Sex - feel really let down by DH - need some perspective please

[oknow]

I'm not sure if my feelings on this are reasonable or not, but I feel so p*ssed off with DH that I need some general opinion.

As some background, last year I admitted after 20+ years that I had been sexually abused as a child. Our relationship had been suffering and things came to a head. I spent sometime in counselling and have had a real breakthrough in all sorts of ways. I have been starting to learn to feel less self conscious and more relaxed about sex. I thought that DH and I were closer than ever.

Last night DH told me that he was upset that I didn't enjoy oral sex (giving or recieving) and it's starting to bother him. He told me that sex has become 'samey' (i.e predictable) and that it's not turning him on enough.

His concern is that oral sex is one of my 'issues' and I need to learn to get over it. In fact it isn't something I have a real hang up about - I just don't like it that much. The problem is that DH feels that there is something abnormal about the fact that I don't like it, and I need to deal with it.

I'm angry because:

1)He won't accept that my dislike/lack of interest in oral sex is not something I need to 'get over'. It's my body - I am allowed not to like certain things.

2)Having spent the last 4 months trying to feel relaxed and happy about sex, he has suddenly piled a whole heap of pressure on me again.

3)Having learnt to enjoy sex again and start to feel a real connection with him, he delivered a huge slap to the face by telling me it's not enough to keep him interested.

I don't know what to say to him. More than feeling angry, I actually feel depressed that after all we've been through he can't just let this go. Surely we can't be the only people in the world who don't have oral sex?

I don't like oral. DH doesn't want me to do anything I don't like as he respects that I have a preference. There are tons of other things we do instead as we are imaginative.

You have a right to feel angry, why should you not express a preference and have it accepted?

No you aren't the only one and your dh really should ensure he never gets a job as a sex counsellor as he clearly has no idea what a devastating thing he has said to you. At least, I hope he does not realise how devastating it is.

That said, have you told him everything he should know about your childhood experiences? Was he involved at all in your counselling last year? Do you think you need to talk things through a little more now that you have made some progress on the physical front, or has everything already been said and he is simply unable to understand how you feel?

Thanks for the replies - I have no idea why but my thread has been posted 4 times. I'll carry one replying to this one though, sorry if anyone has posted on one of the others.

DG, no he didn't come to the counselling sessions with me. Maybe he should have.

i replied on the other.

what was his reaction to you not wanting oral sex b4 you told him abou the abuse?

PC - we weren't having much of any kind of sex back then, so it wasn't a specific issue - our relationship was at a real low point, which is why things got to breaking point last year.

I just wondered if maybe you need to tell him a bit more about your past? I don't want to pry and you may well have already told him everything, but if not, perhaps it will help him to uinderstand your feelings if you do tell him what was discussed in counselling.

An alternative plan: how about surprising him with something different in your lovemaking - something you do feel comfortable doing but don't routinely do? Maybe the thrill of something new will reignite his excitement? And also, in the interests of equality, ask him to surprise you (pleasantly) with a new technique!

Hi DG, I have told him the circumstances of the abuse - it didn't involve oral sex, which is why I don't feel it is something I need to work on to get over. I just don't like it!

When we have sex it is good. We work hard to please each other. But I think he has high expectations of sex. He told me last night that mostly it's good, but he wants it to be 'more than good' more frequently.

how long have you been with him?

We've been married for 8 years and together for 11.

SammyK and Songbird (who replied on the other rogue thread) thanks for letting me know i'm not alone in disliking oral sex.

How patronising it all sounds! It must be very difficult for him to know how to deal with your traumatic past, but he could be a bit more sensitive! I think it's him that needs to 'get over' the oral sex thing, blimey!

Oh, [waves enthusiastically] hiyaaaaaa DG, remember me? I used to be PhoenixSongbird - I do miss those HP threads. Hijack over

Regardless of the abuse you suffered, you are quite within your rights not to want oral sex. What a horrible thing to say

So much for sex being a manifestation of love and caring

Thanks, Orm

I felt like that last night, like the love and trust we had started to rebuild counted for nothing because it wasn't 'hot' enough for him.