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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

new user and desperately need help!

17 replies

diddytina · 10/02/2009 12:34

hi, im new to this and am worried that i might waffle on a bit! i am a mum of three kids, and wife to dh, who's dad of youngest dd3. my dd1 is 13, ds is 11 and dd3 is 5. i know times are hard with teenagers, but my dh doesnt get on with dd1 and ds. my story goes way backk and is too complicated to go into it all now, but the most recent episode is now!

my dh and i went away for our 7th anniversary this weekend and it was the first break we have ever had! we had a wonderfull time and i felt we were close again. untill the dd1 and ds came home from thier dads, dd1 had shown her jealousy and dh took it to heart. that was sunday and ever since, they have been arguing. my dh says he doent want to be around her and dd1 says the same.... normal you say? when it goes on soo much and when dh sees everything dd1 and ds does is bad and wrong it gets too much.

my dh is very controlling most of the time, but i feel trapped!! please help!

OP posts:

Tommy · 10/02/2009 12:44

I would suggest that your DH needs to grow up to be honest.

Your daughter is 13 - he presumably is quite a bit older and he knew you had children when you got married.

Someone with experience and advice will come along soon no doubt but I just thought I'd chuck my four penn'orth in

fryalot · 10/02/2009 12:48

hi diddy.

I'm in a similar position, with one elder dd (she's 15 now) and two smaller children, whose dad is my dp.

Dd1 and dp rub each other up wrong. They don't get on. He has tried, she has tried, but they really don't like each other and tend to stay out of each other's way.

It's hell.

Have you tried talking to your dh and telling him that YOU feel upset and that it is affecting the way you all are as a family, especially dd2 (he may be more bothered about things affecting his child)

I have no other real advice, other than hang in there.

Original poster

diddytina · 10/02/2009 12:50

thankyou tommy, yes i can honestly say dh does need to grow up! the problem with dh is that he messes with my mind and makes everything my fault! not hard enough, lets dc get away with murder, but everytime i do try and discipline dc, he overtakes!

OP posts:

Original poster

diddytina · 10/02/2009 12:54

squonk, dh is very stubborn and doesnt listen to my feelings! he always twists it saying im selfish. as for dd2, yes he thinks the sun shines out of her ! but dh blames dd1 and ds for it all, saying its because they push dd2 away! infact dd2 can be so nasty and vindictive who can blame them!

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/02/2009 13:02

oh good lord what a nightmare. However i think you need to assess where your priorities are. With your kids or your man. If he is controlling etc why are you with him particularly if you know he is bullying your older children, which is inexcusable. your youngest is being nasty because she knows she can get away with it. Kids are likely. SHe isnt nasty but her behaviour is and you need to show the older two that you recognise this. Also is your daughter aware that this man bullies you. Teens are the formative years for relationships and you are not sending a good message to her by taking it.

prettyfly1 · 10/02/2009 13:03

Oh and re: he doesnt want her around. Tell him to fxxxk off. She is your daughter. You come as a pair and he can leave. Kids come first.

Original poster

diddytina · 10/02/2009 13:09

thanks prettyfly, it is a nightmare and i try so hard to assess my priorities, but there is so much going on in my life its hard! i want to end it all, but he lays the guilt trip on me and i dont feel strong enough atm! which is why i thought id come on here and hopefully grow stronger!

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/02/2009 13:12

Oh we will give you strenght. What work do you do. Can you start to subtly take control yourself. For the sake of your kids you really need to because this cannot carry on. I get the feeling that you do not want to be there anymore so make plans and leave.

Original poster

diddytina · 10/02/2009 13:17

i dont work, i have chronic fatuge syndrome so i cant work. thats another reason its hard, cfs makes your head so foggy, you cant think straight. ds has adhd and odd too, so things are very tough! as for the strength, it already helping!

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 10/02/2009 13:23

I developed cfs after glandular fever and suffered with it for two years. I know how it can make you feel but I promise you the stress is not helping. Emotional situations make cfs far work. I suspect he is relying on it to make you feel worse. I bet he even plays to it at times because it is a great control tool. And at other times will make you feel guilty for not contributing etc??????????

Original poster

diddytina · 10/02/2009 13:34

guilty not the word, especially when it comes to bedroom activities! i got diagnosed about three years ago. dh was with me and i thought he understood, but he seems to have the view of most other out there, LAZYNESS! i was told after fifteen years of being diagnosed with depression! as for the emotional effect i totally agree! i just need to find the strength, which i have positive vibes from mumsnet!

OP posts:

stressesmumandwife · 10/02/2009 15:30

i have had to change my nickname, hope it doesnt confuse anyone!

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 10/02/2009 15:34

It's not just about the usual squabbles you get between teens and step-parents by the sound of it.
Have a look at this lot. Control, bullying, guilt-tripping you to the extent you think of suicide?
He needs to go, and there is lots of help both here and there to get you through it.

lessonlearned · 10/02/2009 16:03

Has he ever been the parent of a teenager before? Sometimes it is difficult even when they are DCs that you gave birth to!
He needs to be 'fast tracked' in managing teenage behaviour before resentment sets in all round.
Managing small children is a different ballgame and if he thinks the same skills will be efective with older ones then he's on a hiding to nothing!!!
First of all he need's to know that he is the adult and has the job of parenting - it's no good joining in the squabbling and sulking, they will win!!
I would recommend he reads "What Can the Parent of a Teenager Do?" by Michael and Terry Quinn (the Family Caring Trust) and also look on the parenting teenagers thread. The book shoud be available on Amazon.
This will only help if he is behaving this way because he is struggling to cope. If he's using the DCs to get at you then thats another story!

lessonlearned · 10/02/2009 19:34

diddytina,
bumping for ya.
There must be more advice around???

Bigpants1 · 10/02/2009 23:56

having cfs and a child with adhd does not stop you seeing the bigger picture-so SEE THE BIGGER PICTURE.he is not supportive of you and you say he is controlling. you know what is right for you and your children. in later years, they will not thank you for staying in this situation. your children MUST come first. get out, unless he agrees to at least go with you to counselling. then, at least you will be able to look at your children in the eye and know you did the right thing.

stressesmumandwife · 11/02/2009 08:58

thankyou everyone. i do know whats right thing to do, but he just plays with my mind and makes it so hard! like yesterday, i was on a quiet one and he kept on asking what was wrong....i kept saying i was fine but he wasnt happy with that. was it because he didnt want me to be ok? then had the cheek to moan about what i haddent done around the house, wtf?

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