My husband's cheating on me

[mandter]

Hiya, I'm new on here. Christmas day I found out that my husband of 23 years was having an affair with a Lithuanian 'Lady' 23 years younger than my husband. He's 51 and she's 28. She's married with a 7 yr old daughter and married to an illegal immigrant. She chucked him out before Christmas and purposely rang my husband on a phone she set him up with on Christmas night. She was miles away in Lithuania until January 1st so didn't have any worries about me or my 3 grown up kids going out looking for her (my husband revealed she lives a 20 min drive from us). I couldn't stand my husband's behaviour until she returned to the UK so I chucked him out. He has since moved in with her. Her mother stays with her in the UK for 6 months of the year, sponging off the state and sending the money back to her husband in Lithuania, and the old tart is studying to be a social worker, so all you tax payers out there are funding that!

My husband has since been diagnosed with depression, and is taking his happy pills, I'm having counselling and my poor kids aged 21, 17 and 16 are pining for their father back. He is starting to make more of an effort to contact the kids now but gets the hump with me when I try and talk to him. I've seen a solicitor and he's writing to him with my intention to divorce him, citing the tart in the petition, but he doesn't want to divorce me, yet he isn't ready to come home. Talk about have his cake and eat it. I would be ok with the split if I knew he would break permanently with her but at the moment I don't think that's going to happen. I've tried shouting at him, sending her abusive text messages, being calm and nice to him but nearly 8 weeks on I'm no further forward. Has anyone been through the same situation or does anyone have any ideas for me to try?

for you. even though I totally understand your hurt and bitterness, I think actually you should be concentrating on you. What do you want now? what do you need to get over this? Forget shouting,texting and being nice to dh and the ow, worry about you and the dc's.
Where would you like to go from here? Do you want to rebuild your relationship?

Yes I do, I love my husband dearly. The counsellor has told me to step back and give myself 6 months breathing space to think about a divorce. In one respect I know that's the right thing but on the other hand I know that when he receives the solicitor's letter it'll freak him out as he's panicking about what's in it already. I want to hurt him as much as he's hurting me at the moment.He's also told me that she has lent him money which I know will tie him to her. If I knew he would leave her I would pay her the money back but I think she is trying to buy his affections. Apparently her father has 3 hotels in Lithuania and she has £30,000 in the bank over there. It makes me fume to think she's come over here, she has a comfortable flat in North London, all bills paid, her mother works when she's over here and they get all the benefits to keep them going. I want to shop them in.

Errm, if they are taking money off me illegally, then by all means shop them!
If you did not want revenge regarding your Dh, what would you want from him? Do you thionk the relationship would ever be the same, ie could you trust him again?

ok,...you've got to stop focussing on her I think. Difficult I know, but it does nothing for you other than make you miserable and angry.
You want him to come back because he loves you and you he and you're going to rebuild your marriage.
Have you thought about couples counselling? would he open to that? Has he suggested he wants to come back?
I agree with your counsellor about the divorce, I know you want to hurt him, but all you might end up doing is push him into making a decision and it might not be one you like.

I'm not sure. He is a London cabbie and that's how he met her. It's very easy to make out you're one place and you're elsewhere. We've had our ups and downs over the years but his mental health has gone downhill for about a year. His family have a history of depression and his sister died from alcoholism, brought on by post-natal depression. His other sister is being treated now for alcohol abuse and depression so it isn't surprising that he has become unwell. My offers to help him have fallen on waste ground and that hurts because all I've ever done is look after him. I've been told to understand that the affair is a 'Symptom of his illness.' It would take marriage guidance for us to move on but I can't do anything about that until I know whether he wants to come back. I've tried telling him our relationship could be much better but he isn't listening at the moment.

" My offers to help him have fallen on waste ground and that hurts because all I've ever done is look after him." this could be quite telling M&T???? Maybe he wants to look after someone instead of being looked after?
Concentrate on you... continue with your counselling, do some things for you, a little holiday with the dc's perhaps?, a course, even a few nights out... obviously this is not going to go away, but you need to think about yourself whist he sorts himself out.

You're right Lovetingles, he said the other day that he was going to ask if he could come home but then went into panic mode and said it might not work (he did walk out on her 4 weeks ago to go back a couple of days later). I wish he would get himself a rented room somewhere, away from both of us, to get his head round what he wants. He's got to go back to the docs next week so I'm hoping they're going to offer him counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy. He has issues relating to his childhood that need addressing which I think are affecting him too. Right at the very beginning he wanted to go to Relate so if we get back together that would be one of the things I would insist he does.

all the more reason to look after yourself. If you have spent a long time looking after your dc's and your dh/family, you might have forgotten what you yourself actually want.

He has always taken a back seat with any decisions in our marriage (his doing). I've always tried to involve him but he would get me to sort things out. Recently I've not responded to all his text messages and refused to go to the doctors with him last time and he wasn't impressed. I've told him to stand on his own two feet for once. He accused me of not caring.

I'm sorry but it seems he has left you and he doesn't want to hear from you because you think there's still some future in the relationship. However unfair he has been, he is telling you it's time to let go and move on.
I'm sorry for your pain, but the sooner you grieve for your loss, the sooner you will start to heal. The process has begun with your anger and that will give way to sadness, then maybe some confusion but some day you will start to reorganise your life without him. I understand that it is a long time to build a life with someone and it's hard to visualise a life you did not plan, but for your own health and happiness, it's time to let go.

FWIW, my advice - from observing my parents' marriage - it to divorce him and stop putting your life on hold. He "gets the hump with me when I try and talk to him" is not evidence of love for you - in fact how dare he be so rude & downright disrespectful! And to accuse you of not caring - his hypocrisy is mind-blowing! If the ow did disappear from the scene and he came back, could you ever respect him again for a) betraying you and b)showing such stupidity & lack of judgement?

Maybe one day he'll wake up and realise he's been a total &!@# but that could be 10 years down the line or never. Men like this ime only really get how fortunate they've been, when it's gone.

Grab your self-respect, make a good life for yourself and your children, and give your love to a man who is deserving of it.

well that's ridiculous! He's left you but is narky you won't go and hold his hand at the doctors? you deserve more than this M&T. Lesson learned is right, start letting go.

something else mandter, I understand from reading other threads, that if you want to divorce him because of his adultery with this woman, you have to start the proceedings withing six months of when you discovered the affair. If that is so (and I am sure there will be others who will know better than I), your counsellor is giving you advice which could jeopardise your position re a divorce on those grounds!
for what you are going through.

sayit is right. You have to start proceedings for adultery or unreasonable behaviour within 6 months of you being made aware of it. Failing to do so will be seen as aquiesence to whatever has gone on. Name and shame her in an adultery petition. She'll find it hard to get a job in the City or Legal teams with that public slap. Oh and your husband might just see how you mean business.

I'm sorry you are so sad and angry. Who wouldn't be in your situation? I agree with others though: the Eastern European slapper is not your problem. Step away from it, banish all thoughts about her. It's not about her. It's about your H being very unwell and making crap decisions. Leave him alone and don't nag, fight, etc. I think you should definitely try to go away for a week or 2. Somewhere sunny where you can bake and drink and not care. Maybe a close friend could come with you?

cashmere and sayithowitis - the 6 month rule only applies if you are still living together. So, ig he commits adultery and you are still living together 8 months later but you file for divorce n grounds of adultery then you cant (unless he agrees). But if you kick him out/ he walks out, the time limit doesnt apply. afaik

mandter - I know how you are feeling/ It is really hard and horrible. All I can say is get some counselling, as this really helped me (ignoring last nights post of course...)

thanks OD, I didn't know that.

Thanks OD, I also didn't know that it only applied if you were still living together. It makes more sense that way!