would you stay in a relationship just for the sex?

[sparklet]

I've been with my DP just under a year - a long distance thing so we only see eachother once every 2-3 weeks. I thought it was love and we got engaged but he's now showing his true colours and I'm not sure how much I want to be with him. I actually don't want a live-in relationship at the moment and think we rushed things. Just want to be in a relationship with a great guy who treats me well and who I see fairly regularly.

He's not nasty or abusive or anything like that - just clueless about what he wants out of life (he's 53!). Also he's happy if everything's going along nicely but as soon as I get what he calls "emotional" he just shuts down and I end up feeling pissed off and hurt. The plus sides are he can be very warm and affectionate, I enjoy his company and the sex is utterly fabulous. It's my first relationship since divorce and to have the sex again has been wonderful. I could walk away if I wanted to but I keep thinking about what I'd be losing. Help!

Is he pressing for marriage or to move in together? If not, relax and stop worrying: no one is standing behind you with a stopwatch insisting you either 'move forward' or split up.
Be aware that if he is pushing to move in together it may not be that he is desperately in love so much as he wants domestic service from you and/or financial backup.
A relationship where you see each other every couple of weeks for sex and fun is a perfectly valid relationship as long as both participants are happy. Oh, and it's worth making sure that both feel the same way about whether or not the relationship should be monogamous (again, it's down to you and him, not what other people might think or say.) GOod luck. Relationships don't have to follow a specific model, it's all about what the partners actually want from each other.

So you're engaged to somebody who shuts down when his fiancée gets 'emotional'...?

Real catch.

You said it SWBL! I'm wondering how much I actually like a man who starts telling me I'm getting heavy and demanding when I bring up things that have been troubling me. And I don't do it very often either! And hear what you're saying solidgold but we'd have to totally re-evaluate our relationship and am having trouble deciding how that would work.

The phrase, "too much too soon" sprung to mind when I read your message. This is all too rushed and I don;t think you know each other at all well. I think you met him when you were very lonely and vulnerable.

If he's clueless what he wants out of life at 53 then he really hasn't got all that much going for him. What's his relationship history?. Being engaged to somebody who shuts down when you become emotional is not good either. What support could he give you on a day to day basis. LDR is one thing; being with him all the time would be quite another.

The sex may well be good but there does nto seem to be all that much else. What happens when the passion fades?.

Cut your losses and give your love and time to someone who isn't so scared of it. Fair enough it's long distance and may be hard to commit physically to each other, but it shouldn't be hard to commit emotionally to your fiancée. When will that change? When you're married? Or will you still be treated like an overly clingy girlfriend then, too?

Yes, he even called me insecure last night - ouch! Attila, he got divorced 12 years ago and has kids of 18 and 20 but still hasn't moved on. He expresses resentment towards his ex and treats his 18 year-old son as if he were 8 - is very possessive about him.

If I wanted to stay with him I know I'd have to largely keep my feelings to myself and being a very open person, would find that terrifically hard. Like the bit about emotional commitment SWBL - he should love me warts and all shouldn't he?

Sparklet, what do you actually want out of a relationship? If you want love, commitment, etc then this man probably isn't going to offer them and you should perhaps look elsewhere. If what you want from him is sex and amusing company, and you are happy to get the emotional support you want from other people then enjoy him for what he is and don't fret about what he isn;t - but it does sound to me as though you do want a commitment and therefore I think you might be happier with someone else.
I'm a great believer in accepting people for who they actually are ie a friend who is great fun but utterly reliable should not be relied on but shouldn't be cut off totally either, because sometimes a bit of fun is what you actually want and need.

sparklet,

Re your comment:-

"He got divorced 12 years ago and has kids of 18 and 20 but still hasn't moved on. He expresses resentment towards his ex and treats his 18 year-old son as if he were 8 - is very possessive about him".

I'd walk away now and finish this. This man's relationship history is not at all good in that he's never moved on from that point. He's also projecting his own insecurities onto you - never a good sign.

op - no way

Nope. Sex is just a part of the whole relationship.

The physical side may be great but if the emotional side is not working then you may well end up resenting him which will kibosh the sex anyway.

Yes, sex and emotions for us girls tend to go hand in hand. The fact that I don't want to have sex with him at all at the moment because he's hurt me makes me realise this.

OK, just bin him: this is not a matter of having a fun sexy relationship that isn't going to 'progress' to living together or marriage(no reason why a relationship should do that) - this is a matter of dating a dickwad. You can do better. Best of luck.

Solid gold....you always talk so much sense. Every time I read your posts I am just blown away by your reasoning. How did you get to be in this position...mentally?

Yes, you've hit the nail on the head solidgold - two completely different things! Your post has cheered me up no end, have been feeling sorry for myself this afternoon...

I am Old, Fizzfiend (oh, and spent years working on the classier top-shelf magazines and therefore informally studying sexual behaviour...)

I would stay in a relationship for sex, yes, but not the one you describe

That's very interesting Ninah and I know exactly what you mean. And I bet you're not as old as me solidgold...