DH never comes with me to family dinners - makes me so mad

[buzzybee]

DH point blank refuses to come with me to any dinners etc with my friends or family. I've tried telling him awkward and embarrassed this makes me feel but he says they are my relationships and I need to deal with them - not his problem.
The rest of our relationship is average but every time this happen I feel so angry and upset I want to walk out the door - except we have a one year old dd who adores her daddy.
I try my best to minimise the occurence of such events but although this reduces the number of times I get upset, I think it is making me even more resentful of his attitude.
Any advice?

Buzzybee

I agreed with my DW when we first started dating that I'd meet each of her relatives once and then if I didn't like them I'd not be forced into socialising with them because I wanted to avoid what you and your DH are going through.

My DW frquently goes to family events on her own or with our DD because I'm not that much into socialising and her family were a bit put out to start with but she explained to them what I was like and they soon got used to it.

It maybe something to do with the fact that my side of the family don't have these get togethers so I do not feel the need to go, is your DH's family the same?

I know how you feel about your dh but I am the opposite it is ME that doesn't go to his family functions.We never argue over anything else but this issue. His family are SO unfair. MIL will not mind our children, when we ask she replies that she does not mind kids but if we go there out of the blue there is always a grandchild staying over. For example we are getting married in June. She has not organized nothing for us.Yet next week she is throwing a huge party for her daughters brother in law engagement. How fair is that? By the way she has only met him a couple of times.I could go on and on and need some help how to deal with this.I have really tried my hardest to be friends with her and I have let so much "go" but I think this is the final straw.Any help please??????Buzzybee i am not saying your in the same position but could he feel pushed out????I have been to functions before but not no more.Last time she had one for her grandaughters boyfriends parents I pi off to the pub instead..Discuss it again with him and find out if there is any anomosity there.I hope not.Maybe he might not be into the "party" thing.

Busybee - whilst I envy people who get on with their in-laws I have always found it a minefield - I really think it is good if you can be honest with each other about this - there is nothing worse than visiting your own family & having a reluctant partner in tow - it's just uncomfortable for everyone. I often (well, not that often as we are 300 miles apart!!) my parents alone, with DS, & DH visits occasionally - equally, I expect him to take DS to his family/friends alone sometimes to give me a break.

My dh is the same, and my sister's dh is too so we usually look like a group of single mum's! If dh does come along, we just gets all tetchy and can't relax. I've decided it is BETTER without him, at least we don't argue and by the time I get home, the house is clean and tidy too!!

I have similar problems with my dh and family although my family are so unreasonable that I don't blame dh for not wanting to spend time with them. As nice as it would be for everyone to be able to get along together sometimes these things will never be, and so to save yourself alot of heartache it's better to just accept things as they are. So long as he doesn't mind you going out then I would try and not get upset. I have found that the more someone feels under pressure the more these things escalate into a huge thing and it's not worth it. So long as you feel you are doing the right thing then I wouldn't let it bother you.

You are all voices of sanity. I know he hates these things but I just don't know what to say when I turn up alone (with dd!). How do I explain that he doesn't want to spend time with them without offending them?

Buzybee

Do what my DW did, tell them that her DH is a miserable sod who doesn't like socialising.

It worked, I now don't even get invited to the family meetings.

think about it like this - you only have to say it once, maybe its best to get it out of the way .." sorry hubby isnt one for these kind of things". they wont ask again - guarenteed. it just one of them things maybe you can agree with your hubby to look after the kid while you go - gives you a break and an excuse - either that or get him to ring and make excuses for all of you.

in relationships we want things from each other - i want hubby to come on some family things - he also wouldnt like it if i turned round - and i have and siad i am not going to your mums on boxing day -its my holiday too and i dont even like her.

so my hubby want me to atend ocasional inlaw stuff too - he goes to mine i go to his we both hate each others and its just tough shit.

even if this doesnt apply to you - your hubby must like you to do someting in your relationship - its important that you seperate this from need - need doesnt count - so does he like you to be at his family parties ? does he like you to go to his works events?
do you ever have to be polite and entertain guests for him?
there has got to be something in your relationship that he would like or prefer you to do - or a place he would like or prefer you to be.

its a partnership - on the non essentials - its like bartering - come and endure my aging relatives who tell not so funny jokes and stutter for conversation or i wont go you your common as muck relatives and pretend the new baby in the family is the most beautiful blop of pink goo.

my hubby once refused to go to his own aunties house with me and the kids after we said we would go, i went and when they asked where he was i said he is being a bit of a tosser today - ring him up and ask him yourself - which worked because i was calling my husband to HIS family and they couldnt stick up for him.

busybee my dh can be like this too.I suspect he likes the chance of lolling around in peace and quiet at home without me and the kids.

Been thinking about this. The not joining in family things does not really bother me because I am quite happy without him being there ( and my family can be a bit full on - great if you are in it, a bit boring if you are not) What does get to me is sometimes we get invited as a couple to dinner at the home of someone I know but he does not. He flatly refuses those kind of invitations so I have had to just come right out with something along the lines of that which Simon Howard suggests - ie that my dh is a miserable sod who does not like socialising.

On the one hand I have been taking the SimonHoward approach and just saying he is a unsocial sod (although I can't help thinking it makes me look silly for marrying such a "sod"!), and on the other I have been trying to think of ways to convince him that every now and then he does need to grin and bear it. Trouble is the many things I do to make his life more comfortable (organising our lives principally, plus making the bigger financial contribution to our household income) are things he would say he could do without (and has done without in the past). His family live out of town and the only time I have had a successful negotiation was after I spent a week over Xmas with his family and he very grudgingly agreed to spend an afternoon with mine! In fact, another thing that annoys me is that he very rarely invites me to come along when he goes out with his friends (mostly work colleagues) and consequently we have very few mutual friends (since he won't come with me when I see mine). Yes I could be stoic about this but it just seems to me that over time this can only be bad for our relationship (which is already lacking in much affection).

Buzzybee

Can I ask, why do you want there to be more mutual friends?

DW and I have very different circles of friends and it is rare for someone from one circle to also be in the other.