Im so confused.......emotional abuse

[Gravitygirl]

Im so confused I need to write down my feelings and get it all out, please bear with me.
I have recently started seeing a therapist for childhood abuse and eating disorders. However last night I spent the while night talking about my H. I am so sad and upset by his behaviour I am pretty sure that he is emotionally abusive towards me but I dont know how to prove it. I have alot of issues myself and cant help thinking that its just the two of us together that dont work. I realise Im not totally blameless but nevertheless am sure the way he speaks to me isnt right.

Speaking to the thrapist last night she really made some things clear in my head about his behaviour. I was dreafully upset when I got home and I talked to my H for hours. He admitted that he speaks to me out of turn but that I make him so angry and eventually he loses it and says nasty things. He will not go for help and says its all a load of rubbish. Apparently when he was referred to a counsellor years ago ( at a rought time in his life, we were together) she said he was depressed because of me....

Im so confused, I kind of feel like its over , but Im terrified , I cant bear to think of my children without their father, Im not ready to let go of him yet and wonder if it can ever be different.

I feel so lonely, I have no family support, no friends and Im trying to pull it together for the childrens sake ( who are plonked infront of tv currently)

I dont know what to think.........

Hi
I think that when we become overwhelmed with panic and anxiety - and it seems to me as though that is how you're feeling now ? one of the problems is that we start thinking in very rigid, either/or terms. It becomes all or nothing. You seem to think you that you either split up or you stay together unhappily. That your children will be miserable whatever you do, that you are going to break up your family.

If you can step back a bit, you will see that none of that is necessarily true. For me, therapy brought up all sorts of conflicting, confusing emotions, and part of the process was learning how to challenge my ?all or nothing? mindset and learn how to negotiate and compromise.

Break it down into more manageable chunks. What do you want most from your marriage? For your husband to treat you more respectfully? To listen to you more, to understand you? That can all happen. My partner also wouldn?t come to therapy, but once I had started to understand my own behaviour, the way I responded to him changed dramatically, and out of that a different and better relationship came about. It can be hard and scary. Hang in there ? sometimes therapy makes things worse, before they get better?.

Gravitygirl, I am coming from the perspective of someone who has recently left an abusive relationship, so I am on ultra-high alert for things like the following:

" He admitted that he speaks to me out of turn but that I make him so angry and eventually he loses it and says nasty things. He will not go for help and says its all a load of rubbish. Apparently when he was referred to a counsellor years ago ( at a rought time in his life, we were together) she said he was depressed because of me...."

Saying that YOU make HIM angry means he is refusing to take responsibility for his behaviour and can blame you for it instead. This is classic abusive behaviour, when they turn it round and say that YOU are the one with the problem.
If you have experienced abuse as a child it can have a significant effect on your self esteem and what you will accept in relationships as an adult.

Could I recommend the wonderful "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will help you to decide whether your OH is abusive and why. Most importantly it will highlight that it is HIM who has the problem, not you!

Thankyou for your replies.

I guess what I want is to not be spoken to like that, and to just have a healthy relationship with him.

Lou- I am really glad that I am going for therapy myself and will see how that changes things down the line

GR- I know he wont take full responsibility, but I probably do make him angry sometimes?
I have very low self esteem, your right and this has affected my tolerance levels I guess but I still know there is something good there, Im sure of it.

I still feel very sad, I guess I will for a while to come...