Going round in circles with a miserable DH - help

[tiredoftherain]

DH and I have been married almost 10 years. We have 2 small ds', one with mild SN. For the past 6 months DH has been displaying all the classic signs of a midlife crisis, the "is this it?, I don't know what I want from life, we've gone stale, you've changed, maybe we shouldn't have had dc's" blah blah blah. He works away from home a lot, and I have full responsibility for the ds' with no family nearby.

When he is home, he acts like a sulky teenager if asked to do anything around the home. He is snappy with me, and not too much fun to live with tbh. I'm certain there is nobody else involved. He says he still loves me, but isn't sure that he's in love with me, but cares for me and so on. His behaviour doesn't support that, he didn't get me a Xmas present or Valentine's card for example. We're fortunate that due to his job money isn't too tight, and I would have loved the smallest gesture.

We can't carry on like this, it isn't working when it's only me trying. I have really done my best to make him feel loved and cherished at home, cooking, cleaning and washing for him so he doesn't have to lift a finger, keeping the ds' occupied so he can have a rest if he's tired in the afternoons, ignoring his snappy comments to keep the peace. I've had enough of it now, but don't know what to do. I've told him to leave if that's what he wants, he keeps saying he just doesn't know. I don't know that I can make the decision to ask him to leave, it would involve a total relocation for me and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with that at the moment. Sorry this is so long!

Sorry you are going through this.
I think if it was me I'd stop pussyfooting round him and tell him straight. He either gets over himself and stops behaving like this or he leaves.
Have you tried Relate or suggested counselling to him?
Are you totally sure there is nobody else?
You have enough on your plate with looking after 2 dc mostly by yourself without putting up with a dh behaving like a sulky petulant teenager.

thanks ginnny, I've been to relate alone which really helped. He's willing to go but his working away makes it difficult for us to accept the appointments they offer us. I might look for an alternative. I think he could even benefit from going alone. It's like he's got it stuck in his head that he's trapped in an unhappy situation and the grass is greener elsewhere. FWIW we rarely argue and have always had a happy and stable relationship, if not a particularly passionate one.
He is generally very honest and direct and I believe him when he says there isn't anyone else involved (asked him last night..!) He's said if he was sure he wanted to leave, he would have done so already. I feel very in limbo waiting for him to decide what he wants but am wary of putting a time limit on things - maybe that is the best way to go though.

The male perspective.... (for what its worth)
Sorry to hear that is happening. I think there probably is a phase that all chaps go through when they realise life and freedoms are not what it used to be, and that they simply cannot bugger off and play football/mountain bike/drink beer without fear or consequence.
What is a bit odd is that he is simply not making any efforts, such as not bothering with Christmas or Valentine's presents. I guess that probably indicates the severity of the MLC (Mid Life Crisis) more than anything else....!
I think having your frank discussion is a great starting point, and I'd keep on working on that.
It sounds like you want the situation to be resolved more than you want him to leave though, and if that is the case, I think I'd leave the "separation" thing on the back burner for a bit...
...which bits of life at home does he enjoy, there must be some???
What would he like doing with you and the kids (either all together, or separately)???
Can he think of anything that he'd like to do, or plan to do, with you all in the next few months???
I know there is no easy solution.
Would he be open to agreeing some sort of "10 point plan" on how to make life better for all of you?
If he doesn't want to leave, surely he wants to make life better???
Good luck
GDIT

hmmm my ex was like this --grass is greener, why me (son with autism) ...etc. i did everything too...eventually he descended into full blown depression /crisis and i began to recognize the controlling nature of the relationship ...doing everything, tiptoeing around to keep the peace....

if he works away then have him stay away for a whole month or longer - have him really decide what he wants.

meantime stop pandering to him - on weekends or when not working days he should share responsibilities 50/50 .

he isnt a teen he is a grown man. with repsonsibilities. tough.

if he doesnt like it he should leave.

greatdad, you're right, I would rather resolve it if possible, we got on really well until about mid last year. He's always been a tad selfish but I've accepted that as being a downside of his personality, he had plenty of positives to balance it out. He enjoys things like going to the park with the boys, taking them out for a long walk, pub lunch and so on. We have a couple of holidays booked which I'm hoping will give us a lift. He is a workaholic and only took off 2 weeks in the whole of last year. That coupled with ds2 being tiny and demanding, him working away the emergence of ds1's SN (language problem) gave us a pretty tough year. It's like he's having a delayed reaction to the stress of it all.

c'estlavielife, I'm sorry to hear about your situation, that must have been really tough. How are things with you now? Is it a relief to have split? Do you find it hard to care for your ds on your own, or is it no different from before?

Tiredoftherain
Play the long game.... if you got on well for the first 9.5 years of your relationship, and its just gone pair-shaped in the last 6 months, then it will come right....
Deadlines are fine, but you have to be prepared to stick to them. "If its not better in a month you have to leave" is only worth saying if you mean it. If you don't want that, don't say it.
but.. "Lets try this, and then in a month we need to meet again to go through this list of what we planned to do and where we want to be" is much better....
Sorry if this is obvious/patronising
Good luck
GDIT

definitely a relief....is hard but i get respite and have good carers....

point is i was so long with a fourth child...much easier with just three.

suggest you insist that dh get counselling for himself. that he does something to snap out of this sulky teen business or he leaves. make it clear.

that he sees his gp and does the depression checklist.

did he used to give you xmas presents and valentines?

hello TOTR

have you posted before, perhals under a diff name?

your situation sounds familiar...

hi anyfucker, yes I have posted before but not for a few weeks at least, I think my post was under this name, there could have been another one. I remember you replying last time, so you probably are thinking of the right one though! It was in a very similar vein, unfortunately. Hopefully this will be the last one I write before I move on to the onward and upward thread..

Have been feeling so rotten and worn down by it all today that when he called from work this morning, I told him that I give up, and he should just leave. I can't go through any more conversations over how unhappy he is without any resolution. He was very shocked and remorseful. He is now starting to admit that he possibly has a problem (massive step forward for someone so proud and capable) and is receptive to my suggestion that he needs to talk to someone. I can't do any more to jolly him out of it, and although I can't be objective, I really can't think that I'm being unreasonable with him.

What really gets me is that he's blaming the start of our problems on ds1's problems (ds1 had an autistic like regression just after his 2nd birthday, and just as ds2 arrived) - which was obviously a incredibly worrying and traumatic time for me, and took me a long time to come to terms with. ds1 has come on massively since then and is improving on a daily basis but I don't think he's ever dealt with his feelings properly, just swept them under the carpet, which might account for some of the current odd behaviour. Either way, I don't want to be around it any more. I just need to be able to snap him out of this, or to move on.

Hi tired
I think I remember your post before too.

I'm sorry your situation is still the same.

Lets hope your DH really takes things seriously and respects just what affect his actions (or lack of) are having on your family.

I'm experiencing similar and have been for last 2 years. As awful as the heartache is and the mental dispair I've been going through, I can't hold a family together by myself. Upshot is DH is moving out. Not sure what the outcome will be but the duress of having to gauge the mood of the day and how his mood would affect me, made me terribly depressed. Therefore separation in the only answer for us.

I hope you guys can work it all out and can work out a solution that works for you as a family

Hard to do but put yourself first for a while.

Thinking of you, I know what its like.

TOTR, yes I thought I remembered you

I am sorry that things don't seem to have progressed much for you, but you do seem to have come to the understanding that it is not down to you, only he can put it right

please think, do you want to be in the same situation 6 or 12 months from now?

judge him by his actions now, not just a vague promise of talking to someone

if he doesn't follow through, then it seems you cannot allow him to bring you all down with him