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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH doesn't want to try any more - am shellshocked

14 replies

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 13:53

I got up this morning and i thought I was reasonably happily married - as of 9.45 am dh doesn't want to try any more and we are going into separate rooms tonight. This feels so weird.

He's basically saying that I am unable to give enough emotionally or practically for him. He acknowledges that he's not easy to live with, but also feels uncared for when he has really needed it (he has a long-term mental health problem plus a major back problem - he's been stuck in the house a lot for the last 2 years, plus we've had building works which have been a horrible stress.

I'm doing a full-time course at the moment, which has certainly taken up a lot of my mental space and attention, probably more than I realise. Also because dh has always been ill a lot, I have had amazing support from local friends with ds, and have always wanted to try and return the favour - this can mean that I put 'us' pretty far down the list, I do see that.

I just didn't think it was unrecoverable. I guess it's when you don't see it coming that you're really in trouble.

I'm going to ring Relate. I just feel so distanced from it all. It's so strange.

OP posts:

Lilyloo · 10/02/2009 13:56

Sorry

Do you want to try ?

Is he prepared to put the effort in to turning things around if you are ?

I guess as he isn't leaving maybe he does want to work things out.

Owls · 10/02/2009 13:58

Sounds like he is crying out for attention. He's said he feels uncared for.

Think calling Relate is a good move.

What a shock for you though.

Dropdeadfred · 10/02/2009 14:02

Sorry that sounds very sad.

Why is he not leaving though if he ha already made this decision? seems like he is pushing you into taking note of his unhappiness.

Original poster

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 14:05

i'd agree owls, he obviously feels ignored and a low priority for me.

i guess it doesn't feel that way for me because his illness is in my mind a lot, but that doesn't necessarily mean i do anything relevant (to him) about it.

i suppose I want to try. definitely part of me would love to give up immediately - i've been wishing we would all go to sleep and not wake up. doesn't suggest that i'm a happy camper either.

but it's also unimaginable to me to be without him, and for ds to be without him. he's out at the moment with his dad - i'm not sure if he will confide in his father, i hope so.

message left with relate.

OP posts:

Original poster

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 14:06

as far as not leaving goes - he says he is only here because he has nowhere else to go

OP posts:

cheerfulvicky · 10/02/2009 14:07

Relate sounds like a good plan, well done for phoning. Massive hugs to you.
Would he go with you to Relate, do you think?
x

Dropdeadfred · 10/02/2009 14:08

he could find a bedsit or go and stay with his parents if he really wanted out as much as he says...

Original poster

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 14:09

yes that's true ddf - that must be hopeful

yes he says he will come to relate with me. being a long-term mental health user at least means that therapy is pretty normal to him.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 10/02/2009 14:11

he is crying out for you to notice him, he is saying these things for a reaction
I an glad you are looking at sorting things out if poss, good luck!

NAB09 · 10/02/2009 14:13

Is there anyone who could have the children for you so you can talk tonight?

Original poster

choosyfloosy · 10/02/2009 14:17

yes in theory nab

a very kind friend has already offered to have ds on sunday so that we can go out together - dh seemed positive about that

had already booked a random babysitter for sunday night as well

my mum's coming to see us tomorrow anyway

with any luck we will have time to talk

i suppose we have been chewing over our financial/work situation so often in the past month that i start to feel quite desperate every time it comes up - this is obv part of the problem

OP posts:

Lilyloo · 10/02/2009 14:19

I think he does sound as if he wants to try but just making you realise how serious things are for him.

Even though this is a shock you also need to use this time to think about what you want too. I can imagine it's been very hard for you too. As he has a long term illness i guess it's hard to constantly be seen as offering them support.

But i am guessing you still do lots of things to support him just maybe he needs to see it.

This can be seen as an opprtunity to refocus on you two again and maybe that's all he wants.

Hope relate can help.

Upwind · 10/02/2009 14:40

When I had an episode of clinical depression I wanted to end things with my DH. I couldn't be objective about anything at that time. I am so glad now that we are still together and feel horror at the thought of losing him. Mental health issues might be behind this.

Best of luck.

lessonlearned · 10/02/2009 20:14

If he has used this as 'a cry for help' how will you be sure he won't threaten this or worse next/every time he feels needy?
You have to make it very clear that you will accept his decision if he want's out and don't guilt trip him into staying if he feels the relationship is over!
Please don't patronise him because he has a 'mental problem'!! By all means ask to get another chance, if that's what you wan't, but let him know that you are listening to him and if he really wants to go you will respect him.

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