Those of you who have bad relationships...how do you know when it's really over?

[SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore]

Any one who has supported me before will know that this is not the first time we have been here. But something feels different this time.

I have told DH that he has untill next week to find elsewhere to live.

I know, I know. You have all heard ot a million times before. But this time feels different. I am not angry with him. I deeply care for him but we are making each other miserable and I deserve more.

If it carries on much longer we will end up hating each other and that's not fair on the dd's.

This time we have even got past the argument and started talking and I have still maintained that it is over. If I had it my way he would have moved out a year ago, but he kept wanting to give it another go and feeling sad I agreed. But he has had his chances and it's not working.

I can't even just blame him. I am not even trying anymore. Infact I think I am being deliberatley difficult sometimes. But everything I loved about him and myself is gone and I feel it is time we gave each other the space we need to be happy.

Is this just another argument or is it finally over? I jjust don't know? I hope it is over. But like I said I have been here before, many many times.

Can you imagine a future without him? I never could. But one day it felt 'different' for me too, and I could see a future. I left. With 4 DC I had to be sure,so few weeks later we went on a weekend break. I knew then that it was over for sure. I just 'knew' somehow.

Sort of I can feel future. Everytime I think of the future I think of life without him. That's bad isn't it?

I never imagine myself being with him in five/ten years time.

I don't know your history,never seen your threads,but mine was a dv relationship. All I know is that I look back now and wonder why stuck it out for 12 years! Lifes very short to be miserable.

no it's not been DV. He would never hit me. But I have lost all my confidence since being with him because of the names he has called me.

If I am perfectly honest last time I had a night out I met an old friend I used to have flirtations with and considered cheating. I only considered it. Nothing happened. But even that is not me. I despise people who cheat.

But that moment I thought I would I felt so alive, it was like I found me again. I was singing and dancing and having a great night, as opposed to sitting in the corner worried what people would think.

My sister just told me if I am thinking of anyone else then the relationship is over.

I know she is right. I just need the guts to see it through now.

Did I write the OP?????

I sympathise, I realy do.

We have had our house on the market since Oct 2007 but no one is buying. He hasn't changed we can't sell the house (so we could rent and we would split the equity so I could support the children til the youngest is at school).

I have now applied for social housing as I can't see any other way out. (3 kids = childcare and living expenses that I will not be able to cover as I was not a high earner before).

It is so sad and depressing!

Thanks Reality.

I am still feeling stronger today. Though more sober lol.

I have told him he has untill sunday to find somewhere else to live or he will come home from work on monday to find that the locks have been changed and his things on the doorstep. My sister is coming round on monday to make sure I do it.

My mum lived with a violent man when I was growing and I can see now that history is repeating itself and I deserve more than that. Dh is not happy either. We are making each other miserable and it needs to stop.

He still thinks we should try, but we have been 'trying' for over a year. Thing is, niether of us are trying do anything execpt upset each other.

Plus if you had told me five years ago I would be sleeping with a man who regularly calls me stupid, c*nt, thick etc I would have laughed at you and told you I could think of better places to hide the body than my bed. I need to find that girl again.

The way you have described your feelings is exactly how I felt when I realised I couldnever be in a relationship with the ex again. When all the hate and anger is gone, and you just want it all to stop.

I feel sort of happy and relieved atm. Positive and ready to face the day. I am even going to start cleaning

I am sure once he moves out it will hit me properly and I will grieve for the relationship. But right now I don't feel that.

My family is full of strong woman. My gran especially. What she has had to face in life would have broken most women. I drawing strength from that. If she can do all she has done then I can do this.

Does that make sense?

I divorced my cheating/bullying (financial/emotional) ex more than 2 years ago. The tip I was given was to get out when you are more scared of staying where you are than you are of the future. I was scared of poverty, loneliness, unhappy children etc. and kept limping through each day convinced I could put up with my rubbish life the way it was (giving me IBS and migraines along the way). I'd tried to put right all the things he said irritated him, genuinely believing I could save our marriage single-handedly. But one day, I just couldn't stand it any more. I have said to friends it was like nausea. For a long time you think "it's ok, if I lie down it'll pass" and then it gets to a point where you think "no, this time I'm going to be sick", and it all came spewing out and I told him I wanted a divorce, that there would be no trial separation.

Unfortunately, when you have children together, it can take a long, long time to get over the effects of divorce, even when you know you've done the right thing. The relief I experienced at my new-found freedom (and the joy at falling in love with a wonderful new man) has in many ways been ruined by the continued irrational and controlling behaviour of my ex about contact/money.

I am now having counselling because of it. Mostly because I am so angry at myself that I put up with his behaviour for as long as I did. I now have serious self-esteem issues (due to his constant belittling) & overwhelming feelings of negativity. I look forward so much to the day that my DDs can deal with him direct and I never have to hear from or see him ever again.

I wish you courage.

Good luck. It will feel so much better when he's gone (and remember if he won't go you can actually have him removed by the police).
You may well find this thread inspiring.

Not good tbh. He has tried guilt tripping me. How can I be so harsh with everything heis going through? And to be fair he does have a great deal on his mind but that doesn't give him liscence to behave like an arsehole. Plus I think I would be better able to support him if we got some distance.

How will I tell the dds. Dd1 must know what is going on. She is/will be devasted. That would be why she is on top of the slide treating us all to a rendition of 'thank you for the music' then

Of course she will be upset but it will better in teh long run.

Apparently I want him to move out so that I have an on tap babysitter.

He then went into the nasty phase when he realsied this wasn't working. I have to get rid of my dog because he doesn't trust it around the children and I can't be trusted to keep an eye on them. Being the unfit mother that I am. I told him to contact the dangerous dogs unit and let them decide if the dog is dangerous. She has not so much as bared her teeth at my children in all the years I have had her.

The thing is I can see what he is trying do and all he is succeeding in doing is making me more determined that I have made the right decesion.

I can't live with this behavior for the rest of my life.

when it felt like anything had to be better than the life i was in, and any kind of struggling in my future was still better than what i had

The way he treats you sounds vile, would you really want your dds to marry men that treat them like that!!!

I think you be rest assured that it's over.

seashells I am going through a similar thing, ex P is having an early midlife crisis / breakdown. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a mother substitute and throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants ( I won't bore you with the details, frankly it bores even me these days).

ex P was saying how awful it would be that his children would be from a 'broken home'. er... Barack Obama was from a 'broken home' and he's done alright for himself .

Stand your ground and listen to your instincts.

I don't think he would hit me. He knows that would be it. He would never see me or the children again if he laid a finger on me. I was brought up in a violent home and it is not the future I want for my children.

But as my mum told me when I asked her why she stayed so long, they don't start out as violent. The man she was with was lovely and kind and supportive. Then he slowly changed. Which is what I feel DH has done, in a way. He was brilliant when I met him and then slowly changed.

I don't think he did 'change' though, I think he just started to feel more comfortable and reveal more of who he is.

The way he speaks to his mother is digusting and she just puts up with it. It is clear to me that he has been brought up to think it is acceptable to treat people this way. And it is not acceptable to me. And I don't want my dd's thinking it is okay to treat people/be treat this way.

I used to think he would 'change' back if I just did this more or that less. But I shouldn't have to think like that. I deserve to be treat with respect regardless of whether I have cleaned the house or sat on my arse all day. Or whether he agrees with what I have done with the dd's that day.

He has gone round to his own house now to 'get it ready' but thinks I should at least stay with him untill my father has finished the work on his house. Which has all been done for free. He got a trip To center parcs for it. He has fitted a kitchen, a bath room and tiled both rooms, platsered laminated and decorated the dining room and kitchen and built a cuboard around the hot water pipes and DH got all that for £180 plus materials. I think he got a good deal regardless of probably needing to pay some one else to come and finish it.

I hope things get better for you too Meglet. I have always thought that it is better for children to have two happy parents who live apart than to live in a home full of misery and arguments.

Hi SeaShells
Hope I can offer some support and encouragement to you...
My DP was recently 'removed' from my house after 2 yrs of mental abuse (not constant) but subtle pressure, over time. He had huge issues with low-self esteem and jealousy and isolated me from friends and family.
Almost two weeks on and I KNOW I have made the right decision for myself and dc's however, true to form he is terribly remorseful and I haven't had an easy ride so far.
That said, I have found it invaluable to talk to a lovely lady from Women's Aid, who has given me so much strength to realise, that breaking away is the 1st stage, staying strong is the true battle. It will be hard to do, you will feel sad, you are human but try, as I am to stay strong, there is always help and support for you and especially here, we can support each other.