Dad won't come to wedding if my mother comes, won't take responsibility for anything...

[bohemianbint]

I think we may have hit a point where we can't go any further.Have tried talking, have tried writing a letter; I put a lot of time and thought into the letter detailing why I feel they disrespect me and they don't care when I am upset by their actions and I stand by every word. . They finally acknowledged my letter after a week and a half and responded by sayign they are devastated to receive such a thing, they will take it to their graves, they've failed as parents, I've done irreparable damage...They are not upset that they have upset me, nor have they acknowledged anything in it that I have raised
, they are trying to make me feel guilty for having the audacity to write it. I get nothing from my dad, he seems to hate me and just sits there beign really cold and angry. He ignores my DS2 completely.

As regards the wedding they say they don't want to be in a room with my mother who they claim "abandoned and abused" me. Like it's ok that he beat shit out of me when I was 16, because he "made sacrifices and brought me up" and she didn't. They don't seem to have any idea that so much of what they did to me constitutes abuse and neglect, and I haven't even started raising that with them. THey seem to want to re-write history, and for me not to mention to people (when they query why my stepmother and sister are short and I'm not) that I have s different mother. They want to pretend that because they brought us up and "made sacrifices" that means that they are perfect and beyond rebuke.

I'm thinking a session for all of us with a counsellor would be a good idea, but i'm also started to realise that my dad will not accept responsibilty for anything and maybe I have to accept that he doesn't like me and that might be as good as it gets.

This wouldnt be such an issue if the wedding wasn't forcing things to a head.

Oh, and do you know whether your mother actually did bad things? Or what role your father may have had in her leaving?

We should be allowed to shoot parents once we leave home.... I think having a parent free wedding could be a happier wedding.

There may also be the possibility that your father doesn't want your mum to tell her "side" of the story (about their relationshiup etc).

Obv I don't know your family history but they may help you in reaching a decision? Or not..it's just an idea/suggestion.

I've had similar problems with my family - brought up by my father (who, incidentally, used just these tactics to make sure my mother never came to my graduation day - I was 21 and couldn't stand up to him, regret it to this moment).

But I just want to add to what Atilla in particular has said. Do, please go to counselling, but go on your own, don't make it dependent on them.

The sad truth is that - however much work you do - you are probably never going to make it all alright with them. But if you go to counselling (amongst many benefits) you can see what has happened to you through someone else's clear sight. It was my counsellor's shock and outrage at some bits of my family situation (not big things, but still) which made me really realise that the way they had gone about things was not normal, that I had a right to be angry, and that the problem lay with them.

As an incidental benefit, my rel with them did get better as a result of the counselling - but only because I changed, not because they did.

But it's a hard thing to do, because the natural and human urge is to keep going back, keep hoping that it's going to be alright. But I think, and you probably know this, that the reaction to your letter is as much of a sign as you're ever going to get that this isn't going to happen.

And - fwiw - have a lovely party and sod 'em. They've decided not to go, their choice, give your mother something. (I also echo PerArdua's q - my mother abandoned us, or that's the story. But my father broke her first).

You have the right to invite who you want. They have the right to refuse. I think refusing to invite your mum would be more hurtful than inviting her and your dad in the knowledge your dad will then not come. If you choose not to invite your mum then you are the one being petty, not your dad and your poor mum doesn't get any choice. Yes she may have been a bad mum early on, although it sounds as though her negotiating access etc with your dad wouldn't have been easy so she maybe wrongly went for an easy life. She sounds as though she's trying to make amends now where as your dad is being a manipulative pain. How people act now is just as important as how they behaved x years ago. Just because you did something wrong in the past it doesn't mean you should be made to atone for it forever. Time to forgive your mum, reinclude her in your family and move on.
I'm not surprised your mum had so little contact with your dad and stepmum, they sound awful.

She certainly did some shifty stuff, am under no illusion, I remember certain things and she was out of order 9 years ago which is when we had a falling out. And she did abandon us, but to be honest, if I was left alone with two very young children because my husband was shagging someone else, no support, no family, no money, I know I wouldn't cope too well. Assuming that is what happened. That's her side. She thought she was doing the best thing.

My dad, however, reckons he's never told us what happened, so I only have one side of the story. However, this is crap - I know what their side is. They think they have "protected" me, but actually they slagged my mother off non stop when I was a kid and then occasionally told me that I was "just like her". They say they have all the documents if I want to see them. And I think I do, actually, because I've seen how they've treated me, and I'm their daughter and supposed to be someone they care about.I can only imagine how they would treat someone they wanted out of the way. I know for a fact it was my mother who filed for divorce, siting my SM as co-respondent, and she couldn't have been that far off the mark as they were married by the time my brother was 3.

I could have this all wrong, and maybe am doing a massive disservice to one or another of them, but actually, they've all done me a massive disservice all my life. When I tried to explain that I have been made to suffer over the divorce, my dad got all arsey and said "it wasn't just you, it was all of us as a family, even your sister" who, I'm sorry, is a lot younger and hasn't had anything of the sort to deal with. And they were grown adults with choices ffs. When I was 5 and I got home from staying with my mother once, I'd been bought a ring and my first watch. They went ape shit, confiscated the lot adn I never saw them again. They gave me so much shit about what had happened while I was there, I was 5 ffs and to compare that experience with anyone elses (apart from my brother's) is just disrespectful and bullshit.

Sorry, have gone off on one, but it's really making me think. And interesting, vonsudenfed, that you were in the same boat, and what you say about regretting it...I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing I'd made a different decision.

So I think I'll just invite everyone, as suggested, and who comes comes, who doesn't doesn't, and if anyone kicks off and ruins it they can fuck off for having so little regard for us and our children and our feelings. It'll certainly show up who really cares and is worth knowing, I think.

Thanks again, this is all so helpful.

nowhere near as awful a situation as yours but I also have tension between my mum, dad and stepmum. I invited all of them to my wedding, made it clear I wanted all of them to attend. However, I said if they chose not to attend I would not be having any attack of guilts over offending any of them. Amd I also made it clear that if they came they had to behave themselves and if they still had any unfinished issues / shouting they wanted to do, they could kindly do it beforehand and preferably without my knowledge. In the event, they all attended and behaved impeccably. After all, it's only one day of being civilised, after which they can go on badmouthing each other to their hearts content.

Poor you though, I do feel your anxiety and it's terrible that it is causing you such stress at what should be the happiest time for you and your soon to be DH. Good luck with them - they do sound incredibly toxic xx

You're completely right bohemianbint they are being disrespectful and manipulative etc.

That story about the ring and the watch..that really struck home with me. It sounds like jealousy of your mum perhaps? It's also very cruel.

I;m so sorry you had to put up with all of that as a child but one of the good things about being an adult is we don't have to.

It strikes me that people like your step mum and father will end up lonely and miserable, with nobody but themselves to blame

Meanwhile, you will continue to build a happy life for yourself and your famil

Sorry about bad typing..but hopefully the message is getting across!

BB it seems to me that your DD & SM desperately need to rewrite history to avoid responsibility. They are scared to go be involved in anything that could contradict their version of events. However, that's no longer your problem.
They need a lesson in the meaning of RESPECT. Tell them you are not going to live your life based on events long past so they are all invited. Sadly, if that means they cannot find it in themselves to join you in this happy event, then you will have to RESPECT their decicion!

Absolutely!

It really is like George Orwell's 1984. I've just booked a counselling session for next Tuesday to help me sort it out, but there will be no further dialogue about it, I've made myself clear as far as I'm concerned.