I am planning to leave my controlling and manipulative H. It has taken me a long time to realise that this is what is happening in our relationship and that it is not my fault and I am not mentally ill as my DH had tried to convince me (and medical professionals)
I have tried to leave him twice last year by doing the decent thing and talking things over with him and his tactics are to threaten suicide, to drag the children into discussion i.e "we don't want mummy to leave do we" and talk and argue until I am ground into the floor.
He is so clever with words I do not stand a chance.
Yesterday I secretly went to view a property to rent as my only chance to get away is to get a place and do a runner with the children. When I got home H looked at me and said "kiss" pointing at his mouth, I then have to kiss him and be smiley, that's normal.
He then called me into a room away from DD and said I need to know that you love me, there's nothing wrong with our relationship. With a normal person this wolud have been an opportunity to start the I want to leave discussion. But from the past I knew my only chance was to lie to him and say i loved him and that there were issues in the relationship which we had previously dicussed. He skirted over these and said are you planning to leave me because weird things are happening.
Again my blood ran cold and I lied and said no. I could not understand how he had guessed and he would not tell me what had made him ask. He also said have you got a romantic interest - which I haven't.
Having been feeling strong I am now in such a state. I hate the fact that I have lied to him, feel that if I was a stronger person and a better communicator I could handle him. Or done more of what he asked.
I'm about to sign a lease agreement and I'm terrified he will find out. In addition I feel full of disgust at myself for treating him this way and lying due to my own weaknesses.
Please send me some helpful comments if you can!