We've agreed it's over and now he wants us to renew our vows!

[lilac21]

My husband and I (sorry can't say DH, he isn't!) agreed three weeks ago that our marriage is over and that we will continue to live together for the children's sake. We know that won't be easy but we're trying hard. I want to sleep in separate rooms but he won't agree, saying that then the girls will know something's up. They are 11 and 9. This morning he asked me to renew our marriage vows, then he will accept us sleeping separately. Apparently this will give the children the 'right' message about us staying together.

I can't agree - I refused to stand in church and tell lies about my feelings for and commitment to him when our relationship as a couple is effectively over and I don't love him, or even care much for him. Also I think it will be far more confusing for the girls than simply sleeping separately and explaining what is happening.

Anyone any idea what's going on in his mind?

Most marriages end unilaterally, it's rare for both partners to want to end it. Most marriages end with the couple arguing over money, possessions and access to the kids. You can mimimise how much you argue, and should not argue in front of the kids and drag them into it but it will ahppen and you just have to accept that as the down side of getting your freedom.
I unilaterally decided to end my marriage. My ex was determined the kids should know it was my decision to split so that is what we told them. He kept asking me to stay and the kids knew he wanted us to stay together. If you want to leave you have to accept that the kids will be told that the divorce is down to you. That's the truth of the matter. When they are older if they ask you can tell them why you wanted a divorce but up until now I've stuck with a vague "mum wasn't happy" line.
We've now moved on and are in new relationships and have a good arrangement re the kids.
I'd see a family law solicitor.

I honestly cannot see any reason why you would think that continuing to live together would work or be good for your dcs.

And what about when you want to see someone else?

I think by staying in the same house (especially in the same bed) you are giving him false hope that you will change your mind or he will change it for you. Honestly a clean break will clear the air for all concerned. Separate with clear lines and it will a shock but much better than a long drawn out why can't you look at me I want you why don't you want me ,Get him out you will all benefit

This arrangement wont work, it will become more and more suffocating for you

I agree that marriages usually end unilaterally, one being more unhappy than the other

I ended mine and exh made it very difficult (still does).

I worry that sharing the same bed will go horribly wrong too, one one occasion before relations were too strained between exh and myself, he was staying to see the kids and i woke up to find him in my bed with his hands between my legs and him naked behind me

His justification was that we were still married and he thought i wanted it

You have to make a decision that is based on what is best for you and the kids, if he doesnt want the marriage to end then he is not going to agree to things such as separate rooms, but you dont need his permission

And the longer it goes on the messier it will get

YEs, tbh: staying in the same room as an XH can (and often does) lead to minor sexual assault if not worse. Please note this is not to say that all men are opportunistic rapists, but a man who is refusing to accept that his relationship is over and doing everything he can to force his wife not to leave, doesn't really think she's a person. He thinks he owns her and therefore sooner or later he will decide that as they are 'still married' he can have sex with her whether she wants it or not.

totally agree with sgb

I have no personal experience of this, other than my own parents divorce (I was only 2, so didn't really know anything else). But everything I've read subsequently says that "staying together for the children" is a huge mistake. Even if there are no rows, kids know when things aren't right. They find that confusing, and find the inherent "lies" in the apparently happy relationship more upsetting than an honest separation. Splits cause a temporary upset of course, but once the dust settles the kids can see that both parents are better off, as the stress of the facade has gone.

You can't stay in this situation for ever, it's your life too. And your children will be getting a strange view of how relationships should be, because unless you're both Oscar-winning actors, you can't conceal your difficulties from them.

A breakthrough, not sure why and where - think your supportive messages must be penetrating his subconscious! This evening he has told me that he will move in to our spare room after all and we need to talk about sorting this out. Hooray! I'll still leave him eventually, think he knows that deep down, but at least in the meantime I can sleep better and get dressed without an ear open for his footsteps in the hallway.

How are things Lilac21? Hope you are ok

Thanks for asking, pinkfox, haven't had that talk yet and he's out tonight, but we'll do it soon. Have managed to be perfectly civil and reasonable for last two days, so I'm pleased with myself! Just read your thread but in from work and going straight out to gymnastics, will reply later. (((pinkfox)))