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Original poster

Ok so my half brother who I've never met has contacted me via facebook with this message. Is my message appropriate in reply?

29 replies

Flossish · 09/02/2009 16:16

Ok so summary in brief. My father who left when I was a toddler had two sons from a previous marriage. I've often dallied around trying to make contact with him/them at various points since I lost all contact with my dad aged 18 - it was was very erratic contact and Tbh he wasn't all that nice. I've often felt very sad to have missed out on knowing my half brothers however. Vague attempts I'd made to track them down have never resulted in anything I was sure of. So last night I got an email asking if my mum's name was and my dad's was from a chap with the same name as my half brother.

After talking it through with a friend, DP and my mum I've decided while I may well regret replying (I don't feel I want any contact with my father still) I may well regret not replying as well. Kind of a don't want to regret what I've not done situation. So I'd really appreciate some feedback on how this sounds. TIA

Hi there,

Your long shot was a good shot! Yes they are my parents, I'm guessing from knowing I have two half brothers and you are my half brother *?

I've tried to track you both down at various points since getting broadband but obviously you are much cleverer at this than me as I've always failed! I have very often wondered about the two of you.

I see your network is Bristol, that is where I am based, are you local? I moved here to do my nurse training and met my partner , we moved to London briefly but have come back as we have a young family now, my little boy is 4 and * is 16 months old.

I'm afraid I know very little about you or your brother, I haven't seen our father for about a decade now. I know one (both?) of you had two little girls I think - I used to hear some information through Aunty Gwen before she passed away.

I'd love to hear all about you and your family - thank you for trying, and succeeding, to track me down!

* x

OP posts:
AccioPinotGrigio · 09/02/2009 16:20

Floss - That sounds good to me. Good luck with it.

PlumBumMum · 09/02/2009 16:20

I think thats good

good luck

boogeek · 09/02/2009 16:21

I think that sounds very good. Keep us posted [nosy]!

Twims · 09/02/2009 16:22

Sounds lovely - good luck with it all

plj · 09/02/2009 16:26

I agree.Sounds good. Best of luck.

wannaBe · 09/02/2009 16:26

tbh, while I don't think there's anything wrong with the reply per se, if all he's asked is the names of your parents, replying with all that detail and all you know about him might freak him out a bit.

I would be inclined to reply that yes these are your parents, and ask if he is your brother as you were aware of his name...

ContainsWildPerilousLuurve · 09/02/2009 16:30

All sounds good - except maybe leave out your DCs names and ages - just say two small children / sons maybe.

Good Luck - very exciting!

lessonlearned · 09/02/2009 16:46

It all sounds good to me.
It shows you are happy to tell them some of your situation and want to know theirs.
Since you are all in the same area you will be able to meet on neutral ground sometime?
I hope you have happy times ahead.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2009 16:56

I am delighted to read of your half brother and you finding each other.

The Salvation Army have a family tracing service. You may want to contact them first to talk this through with them as they have vast experience in this field.

kiltycoldbum · 09/02/2009 17:00

personally i wouldnt be telling him you live near each other just incase you find you want a bit of space and he starts turning up on your doorstep expecting a rather more full on family relationship then you do. i also wouldnt be sharing the names of my children. However the best of luck!

Original poster
Flossish · 09/02/2009 17:01

Thank you all very much. I have been wondering about going in to quite so much detail, Dp suggested that I just basically reply, yes they are my parents and leave it at that! But I do want to make it sound that I am interested, because I am. I think I will take out some of the info though, as I don't want to overload him. He is a man after all .

Thats interesting about the Salvation Army Attila, they do so much good work. Atm I feel quite comfortable I think, although I will bear it in mind for the future if I need to, thank you.I'll let you know what happens - for all my stressing I'll probably never hear any more from him!!

OP posts:
ThumbLoveWitch · 09/02/2009 17:05

I also think it would be better to send a shorter, less-detailed first reply and see what happens. Your reply is a leetle bit full-on and it might be a bit too much for him - otoh, he made first contact so he must be interested!

Perhaps reduce the details by about half - leaving out names of your DC for e.g. and instead of telling him what you know about his family, ASK him - then he has something to base a reply upon. That way you also sound interested in him.

Good luck!

Original poster
Flossish · 09/02/2009 17:09

Just found that on his list of friends is my other half brother! Can't believe that I've searched on there and not ever found them!

OP posts:
muffle · 09/02/2009 17:14

I wouldn't include the info about your DP and kids, tbh. In your position I wouldn't want that info passed on to anyone, possibly your dad, who might then demand to see his grandchildren. I'd test the water with them a bit first.

Doha · 09/02/2009 20:35

Had a similar experience a few years ago --only l did the contacting of a 1/2 brother. I was adopted at birth and traced him through friends re united.
i would suggest keep the reply short not giving too much information just to test the water.
There is always the possibility that you may find out something you wish you hadn't as happened to me.
The more information you give the harder it is the disengage.
Take it slow---good luck

Shhhh · 09/02/2009 20:39

Imo your reply is giving him tmi. It may be him..it may not...
I would reply with a yes and wait for a reply back. if he is genuine then he will be forthcming with the info iykwim...

He's the one who contacted you so I guess he is wanting to make contact..

NAB09 · 09/02/2009 20:49

I would just reply about your parents names too.

daffodill6 · 09/02/2009 21:09

Agree about not giving too much information about you and yours, send a short 'hi there answer' and see what happens next - but be optimistic and pleased he bothered !

Original poster
Flossish · 10/02/2009 08:51

Right well he did reply! I did send a shorter, less detailed reply but not quite a 'yes that is me' either.

He replied and managed to make it quite clear her isn't keen on dad either, sees him very rarely (2004 the last time at his brothers wedding). So I replied with more detail and then he messaged me on fb chat, and we spent over 3 hours chatting!

He is very keen to meet, and been very sweet in what he has said. I've said we could meet at the end of March, for two reasons, a) I work a lot of weekends and b) I think it wiser to take it slow.

Went to bed last night and found it hard to sleep and it felt a little like christmas! He had apparently been trying to track me down before and was never told by our father that I existed... he found out in an air force check!

Thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
kalo12 · 10/02/2009 08:54

good luck with this, its very brave, lots of peoples lives could be changed .

let us know how it goes and take care

warthog · 10/02/2009 09:09

fantastic!! how exciting!

Jackstini · 10/02/2009 09:13

Congratulations Floss - how lovely for you. hope everything goes well

Carmenere · 10/02/2009 09:35

That is really great floss, good luck and well done

ThumbLoveWitch · 10/02/2009 17:51

Floss, that's great - I hope your "new" family works out really well for you! Kind of exciting, hey, getting more rellys, especially when some of the ones you had (your dad) weren't the best.

DontSwimInTheLiffey · 10/02/2009 18:08

Good luck to you all. You're all adults now and hopefully the older generation who failed to introduce you to eachother won't object to you forming friendly relationships now.

My x fil had a child before he met my x's mother and it was weird the way he compartmentalised it. My x and his siblings had some curiosity about their half-sibling but it was made clear to them that they were forbidden from contact the half-sibling. Their Dad didn't want them contacting eachother 'behind his back' but yet, he never arranged anything either, AND it was a taboo subject so couldn't be resolved.

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