Urgent advise needed, have a contact order but DD says she doesn't want to see her father.

[jessiesmummy]

I have had a contact order for a few months and my daughter has been seeing my XP. She has just turned 3 and has been seeing him once a week since around October. She often comes home quite upset but always leaves to see him without that much fuss. Recently I asked him to start paying child support and after much messing about he agreed. Ever since he has been very argumentative and aggressive to both me and my DH. Yesterday when she returned from contact she was inconsolable and stayed very upset for the rest of the day. She says that he had told her that my DH who has raised her since she was a baby is not her daddy and that he was not there when she was born and a lot of other stuff that she is not old enough to understand and is not appropriate to talk about to a child her age. I have explained the situation to her and have never misled her or refused to answer her questions on the matter. He was clearly very aggressive and scared her a lot. She is now saying that she does not want to see him again as he scared her yesterday. The problem is I have a court order saying that he must see her. But I done want my usually very happy DD seeing someone she is scared of. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do next? Thanks

If he is shouting and scaring her that's not on. But I really can't blame him for not wanting to be called by his first name. I wouldn't want my dd to do that.

I think it's sweet that he wanted to see her in the only thing he's bought her. It's a shame it didn't fit. Did he know that? Did you text back to say that? Or did he just turn up and she wasn't in it and he maybe thought you were trying to make a point. You clearly weren't but he is already guarded because of the second daddy thing, so might be jumping to conclusions.

Have you talked to him about it at all?

And what do you mean about he has to accept it as a consequence of his former actions?

I'm not trying to be argumentative here, I'm hoping that if I can get you to see things from his perspective it might help.

He was never involved in her life before because he chose not to be. So someone else took the role of daddy on. He has now decided to be involved and expects it to be as if he was always there. And he has to understand that it cant work that way.
I only communicate with him in writing because he has been violent in the past. When he collects her my husband answers the door.

No, of course he can't expect it to be like he was always there. But he is still her Daddy and maybe he's trying to do the right thing now?

Did you go to mediation as part of your court process? Would that be worth a go again if you don't feel you can talk to him?

Yeah definately. I think he has got frustrated that the bonding process has been slow between them. I think he expected her to see him as a daddy overnight. I think it will take time for them to form a bond and he is trying to rush her. I think going to a contact centre might be a good idea because it is an appropriate atmosphere and there are trained staff to offer support and advice. Also if she gets scared or intimidated the contact can end at any time.

I think a 3 year old is too young to decide on whether or not to have contact with a parent as they are so easily swayed by the resident parent. Different if he is abusing her.
Put yourself in his place. How would you feel if your daughter was encouraged to call another woman mum and if your ex said "you can't see her this weekend because she doesn't want to go".
Your daughter needs to know who her dad is and the relationships between all the adults in her life. If her dad wants to see her then I'd encourage it and be positive about it. The more loving adults in a childs life the better.

the very fact that a three year old comes back from every visit scared and upset is the biggest point here.

2rebecca you are so right, the more loving adults in a childs life the better. But a loving adult wouldn't make his daughter scared and upset during her visit. She is THREE years old - and he is a virtual stranger. So sad.

jessiesmummy be strong, keep pushing for all the support you can get to resolve this.

Your X has the right to be her daddy but not to scare and upset her.

Mrsjammi, the contact centres in our town are both lovely, the staff are fabulous and do not get anywhere near enough credit for what they do. IME the staff work very hard to make sure that parents coming and going do not even cross in the hallways. If a particularly contentious client was in then they would even go so far as to ensure parents didn't meet going into the loo (they always made sure children didn't).

I agree, go, visit and make sure you are fully informed before making a decision.

Surestart childrens centres act as contact centres and many visits take place inthem with a contact assistant who tajes them to the centre and then returns them - best speak to soc services to enquire and discuss your concerns then at least its all documented.

I think not letting her see her father again unless in a contact centre is an overreaction to 1 incident though. Imagine a mother had to explain to a 3 year old that the person she had been calling mum wasn't her mother because the 3 year old had never been told the truth before. Would that seem reason enough to insist the real mum only sees her child at a contact centre. At 3 this girl is old enough to have been told the truth about who the man she sees weekly is and who the man her mum lives with is. She was only upset because it was the first time this had been explained to her by the sound of it.
I would be positive about her dad and encourage your daughter to go next week, maybe sitting down with her and explaining about biological fathers and stepfathers and that she has one of each and both love her. I'd phone her dad and tell him she was upset and reluctant to see him, but would persuade her to go next week.
If it has come to a court order I suspect your reluctance for her to go and the animosity between you and her dad is affecting her behaviour.

What are handovers like? Are there ever arguments or words said? Is she maybe picking up on the tension there and that's why she appears upset after contacts. I know it's something that dsd's mum used to complain of and poor old dh got the blame - but dsd was like it when she came to us too and would settle down. Looking back I think it was a combination of being excited about seeing here daddy/mummy again and picking up on the animosity from her mum/her partner towards dh.

I can understand how worrying it is for you, but wonder too whether asking for contact in a contact centre would be a backwards step (and dh's experience too was that they are dreadful places - obviously depends where you are).

I do wonder if you shouldn't just speak to him on the phone and try to get over to him how you'd like to work with him to sort this out. Have you had his version of events or are you just going by what your dd has told you? I know my own dd can think that someone has told her off or has been cross with her and gets really upset, but when you speak to them they didn't realise how sensitive she was about it.

Or is she feeling upset about it because he is contradicting things that you or your dp have told her and she just doesn't know what to think/feel.