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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend's IVF has not worked - how best to support her? Bit long sorry...

15 replies

blondieminx · 17/02/2009 23:51

Last week friends of ours discovered that their IVF hadn't worked and they sent a round robin text to the group asking for some time alone. We sent flowers and have left it at that for the time being.

Do you think we should leave to them to make the first contact when they are ready - or make an approach to them later in the week maybe?

Has anyone else been through this and did anyone say anything in particular to you (or do anything) which helped even slightly?

I'm so gutted for them as they are such a lovely couple and will make great parents. Just feel kinda helpless and wish I could do something...

OP posts:
corblimeymadam · 17/02/2009 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NorthernLurker · 17/02/2009 23:59

It was only last week. I would leave it for a bit longer then make a very tentative approach - perhaps send them a note or text - that they can ignore if they want.

I don't think there is anything that you can say that will help tbh so I would concentrate on listening, hugging and providing good things to eat, drink and see - when they are ready for these and you will need to be guided by their reactions as to when this is.

Original poster
blondieminx · 18/02/2009 00:05

Thanks Belgian. I did have a look round the Conception bit to see if there was a suitable thread to crash but didn't want to depress anyone currently undergoing IVF.

I saw your thread and I'm sorry you've had a rough week - it does seem that when it's taking a while for it to happen for you that everyone you know is pg instead. Me and DH have been trying for a year (I have hormone ishoos - now on medication so things are looking up, please God) and I swear in that time 10 couples we're friendly with have had kids, oh and loads of people commuting from the same station seem to have suddenly grown bumps too

OP posts:
Original poster
blondieminx · 18/02/2009 00:07

Thanks NorthernLurker, that's kinda what I thought but I didn't want my friend to think that her girls had abandoned her...

OP posts:
corblimeymadam · 18/02/2009 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
blondieminx · 18/02/2009 00:12

It is! Good luck to you too and thanks for taking the time at this time of night to respond!

I'm going to sign off now as it won't be long before I have to get up for said blardy commute!

OP posts:
AllwaysDoingSomething · 19/02/2009 11:37

Hi, I am your friend, well not your actual friend, but in the past 14 months have had 3 failed IVF / FET cycles. Seeing as your friend told you about the treatment I?m going to guess and say that you're quite close. (I told on a select few) Defiantly welcome a text or card saying how sorry you are thinking of them. Your friend probably feels like she has lest her baby, after all they did have living embryos transferred. Tell her you are there for her when she's ready to talk. Acknowledge just how sad and rubbish this time is for her and her partner, because it is. Please, please don't use the age old adage 'relax it will happen' because with the best will in the world, it means nothing to those struggling with fertility.

warthog · 19/02/2009 15:30

AllwaysDoingSomething - how can a friend help though? I never know what to say, my heart breaks for my friend and I always feel really guilty that I haven't had similar problems.

How does one be supportive?

ABetaDad · 19/02/2009 15:38

Just a thought.

Her DH/DP may well be pretty cut up as well. A blokes tends to not say anything to his mates about this kind of thing. Especially if its 'his fault' and he is feeling pretty down anyway.

We went through one round of IVF and then it all happened naturally but I must say I found it horrible and stressful.

ABetaDad · 19/02/2009 15:42

Apologies - I know the OP was talking about friends so was including the man in the relationship so I wasn't making a point to anyone.

Its just that IVF clinics and society in general tends to be focussed on the woman and forget the bloke. I complained to the IVF clinic we used about their attitude of ignoring me in conversations and talking only to my wife and they did concede that they were very woman centred and I got an apology and a promise to change their procedures and counselling policy.

AllwaysDoingSomething · 19/02/2009 16:13

Warthog, It is about empathy not pity, my most supportive of friends have cried with me, said nothing while I went on about how unfair our situation is, agreed with me about how unfair our situation is, sent me lovely cards with words of encouragement while treatment was going on, sent texts saying how sorry they were to hear it wasn't successful.

Please don't feel guilty, I'm sure your friend wouldn't want that, I know I don?t want mine to feel guilty. Reading up on some of the treatment stages might help. Ask how she's feeling, let her let of steam when it all gets too much, smile, cry, laugh along with her. If you have children, then don?t stop talking about them, life continues and your friend will often appreciate the distraction from her own world of appointment, drugs, scans etc. For me being reminded that I didn?t have the monopoly on hard times was a welcome distraction. Unless you know your friends finds them fortifying I would stay clear of stories of women who fell pregnant after giving up on IVF, adopting, buying a dog, shearing sheep etc. I think your friend will appreciate its tricky to know what to say, a nod in agreement at what ever she just told you and knowledge that you?re there for her will at times be enough.

AllwaysDoingSomething · 19/02/2009 16:18

AbetaDad, the male partner is often adrift at such times. I bet very few talk to their friends about infertility / treatment.

Gemzooks · 19/02/2009 16:28

thanks for your advice allways, my best friend is going through the same and I just want to support her, it's hard cos I'm in a different country.. and I feel so stupid and guilty as have one kid and about to have another, and she would be the best mother ever and it's so bloody unfair! I will take to heart your comments..

goodnightmoon · 19/02/2009 17:45

i agree with allways - it really annoyed me when friends and family wouldn't mention their pregnancies or kids for fear of hurting my feelings. that made me feel even worse about my predicament, that people felt they had to tip toe around me.

i also vote for reaching sooner rather than later after a failed treatment - i always appreciated friends' interest and concern.

(thanking my lucky stars every day that i now have a beautiful son.)

hifi · 19/02/2009 18:38

having been in this situation 3 times i needed a week to wallow then was quite pleased when a friend took me out.

she said we could talk about what had happened or not. i didnt want to at the time , just light hearted conversation as i was sick of crying.

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