can you help me with a difficult friend?

[MitchyInge]

this is also in AIBU but maybe that was the wrong place?

Feel awful posting this but am in a bit of a bind. As usual, only have self to blame so am thickening my skin as I type but here is the situation:

Due to fly next Friday to stay with my friend, who is very caring and helpful but often in an unsolicited and overbearing sort of way. She likes to take charge, I'm very laid back and in short doses this works well. However, as we now live in different countries, physical time spent together tends to be a couple of days at least and in our homes where there is little or no chance of escape and the pressure quickly builds. Unfortunately I seem to be the only one of the pair of us to realise and remember this - she looks back with amusement at some of our worst fallings out where I border on post-traumatic stress just thinking about it.

Last time this friend stayed with me and I'd been reduced to private tears for about the 8th time that day I knew it was time to talk to her about her constant criticism and then she burst into tears and wailed 'how can you be so intolerant?' hmm

Last night, when I found myself idly wondering whether my mum could time another stroke to coincide with the planned visit, thereby giving me the perfect reason to not go, I realised I had a Serious Problem. (Don't shoot me, I don't mean it about my mum . . .) What can I do? We are so compatible over the phone or for an evening out or something like that but throw us together under the same roof for more than a day and it's just awful. The plan is to do a 3 day workshop together, she is running it, and I Can't Go.

Maybe the root of the problem is that you build this up in your mind so much before you go? So the tiniest thing will set you off as you think 'I knew it - there she goes again!' It's a recipe for disaster if you can't set out with a more open mind and not expect things to go wrong. And her 'criticism' is possibly just the honest sort of stuff that friends say to each other. I would be much more open and honest in disagreeing with a very close friend than I would be with someone I didn't trust and know well.

Don't go. Really. Throw a sickie, say your childcare has fallen through, whatever, but don't go if it is causing you this much stress and upset. If she can reduce you to tears like that in your own home then it is likely to be ten times worse when you are away from your familiar environment. I think if you do go then it could be the end of your relationship for good; if you stay away then at least you have the chance of retaining it, albeit at a distance.

As a side issue, Is she relying on you to attend this course? Or can you get out of it without causing her problems?

my place on the course won't cause problems, if anything it could go to someone paying full-rate (she tagged me on for free )

I think you're right Miaou, I just need the Killer Reason to not go

when I say 'criticisms' I don't mean the normal sort of thing, I mean constant drip drip drip whatever I am doing - 'why don't you buy unwaxed lemons? they are much better for you? why do you keep this in that drawer, I'll move it over here for you, I can't believe you don't use recycled loo paper, how can you bear to put caffeine into your body? don't take that to the charity shop without washing it again, don't put that in the recycling bin they can't do anything with it, don't use fabric conditioner it's bad for the environment, do you really think you should be using your mobile telephone so much? don't eat marmite it can lead to candida overgrowth, why don't you just throw all this stuff away? don't you feel bad about wearing leather/eating meat/not going on ego-tourism holidays to Cuba?' she just doesn't stop

she's very very head girl, in fact she was head girl

I love her but I can't be with her for long because it wears away at me

Could you give her one more chance, say at the begining what the problem is, and then call her on it every single time. Wrong lemons = but that is my decision isnt it dear friend. Wrong draw = putting it back + but that is my decision isnt it dear friend. I would assume she would get the message. If she doesnt then you know you tried very hard to sort out the problem. It sounds as if you and she have fallen into a pattern, and that maybe it could be sorted out.

Also, is that true about Marmite?

I think I could do that, I probably need to go on an intensive assertiveness course first though - although having said that I don't have this problem with anyone else, not ever, so it's either the combination of our personalities or just the way she is generally?

I think it is absolute nonsense personally, about Marmite - she will have to prise it from my cold dead hand!

Oh my! Can you imagine what sort of a mother in law she'd make?

Sorry, not very helpful.

how about - i've eaten so much marmite this week i have terrible thrush and can't even walk.....:0

Will it really be so awful? It sounds as though you need to learn to say no when she suggests things rather than trying to back out at the last minute. It sounds a strange friendship as you don't sound as though you like her at all. If you don't want to go just tell her you've changed your mind and don't fancy it and want to do something else/ need time alone to recharge your batteries etc. Please don't agree to go on any more trips with her though or invite her to stay with you. It sounds as though she'd be better as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

it is true about the marmite btw if you suffer from candida problems, marmite is well yeast so it makes it worse.

I feel your pain. I have got a friend exactly like this, who also lives abroad (she is German). The last time she came to stay I almost had a nervous breakdown! I am seriously considering severing the ties, but I know she loves me and considers me a really important part of her life. It is not malice on her part, just the way she is.

Don't go if it is going to stress you out - free time is too precious to waste on being in secret tears 10 times a day!

Couldn?t you develop a really bad tummy bug or something a few days before you are expected...?

I know it?s awful when someone is so draining - I felt like my brain was being sucked by a "friend" and it got to the point where I couldn?t take it anymore.

Decided that I didn?t have to be friends with someone who had such a negative impact on me and made me feel so bad.

Still have the guilt?s that I cooled our friendship though. But now I don?t have to dread seeing her or the have the upset afterwards.

thanks everyone, I appreciate your thoughts - it is difficult because beneath all that lies a seething mass of vulnerability

however am 100% decided to Not Go, just working on how and when to say so