaction that is faulty.

'He talks a lot about his work, he is fairly negative, he is a bit of a loner and very fussy about people so doesn't have many friends.' - Overwhelmed, are you talking about your husband, or have you also met mine?! In some aspects our situations are quite similar. He's better on the present thing, admittedly, but starts asking me what I want months before and then goes over the top in buying something that's not what I wanted, but sort of close...

If we didn't have kids, I wouldn't be with him, I know that for sure. It sounds like your have a bit more respect and liking for your H than I do mine, you appreciate his good qualities and the effort he is making. Going to the GP is a positive step, but it seems that it's your relationship with him that's causing the need for medication (though I'm definitely no expert).

You are concerned that money will be a problem if you live separately, but surely the alcohol is costing an absolute fortune? I think he is doing himself a lot of damage and needs help.

thanks you two - I just keep thinking I am exagerrating things, and he is not that bad, or I am too demanding etc etc etc...it is hard to know what is truth and what you are imagining sometimes

the higher dose meds, or the sunny day have kicked in now at least and I am feeling less like ending it all at least

will give the psychotherapy a go. I know it won't change him but it might help me to make sense out of the emotional/behaviour patterns I am experiencing and enable me to discern truth from fiction

(he has ramped up a gear now, we are having a party at home next week and so he is like mr whirlwind trying to make the place look nice - if only he cared a tot when it was just me who could see it!)