Violence - do I go

[atticus66]

yesterday am ? slight breakfast chaos, I was waiting a long time for a reply to a question so rolled my eyes, cue temper fit from DW with shouting and, most distressing, the belittling of a vulnerability I had confided a few weeks previously. Told her to f* off (not proud but she has said worse to me) ? she followed me up the stairs and hit me across the face twice. Since then I have been told that I deserved it and any ?red blooded? woman would do the same.

DW is on Prozac for anxiety and is generally highly strung. Normally she is very loving but sometimes a switch goes and she becomes very unpleasant. We've been together 10 years but it has been stormy. I and her parents think she needs anger management. But obviously when she is like this it is all my fault.

I know when violence starts I should walk but with a DD (4) and DS (2) I'll be the one who loses out. At what point do I realise that people don?t change.

Thanks

She will probably know what she has done is wrong once the adrenaline subsides ? maybe tomorrow.

Is our home happy? ? I?d have to say no ? does it have the potential to be happy, I think so. Do I love her ? I really don?t know anymore.

What about going to see her gp together?

Hi atticus,

You see her temper; doubtless the children see this as well.

What are you both teaching them about relationships?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. What lessons are you both teaching them here?.

What triggers the violent behaviour, what are the root causes?. She is acting like this for a reason, there are always reasons. Ultimately you are not responsible for her.

Anger management is of no use if there is or has been previous violence in the relationship. It can justify the violence in their mind.

You cannot help someone if they do not want to be helped. You seem to come across as perhaps wanting to rescue and or save her from her own self.

You have a choice ultiamtely - you two children have no say. Not at all good for them to be witnessing all this; it will damage them emotionally. If anyone was to leave the home then it should be your wife.

Womens Aid also have a section for men on it - I suggest you call them asap.

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220017&sectionTitle=Male+victims

The above link is specifically for male victims of domestic violence.

Dittany: if she verbally abuses him and hits him, is it that surprising that he doesn't feel very fond of her just now?
OP: aggression is sometimes a side-effect of Prozac - if the violence only started after she was prescribed the drug, a change of meds might help. But you do need to get some sort of help: no one should have to live with an abusive partner.

I grew up in a very violent home.

I have been violent to my dh during our early relationship.
I understand now what triggers that, why and how to cope with it.

I spent a great deal of time learning about myself and dealing with my childhood (I want to be completely honest with you...I'm not traditionally that "sort" of person at all ie a couselling will cure all type..however it made a world of difference to my entire life)

I would advise you that you must force your wife to do someting about this. If not for your sake for the sake of your children and herself.
Please do not accept living with a violent partner because you are a man. It is the wrong thing to do for anyone in the relationship imo.

Men's Advice Line
0808 801 0327 or
emai [email protected]

Opening hours: Monday-Wednesday 10am-1pm and 2-5pm

The MALE helpline provides a range of services aimed primarily at men experiencing domestic abuse from their partner.

If you leave the family home without the children you in law will be seen to have abandoned the children and your wife will become a primary carer by default. This will put you in distinct disadvantage over the parenting arrangements for the children ie your ex would be in the driving seat.
You need some careful advice as to how to proceed try here and here

The same advice I would give if the gender roles were reversed.
If this is one out of character incident in a time of high emotion then it could be a time of crisis leading to an opportunity for change.
If it is a componant of a systematic package of abuse then run as fast as you can and dont look back. Get support to maintain the distance.
Don't forget that either way if/when you leave, your DP will have access to your DCs, more likely than not, and possible be unsupervised. If there is a chance of rehabilitation it would be in the DCs best interests.

Sorry but I have to post.

Atticus, I feel for you. I grew up in a household where my mother beat my father who was a very violent man in himself but never retaliated to her. It was horrible. Not only did it caus a lot of friction we (my sisters and I) would hide under our beds and cry whilst it was happening. Sadly there was no help 25-30 years ago and my dad would never have had the balls to tell anyone like you have, so well done for that, but for the sake of those children she needs to understand that what she is doing is WRONG.

If you were my dad I would beg you not to leave us. My mum would beat me when dad wasnt there and then change into loving mother/wife on his return, he used to work away a lot too. I guess as the oldest I was her catalyst as you put it in his absence.

Growing up I had many issues but have worked through them and finally have a fantastic life with no hurt. I was diagnosed with manic depression as a teenager and it has taken years for me to control it.

Your wife needs help for whatever the root of this anger is, my mothers was PND and never really confronted.

Good luck, be strong and try in her more lucid moments to get across to her she needs proffesional help and NOT just prozac. I am talking CBT, etc.

You sound like such a loving father and husband, dont let her illness turn you bitter.

xx

What you COULD do is this.

bide your time, and wait until she hits you again. Immediately call the police, have her charged with assault and removed from the premises. Then get a restraining order.

How old are you children? If any of them are under six, your employer has a duty to consider flexible working - which means no overnighters away. Try to find a child minder. If not, you'll have to find another job if you can...

or you could leave her,. and leave the children with her - but someone who can hit you and NOT accept that she has done something wrong is someone I would not be leaving my children with. Nobody 'asks' to be hit.

Follow the links and make your decision but you have to accept that life can't continue like this. her behavior is abusive and appalling, and although YOUU may be prepared to tolerate the odd slap for the continuation of the status quo (and God knows I was) - you're asking your children to tolerate watching one parent abuse their other parent for the continuation of your status quo, and that's a lot to ask of your children.

I hope you get this ssorted out

Violence by anyone is inexcusable.

I think we have to have the question upmost in our minds:
If the sexes were reversed what would our reaction be?

We should treat this man as equal as a female victim of DV.

I'm actually quite amazed by the reactions (in a good way) recognising female on male DV as the usual propaganda is that female on male DV does not exist (when 1 in 6 men will be a victim of DV).

You need to warn the police about the situation - go and see your local family liaison officer and report the incident. You would be advised to keep a diary of events and if you are assaulted then have proof (pictures etc). Then you should call the police - don't accept any nonsense from the police about men not having DV on them or that you should 'be a man etc', this belittling is nothing more than pure sexism. Would a women be treated in the same way?

You should also think about how you want this to progress - but a person with an anger problem needs to acknowledge it and deal with it. That can be either seeing a counsellor / anger management. Maybe Relate would be good for you guys too, but the wifey needs to acknowledge her behaviour and how it is totally unacceptable.

Do you think the relationship is salvageable?

keep strong

Only you can decide whether you are ready to take that huge step and leave her.

Violence in a relationship is NEVER right and the fact that she is a woman and you are a bloke is irrelevant.

You say she would never hit the children, but in all honesty, if she is losing it enough to hit you then she is not capable of keeping her temper enough to not hit the children if they are in the firing line when she loses her temper after you've gone.

Whether the children are being actually physically harmed at the moment or not is to some extent irrelevant, they are definitely witnesses to violence and the abuse of you by your wife. This is unacceptable and could be classed as emotional abuse.

Your wife needs help. If she is not prepared to seek this help, I think you owe it to yourself and your children to ask her to leave so your home can become settled again.

Please do not consider leaving your children with this woman without you there.

Anyone who can't control their own temperament more often than not.

Swears and goes hysterical without much provocation

and especially in front of their children are abusive.

This type of behaviour only leads to bitterness and destruction.

However, it's for you to decide how much good this is doing for the kids and for the entire family.

If you want to keep your family together you may want to think about suggesting that your DW to separate from the family for a while that she may get help and the whole family recoup before trying to come together to try again, if you so wish.

Well, I presented the ultimatum on Sat. That kicked off another round and was told how her anger was direct result of my failings. Again I was told that in any court of law or public opinion, she was entirely justified in what she did. I must admit I took a certain pleasure in telling her what the response here was.

I was fairly matter of fact which probably made things worse. However, the next morning I was presented with a note which said she agreed to take an anger management course. My feeling is that this is more prompted by her desire not to split the family up rather than any strong feelings for me but I may be being overly cynical.

Haven't had an apology yet which would have been nice. However, Its a step forward at least and we are visiting the inlaws this week who tend to be a force for reason in this situation.

Thank you all for your very kind support and advice.

Atticus,

You need to realise that anger management won't help at all if there has been or is violence within the relationship. Therefore what she proposes will not likely work and is only being suggested by her to keep you aquiescent.

This is all about power and control. This is what abuse is all about. You are letting yourself be controlled by her; she has you exactly where she wants you.

What will actually work is for you and she to separate entirely from each other. The children stay with you, not her. Your children will be and are being damaged by all this crap; would you want your own children as adults to act violently towards their partners?. Of course not but this is what is being taught here. Its not just therefore about you any more.

What are you both teaching them about relationships?. Would appreciate a response to that particular question.

I would totally agree with squonk's comment:-
"If she is not prepared to seek this help, I think you owe it to yourself and your children to ask her to leave so your home can become settled again.

Please do not consider leaving your children with this woman without you there".

I note as well that she has blamed you; that is never a good sign. Its also abusive behaviour.

I too think that you may be the loser if you leave even though you are not the one causing the problems.

I also suffer from anxiety and depression and in the past, there were times when I would feel almost choked with rage for no real reason. Whilst I never hit dh or the dcs, I can say the anger is almost overwhelming, totally irrational and very hard to control.

If she has been on prozac for several years, it may be that it is no longer as effective as it was, and she should consider a change in medication. Would also suggest counselling (although not sure about anger management).

I used to have a foul temper ,it took alot to really get to me ,but then i would flip and be near hysterical with rage ,took my agression out on innamate objects ,but have screamed/sworn at my children . Hated myself for doing it ,never felt anything but shame afterwards .Decided to change myself ,learnt to recognise the feelings before they reached critical mass ,and walk away , count to ten ,breathe etc and now cant remember the last time it happened . I am much happier and my relationship with my son is 100% better . Your wife is clearly deeply unhappy BUT that is no excuse for her behaviour ,i hope she does get some anger managemnet counselling ,for all your sakes regardless of whether your relationship lasts or not ,good luck

Atilla - I realise that it is not an ideal solution and v damaging for the children but I've got it give it at least one last chance.

However, I have just been called at work - its obviously been festering and again been shouted at that while she will do the counselling I need to look at my own failings. I'm happy to do that - I can be moody & uncommunicative which obviously winds her up but I have said that the two issues are separate. I may be upsetting her but anger is not the way to deal with that. Anyway, obviously things aren't as positive as I first thought.

I'm not an expert but there is really no chance of me getting care of the children is there. There is no formal history of violence and its all going to come down to my my word against her's.

atticus - i am so sorry you are going through this. I feel quite on behalf of you and your wife. She has been put on Prozac and just left to it? That happened to me, i was terrible - awful fits of temper, threw hot tea over my DP, smashed the kitchen up - terrifying rages. ALL fueled by anxiety - it just eats away at you until you explode. In the end my DP took me to the doctors and said, "!if you don't do something to help her, one of us is going to get hurt, or worse". Funnily enough, the counselling that wasn't available on the NHS materialised out of thin air, i was referred to the mental health team and i now have counselling. It has saved our relationship. I think you need to go along to the doctors with your wife and explain the situation. She might need to up her dose (i did, twice!) and or have different meds. The vile things i used to say to my DP, and how he hasn't throttled me i don't know! This could well be PND - that was what it was with me, undiagnosed by idiot HV who said to me when i had my DD i was in danger of clinical depression and that she would be back later in the week - guess what, she never came back!! I got so much worse.

I too am very affectionate person, but i just can't help but push and push and push until i get a reaction. I can feel myself smirking when DP finally cracks - but i love that man more than life itself. He is my life, along with DDs. I was awful to DD1 too (all because of pent up anxiety) (she was about 15) and i hate myself for it. Your wife needs help, because, if she can do this to you, she can do it too her children too

Go back to the doctors and demand help.

atticus - the days of the children automatically being placed with the mum are (pretty much) over and the courts will look at all the evidence.

Even if it does come down to your word against hers... your word has the benefit of being true and therefore more believable than her lies.

If she is violent towards you again, make a record of it, either by keeping a diary where you detail every little thing and take photographs if there is any visible injury; or by telephoning the police. If it does come down to your word against hers in the future, you will have evidence to back up your word.

I repeat that it may be dangerous to leave your children with someone so unstable so please don't take the attitude "oh I wouldn't get the children anyway" and leave without them.

yes, you may well need to look at yourself, and how you react to your wife. None of us are perfect. Don't take that comment to heart - it must be terrible for her to have to accept what she has become and its just easier to blame the other partner. Honestly, if my partner wasn't at work now and just talking to me on the phone inbetween posts, i could be forgiven in thinking you were him!!! Of course i blamed him, still do sometimes, but my counsellor is very good at pointing out that actually, I am the one with the problem and whilst yes, sometimes DP can be an arse, everyone is an arse from time to time its just that most people don't turn it into world war three! I would love for my DP to come to counselling with me, but he wont, thinks its a failing in him, its not - i just think it would help him to know how to deal with me sometimes.

She has agreed to go to counselling, that is fantastic - she is probably a very frightened lady just now - but it can only get better.