Same man, new dilema

[scaredoflove]

In the summer I came here asking for advice

first episode

second episode

So, we have had a couple of msn conversations over the few months. Out of the blue I get an email.....would you be willing to try again!

Gobsmacked

He went on to say, too many things about me were what he was looking for and he doesnt want to look back thinking what if

I have to admit, I haven't stopped thinking about him, he pushed ALL my buttons but I don't want to get back into feeling so out of control

Have emailed him back and said I would meet for a chat and to see if it's possible to try again (and to say he has to be more communicative!)

Am I mad? Should I just say bog off? Am I about to be put in turmoil again or could he actually mean what he says?? I know this can't be answered but what would you kind ladies do?

Run away. He's either a wuss who has no idea what he wants, or one of those men who really enjoys keeping women dangling on a string.
The least unpleasant explanation for him contacting you now is him thinking, 'Hmm, just been dumped, fancy a shag that one should be nicely softened up by now.'

Don't have sex with him. If he is really interested, make him work for your affection.

An ex is an ex for a reason. The same problems should still be there, the same habits, the same irritations.

For someone to have changed, you need to be able to see the change - and if you can't, expect a round 3.

If the man wants to remain friends - I can see that working, but if he pushes all the right buttons, I think you have a recipe for problems starting.

BTW: did you ever get to visit his house or meet any of his friends? ANother explanation is that he is basically a fantasist who lives with his mum and has no money.

lol no didn't get any further than said last time (I do have his address though) I don't think he is a serial shagger, he didn't rush me in anyway before, could be living with his mum though

I won't be sleeping with him (could really do with it though)

I guess I will just see what happens if he does actually contact to meet and chat, I'm not holding my breath on past conduct but I'm thinking I should give him a chance (or am I totally deluded??)

He is not and never will be right for you.

Walk away.

My counsel from the first time regarding yourself:-

I think you've got yourself into a destructive pattern which started when you were 17; the pattern has continued since then.

You need to work out exactly WHY you are so terrified of getting hurt. This needs to be talked through with a counsellor.

You will continue to repeat this destructive bahaviour unless you seek help for your own self - you have to unlearn these patterns.
You will keep doing this if you do not work on your own self first.

Some ways forward for you would be to have relationship counselling on your own to establish exactly WHY you are so afraid of being hurt (perhaps you feel that you will ultimately be abandoned). You have yourself written that you don't want to be seen as vulnerable. Perhaps as well you've subconsciously picked a man this time who is "unavailable" in an emotional sense due to his work hours. This again follows the pattern that you've had to date.

I'd only meet him if you want to go through the pain you have already been through several times with him again tbh

seems his pattern is to be offish when you're available and interested when you're not.

if you want to make absolutely sure, go for it. see what happens. but if he does it again, i would advise you to block him, delete his number from your phone etc. don't even ask what's going on, because there will always be some story.

if you were in a relationship with someone and something bad happened like kids in trouble, going to hospital, you'd text as soon as you could to explain. not just from a keeping-up-to-date angle, but for support too.

so far he hasn't really been in a relationship with you, even though you have with him and that's what the issue is here.

maybe he can't ever be in a relationship.

i'd also think about going to counselling for your opening-up ishoos.

Yes I think there may be something in the fact that you have taken a fancy to a man who is basically Not That Into You - because you don't actually really want a relationship.
Thing is, there's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship. COuple-relationships are not compulsory, and don't suit everyone. (I am a long-term single, realised in my mid-20s that I don't like being in a couple and therefore see no reason to do it).
But what you seem to be doing at the moment: falling for twonks who are not interested or not very nice people - is making you unhappy for no good reason: you have all the downsides of romantic involvement and none of the alleged benefits.

So, I have been drawn into speaking to him regularly. He phones or texts most days to chat. He is having trouble with his children and work, phoned last night in tears as his kids refused to stay at mums when it was her weekend and was on the way to get them. It was his first weekend off for weeks and he was planning on going out for a drink with his friends.

I have so far refused to meet him but I am hanging on by a thread to say yes. In the last month, I have had 2 huge bouquets arrive, one for no reason this weekend and one for valentines

I'm so scared that I will say yes and he will bugger off again and be like he was at the beginning. He tells me he wants a relationship but I know through our chats he still is mega busy so not sure how he would fit me in anyway

I just don't know what to do, we seem to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with out actually meeting and being intimate. What should I do now???