Could be a long post, but any helpful advice on my mashed up thoughts would be lovely
I posted a few weeks ago about my H (I cant even muster a DH). We have been having a difficult time for around 18 months to 2 years by my thinking, according to him things "havent been right between us" for about 4-5 years, ie since we got married. He says we have never been a "normal married couple". He didnt expand on this so I dont really know what he means, he always says something and walks off so it just gets left (after I have initiated the talk).
For around 18 months I knew about him stealing after I kept finding things stashed around the house (which I posted about initially). Each time I would find something, I would question him about it, he would either not give me an answer, with a "so what" kind of shrug and it would get left or he would lie. Now most of these times I caught him out and KNEW he was lying, I would tell him how disgusted I was, how I didnt want him doing it, let alone involving our home and us (me & the 2 DC). The last time I found something I erupted and said it made me think less of him and if I found ONE more thing he would have to leave cos I wasnt putting up with it anymore. That was about Sept/Oct time. Over Christmas time I found more things and my heart just left, I felt sad and sick because to me it was like him sayig "they you go, more things, what you gonna do now" as if he was goading me - although he didnt know that I had found the things.
On top of this during the past 18 months, I discovered he had lied about financial things, bills he said he had paid but he hadnt, credit cards he said he didnt have but I found statements for TWO different cards, bonus wages he received but he didnt tell me about, I dont know what was worse, what he has done or the fact he has lied about things. Some of the lies are really elaborate but bad, I can tell he's lying!
When I brought this up recently (Christmas was a nightmare to get through cos I waited until after it!) he said I was using the lies and stealing as an excuse, that I just wasnt happy with him and didnt want to be with him. He said we live together but thats all, he said he feels like he just lives here to be a dad to our DC (which in my head I agreed with).
He said he was willing to make things better and work at trying to sort "us" out. I said I didnt feel we could do this living as we are, that I felt like I needed him to move out for bit, to give me space and time to be able to think clearly (I feel like I cant while we are living our normal daily lives). He wouldnt have any of it and just kept saying "if its over we will just call it a day and sell the house" - and walk off, conversation over but not resolved.
Nothing more has been said about all this so he thinks it has blown over and is all fine (as has been the case in the past when we've had "talks"). Except for the past 4-5 weeks since our talks I feel nothing towards him, I just want him out and away from me, I cant trust him, I dont believe him about anything. I have no motivation and I feel like him and his actions have dragged me down so much.
I keep wanting to have a talk with him again but am now waiting for valentines to be over. BUT it feels like he is being overly nice with me and making loads of effort to be nice, the worst part is keep wanting to go to bed at the same time as me (which NEVER happened usually). We get in bed and he wants to stroke my hair or my hand and I have to keep pushing him away - how can he behave like this knowing there is an atmosphere between us. BTW we havent had sex for about two years, maybe once in that time and we are in our mid-30's.
Maybe he is trying to make things better but to be honest, im all out of trying, im all out of even trying and wanting to explain how I feel to him. The only reason I havent acted on anything is because im worried about the fallout, how it will affect the DC mainly, I know it will all start getting shitty about the house and about finances - he already said in one of his comments "im not paying for you to keep the house" - fair enough but its not that simple, I owned my own house which I sold so we could buy this house together, he had nothing. I feel petty even mentioning that.
Im stuck in quandry wondering what the right thing to do is, one minute I want him out and I want to get on with life, I feel like I would be a different person, but on the other hand im scared to death about if id cope and then I think "well thats not a reason to stay living this way". He is a good daddy and I think he is worried about being parted from his kids, but we are both adults and I for one would do everything possible to ensure they were not too disrupted, to keep their little routines normal, the only difference would be daddy didnt sleep here, he's left for work when they get up so its just us in the mornings, he could still collect them from school and we'd have to be civil for the kids sakes.
Sorry its so long, but just so much to think about or am I OVER thinking it?? what is the alternative, live like this, a lie, being unhappy (both of us, I know he's miserable too). Then I think "where will he go"?? I have spoken to friends in RL (I didnt mention the stealing, im too embarrased/ashamed) and they said the lying and money stuff would be bad enough, so maybe I an not making a mountain out of a molehill?? So confused
I know one thing, im constantly tired and worn out with thinking, I cant sleep properly and my head hurts, I cant keep this up much longer. I just feel sad all the time Thanks for reading!!