Quality time in the evening

[Servalan]

I wondered if anyone had any ideas. Some background:

My relationship with DH has been far from love's young dream for the last few years.

It's got to the point where we really don't have fun together.

Both DH and I are very intense people - he more than me. He doesn't do "chatting" - when we do talk it ends up being about quite heavy subjects or depressing things.

To relax in the evenings, when DD is in bed it will end up that we are both in our living room not interacting with one another - one of us will be watching TV, the other will be on the computer (me working or mumsnetting, him playing a Lord of the Rings computer game).

Anyway - we're working on trying to fix things. We have been writing one another letters and are getting together an action plan to stop our marriage totally disintegrating.

One thing I have suggested is that we set aside a regular evening where we have quality time together. This is not to be spent engaged in intense discussion. Instead we are to do something lighthearted or relaxing together.

He has said OK - but he needs me to lead this as he doesn't have any ideas. TBH I don't have many ideas either. I don't think he is copping out BTW - just that it is a bit alien to him.

We are very skint. We can't really get a babysitter, so what I need are things that we can do one evening a week at home. Just simple stuff. So far I have suggested watching a film we both like together, giving each other a massage, maybe playing a board game (but I'm not sure what!!).

Ideas can't involve alcohol because he doesn't drink. Romantic meals probably won't work because DD doesn't tend to go to bed until 8.30 and DH needs to eat before then or his blood sugar runs low (also, unlike me he isn't very "foody"). I know lots of people would probably suggest sex - but that side of our relationship isn't great either, and I think we need to open up lines of emotional communication before we get this properly on the go again.

So inspiration please?

Thanks

redecorate the dining room?

sounds a bit flippant but something with a shared goal works well

could you plan a holiday together?
film night where you take turns to find a film?
Some complicated board game?
planning a refurb of the garden so an evening drawing plans and flicking threw gardening books together?

also a change of room, so sitting up to the table with the radio on in the background (to fill any silences), or in summer sitting outside.

Few ideas:

• How about a project - going through old photos and putting them in albums (reliving goods times while you do it), compliling playlists of songs you like or are meaningful
• Learn a new skill - few key phrases in a language e.g. for holiday if you have any plans to go abroad, learn a dance...waltz, salsa (You might be able to get a book or video from library for both of these)
• Sudoku or crossword puzzles?
• Baking???
• Making something together for kids if you are crafty, e.g. dolls house for DD.

Good for you for giving it some effort and good luck.

Turn off the telly and computer. Simple as that.

Bottle of wine, music on in the background and have those deep conversations (or have sex!)

film night is a good idea

make it more of an 'event' - get popcorn/old-fashioned sweets, cornettos, fizzy pop for dh and wine for you, turn all the lights off and snuggle under a blanket together

good luck

We do occasional film nights We make a night of it, make tacos and light a fire. Its good to do something together but that doesnt require talking if your tired.

Thanks for your suggestions. Really useful, please keep them coming.

Wine or mind altering substances of any kind are out because DH is a recovering alcoholic (so would cause many more problems!)

We do have the deep conversations pretty often - so that's why I want a regular lighthearted evening to balance things out.

We will definitely try the film night idea - and I like the idea of making special popcorn or similar.

The idea of shared projects is interesting - maybe the photos in an album would work at this stage. I think stuff involving planning DIY or gardening could probably wait until we've been doing this for a while though because I could see stress and arguments arising from this...

What are good board games or similar that you can play as a couple (not sexy ones at the moment, that would add lots of expectation and pressure on both of us right now)

Thanks for all ideas

How about playing cards. DP and I sometimes play crib in the evenings.
Or play all your old CD's and talk about the memories they bring back.
I actually like evenings when I'm on laptop and DP is watching TV but DP gets a bit narky if we do that too often, which is when the crib board comes out.

Backgammon is good fun and reasonably quick. Also Yes/No game - we've got a children's one you just have to answer the questions without saying yes or no. Another one, which my DS3 got for his B-day is something called Brain Power which is a board game based on Nintendo DS stuff, it's got lots of mind stretching things to do, it's brilliant. We don't score it (don't want to know how thick I am), but just do the questions. Don't know where it came from, but if you're interested I'll look on the box.

I know exactly how you feel tho', in a similar boat in some ways. Good for you for addressing the problem.

definitely know what you mean, we have been talking about doing something similar for ages now but seem to spend most nights playing on the laptops with the TV on.... hmm, must make more of an effort!

We had a flip book thing - think it was called "love talks". we got it for our honeymoon and took it out to dinner with us - it's basically about 100 conversation starters about all sorts of things, light and deep, future and past - like "who was your favourite teacher at school and why" or "if you could do any job in the world without worrying about finances or where to live, what would you do?".

I also love jigsaws, doing one together can be great as you have the shared goal.

you could try learning a new skill together like drawing or painting - you can pick up "how to" books for beginners pretty cheaply. something like charcoal sketching could be quite cheap and you can draw anything in your house - pans, chairs and tables, bottles, portraits of each other - lots of things to try.

good luck, and let us know how you get on.

Could you borrow a wii from someone, this is definately light hearted fun and gets you a little more active, maybe will realise a few endorfins (happy hormones). This my my idea for me and my partner, so I bought 1 for xmas, unfortunetly it was too late and we seperated on new years day!!

For a board game you can't beat Trivial Pursuit (well I love it!)

I thought ilovepinotnoir was suggesting a game of snap

We play games in the evening, and film nights are good too although you would have to have it all ready to go if your DD is up until 8.30. I suppose it depends what time you usually head to bed.

We have big brain academy on Wii which is great but we get competitive

We also do word stuff like boggle because it is quick unlike scrabble (I am useless at scrabble so maybe that is why I shy away from it) Jenga - no skill really involved, we also have a mini air thing where a little puck flies across little jets of air and it has flippers to keep it out of the goal.

We learnt Italian for when we went to Italy, that was good fun too.

Shared projects are a great idea, we enjoy trying new recipes. We usually do this on a weekend when our boys can help us.

Fab - some really good ideas which I'll start looking into.

Can you play Trivial Pursuit with just 2 people?

I used to play backgammon years ago but can't remember how to play it - I think it might be worth relearning. I'll look into Boggle too (not sure what DH is going to make of this - still if he doesn't like these games it gives him an incentive to come up with some ideas too )

The recipe thing may be good - I've got a similar thread in parenting at the moment wanting ideas of things for us do together with our 2 and a half year old DD as quality family time...