Parents / therapy question

[Hesdoneitagain]

Hi - I posted this on the stately homes thread but am not sure it should go there so have copied and pasted here too...

I'm not sure whether I'm posting this in the right place so pls bear with me. My parents can be lovely, very helpful with money, practicalities etc but incredibly critical. I am currently seeing a therapist for things that happened in childhood and I'm starting to see them in a new light (we are usually very close) so much so that I don't really want to talk to them at the moment. Is this normal when you first start talking to a therapist?

Also my parents criticise me constantly, I honestly dont think they know they're doing it its so habitual. With my father he can walk in and say 'why havent you vacuumed, why hasn't DD got a vest on? why havent you fixed x, y, z?' all seriously within say 5 minutes of getting to my house. Is this normal?

Sorry if this thread is the wrong one to post on, I'd seen someone recommend it for parent probs before

Anyone?

I think therapy is incredibly powerful and you can't predict how it will make you feel in the early days.

It can be very empowering at first but beware you can have a bit of a "dip" a few weeks in.

Personally I can understand why you don't want to talk to them at the moment. Perhaps you feel more angry than usual because you've opened pandora's box - completely understandable.

Your challenge now is to maintain a distance while you work this out in your head - you may need to explain why you are distant and that's the hard bit.

agree with mogwai - IME there can definitely be a stage early in counselling / therapy when you are opening up all the old wounds and feeling very angry about the past. Not wanting to talk to them at the moment is totally understandable and you should just do what you feel.
Good luck btw!

Thank you Mogwai. I tried the distance thing but am trying it quite carefully as they're used to be being in touch all the time.

The two times I have contacted them I have received criticism as follows:

1st time me to dad 'DD was vile to me last night' him 'you shouldn't wind her up if you just left her alone she'd be fine' (she'd actually had a fit because she dropped her fairies on the floor on purpose and I wouldn't pick them up for her.

2nd time speaking to mum on phone, DD going mad in background because I'm the phone me to DD 'DD BE QUIET THATS THE 5TH TIME IVE TOLD YOU' Mom 'Don't talk to her like that.' Conversation moves on to someone saying what a good mom I am my mum tells me this in a totally surprised voice 'She thinks you're a really good mum!!' But in a totally incredulous voice as though because I'd just told DD to be quiet quite snappily how could anyone think I was a good mom

sorry to drone on. I've thought of keeping a log and then maybe I could just show it to them? Sorry typing in tears here as I think I'm just looking for their unconditional love and its just not going to come

Thank you Novicemama. Does anyone else's parents criticise them like this? Is it normal? My friends parents don't seem to. I'm 33 by the way!!!!

I can't advise on tne therapy question as the only therapy I've had was CBT - which deliberately does not go back over past events - but I don't think it's normal to come into someone's house and criticize.
Would your father do the same to a friend or colleague?
Maybe you could bring it up with your therapist .

Nontoxic - god no, he doesn't do it to my brother either. i think because my brother is very strong and would tell him to stick it.

i've tried asking them to stop in past but then they get really over the top and if i ask them anything get all 'oh we can't give advice, we'll get into trouble' or my mom starts saying, when my dd is there, 'is it ok if i take her to the toilet?' or 'is it ok if I read her this book, i dont want to interfere.' IE they go massively and sarcastically over the top.

My therapist will only say they seem highly judgemental people that I need to put up emotional boundaries around. Sorry I feel all American writing this, not had a therapist before!

Hasdone, I kinda know what you mean, my Mum can be critical of me, she has always been this way and I don't think she will change. Like you say she and my Dad are lovely people and would genuinely do anything to help me, DH and DS but my Mum just can't help but have a dig sometimes. She has never told me I am a good Mum she just constantly reminds me of "what a good baby I have" and how "he is a doddle, I don't know I have got him". When in reality he can be hard work and he screamed non stop for the first 3 months of his life, I love him to bits though.
What really pisses me off is when she feels the need to answer the obligatory "is he good for you?" question when we have bumped into folk she knows on the odd occasion we have been out. She always answers "yes he is, she doesn't know she's got him!". Ok first of all I can actually talk for myself and 2nd of all feck off how the buggery would you know you only spend a few hours a week with him .

Wigglesworth! That so rings bells! My mom's favourite is 'You don't know you're born with her (dd), she's so good. Not like you and your brother were for me!'.

And I'm thinking a. how would you know, they're always better for other people than their own parents and b. if i and my brother were bad then at least you had a mom 5 mins down the road and didn't have to juggle it with working to pay the morgage (apologies to SAHMs I know its not easy at all and I admire you, however I didn't have that choice as my ExH and I split so I need to work 30+ hours a week to pay the mortgage.

I've tried biting my lip (the comments above and in my earlier post are just a couple of literally 100s I get a month) and I do feel better if I rise above it but then they seem to say things even more, perhaps to get a reaction. Argh.

I think you'll probably get some good advice from the 'stately homes' thread, if you haven't already.
I'vestarted reading a book recommended there called 'Healing the Child Within' - might be relevant to your situation.