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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I just throw the towel in and admit defeat? Long sorry!!

2 replies

mummytowillow · 16/02/2009 22:45

Some of you might have read my previous post about problems in my marriage?

If you haven't here is a basic overview, we have a DD 18 months, I was diagnosed with PND when she was 15 months although I had it from when she was about 8 months but refused to believe it! I was absolutely awful to him, verbally abusive, irrational, tearful, etc etc. I have apologised and admitted I was awful and he seemed to accept this at the time. I have been on AD and I'm a different woman.

However, just five days after I had been to the doctor he decided the best way to help me through this was to get involved with a woman from work, he said he didn't sleep with her , just texting, kissing and met up with her, this went on for just over two months, he left me on boxing day, phoned her as he left the house, but came back two days later (friends say she didn't want him) I wanted our marriage to work so forgave him and we 'are supposed to working it out'.

Now here is the problem, I feel like I'm the one doing all the work, I have been having counselling for the PND (and my huge issues with breastfeeding and C section), I've been totally honest with the counsellor and hubby but he is still being really distant with me? We have had sex a few times, I didn't enjoy it but thats probably how its instigated, he rolls over and tweeks my nipples, thinking that turns me on!!!

Things seem to be getting worse, we don't communicate, when his children come to stay he is like a different man, snappy, distant and derogatory about women in front of them? Which he thinks is funny (his dad brought him up like this to).

Last night I asked him if he thought things had improved, he said 'a little bit' Apparently we don't argue as much and that was all he could contribute! I got very upset and he just sat there and didn't comfort me, ask why I was crying or show an ounce of compassion? I then went upstairs still crying and he came up and played on the Xbox in spare room for an hour and half and never came to see me?

Its like living with a brother, he shows absolutely no emotion, affection or anything towards me, I even said that I think he only cares for me because I'm the mother of his child and he didn't say a word? He is a fantastic father to all three of his children, he helps around the house, does all the ironing etc so I know I'm lucky there, BUT he does nothing for me, he is not being a husband its like he is a helpful lodger?

The problem is I can't bear the thought of my life without him, it break my heart to think my daughter might not see her daddy everyday and I can't bear it. I love him and tell him frequently, he says nothing back, in fact on Boxing Day he told me he didn't love me?

I asked him if he has thought about the consequences of us splitting up, as I would move 300 hundred miles away to be near my parents as I only live South because of him and my step kids. So logistically it would be a nightmare for him, he would also be paying two lots of child support and have two divorces behind him, yet he still thinks he's a catch!!

Oh and I asked him to have couples counselling with me and his answer was 'do you need it then), so he still thinks its all my fault!

I'm sure some of you must think me mad to be still here?? Tell it to me straight, I need it!

OP posts:
mummytowillow · 16/02/2009 22:49

Sorry just a bit more to add (I can hear you groaning)!!

I think he wants me to leave him so he doesn't have to make the decision, he has real issues that people will think badly of him and he always has, he likes to be liked? He can then tell everyone I left him and get the sympathy vote?

OP posts:
MichaelaS · 16/02/2009 23:27

well, it sounds like you both had issues, but from what you've written you've got help for yours and are better, and have even apologised.

It does sound like he is avoiding the topic in the hope that you will take a decision.

Not sure what to suggest other than what you have done - perhaps if you could pick a moment and pick up the conversation about couple's counselling. I think it would be good to stress that you think your relationship needs it, not that you personally nead it (because that would be individual counselling). Do try not to use the possibility of separating and taking your child 300 miles away as a threat though, this won't help in the end.

He really needs to face up to his affair (which is what it was, regardless of whether there was sex involved). it does really sound like he's avoiding the confrontation - in some ways his helping around the house feels like avoidance too as its not giving you anything tangible that you can take point with him about, if you know what I mean.

Good luck and let us know what happens!

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