Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I think i may of lost him for good! (Its a long one)

21 replies

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 11:57

I just got back with my DP after 6 months of being apart, basically what happened was we were suppose to be getting married last year and he decided to cancel it with no reason as to why, he just cancelled it all and thought that was fine and also turned round and said he didnt want more kids, we have one DD and he has another DD from previous marriage. I then mad an awful mistake and kissed another guy, which he found out about and i confessed what had happened and because of the arguing and heart break i leff.
6 months after leaving i was going to move back in for fiancial reasons as we were getting on he said he would help me out and we had even talked about getting back to gether, 3 days before i was due to move back in he rang me and told me he was seeing someone else, i was heartbroken. I did everything in my power to make him see i wanted him and wanted us to work it out, but he said he didnt love me anymore. Then one Friday night i was out and he started texing me and asked if i was gonna come see him working, so i did and one thing led to another and he ended p staying at mine, he was then all confused about us again. So over xmas we were apart and texing consently and he asked to meet me the sat afternoon and told me that he wanted to sort everything out and give us another go i was over the moon. I had arranged to stay at my mums after everything what had happened but he said i should come home, i want to sure but he said he want me and DD their so i moved back home. Ive been here 5 weeks we have talked bout getting married, he even put a deposit on a ring which i thought he was rushing into abit, and we started doing our house up again and decorating. Seems like alot to do in just 5weeks now ive wrote it down. I was blissfully happy and then hestarted acting distant and off with me i kept asking if any thing was wrong and he kept saying no but i knew there was, then last wed he came home from the gym and i had it out with him he said that he didnt want to be with me and didnt love me anymore and couldnt forgive or forget what i did. I dont know what to think and i know it was my fault i made a mistake and ive never done anything like that before. What do i do? Thanks for reading x

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 08/02/2009 12:19

you stop hanging everything on what he wants.

Don't sleep with him again. - you do realise that that friday night texting and "come see me" was a 'booty call' or whatever they call it . He used you for sex.

He is keeping you dangling. He may be confused or he may be getting off on playing with you like you're a yoyo - come close, go away, come close, go away. Whatever, he's got you on the end of a string!

I think you need to stop making it about him. Does he want me, does he not. Make the decision YOURSELF.

I suggest you make the decision to move on. Take the control away from him.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 12:26

I know thats what it was lol.

I know i need to let go and move on but it hard i love him so much and we been through so much together.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 08/02/2009 12:28

Is it enough to be with someone you love, if they don't love you back?

He couldn't be any clearer now, could he?

Do you want him at any price? Really?

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 12:33

I think he does love me still though and is just scared that ill leave him or cheat again which i can understand. But on the other hand i think maybe he just got back with me to make a fool out of me and hurt me cause of all the promises he made and now dont mean a thing.

Also he said it was only the first two weeks that any of it was real and he didnt know how to tell me, yet he still been sleeping with me!!

I just feel like i cant cope on my own with DD and havent been on my own since i was 17.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 08/02/2009 12:47

What makes you think he loves you? How does he demonstrate his love for you? How do you think someone who loves you, acts?

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 12:52

erm i dont know i guess it just a feeling i have and the way he looks at me. He was very affectionate and caring. I guess it was like old times so i guess i just assume that it was love.

OP posts:

TheThoughtPolice · 08/02/2009 12:55

Honestly ?

It sound slike he doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 12:59

Why would you say he doesnt want anybody else to have me? I havent been with anyone else when we were apart?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 08/02/2009 12:59

I can't possibly tell you whether he loves you or not, I'm not in his head or heart. I can tell you that nothing you have written made me go "ahhh, he really loves her" or think anything other than he was a game player, keeping you dangling.

When a man loves you, he doesn't keep you hanging on with "I love you, no I don't, I want to be with you, no I don't..."

He is there for you, with you. you get on with life. You have a laugh, you have a row, you get a cuppa put in front of you without asking, you snuggle on the sofa and watch a crappy film.

you have a life together.

(and going back to him for financial reasons doesn't sound very romantic either)

Do you love him, or do you love the idea of him - or a man in your life so you can be part of a couple, any man.

atm, you focus on him, and you look to him to make or break your life, iyswim. I think you would benefit from taking some time, or sitting down with someone (maybe Relate) to really LOOK at yourself and understand yourself and figure out what you really want and need.

It's not a good idea to hand someone your happiness in a box and say "here you go, your responsibility now"

rubyslippers · 08/02/2009 13:01

i am sorry to sound brutal but when someone says they don't love you, it is time to walk away - he has done that twice

it isn't your fault - it takes two to MAKE and BREAK a relationship

HeadFairy · 08/02/2009 13:04

God Hecate, you are wise. Listen to her tosad... sorry you're going through this.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 13:16

When we arranged for me to go back for fiancial reasons it was as friends, i got myself in to debt because i couldnt afford to live on my own and he said i could move back in till i got my self sorted. In this time we had been growing close agan and spending time as a family.

well we did all of that snuggling and stuff in the last 5 weeks, we hadnt really argued we were really loved up like we use to be.

I am getting sum life coaching as i am very down about things, he said i need to concentrate on myself first as i am in no state to decide if being with him is what i really want. So we will see, i do love him but sometimes i can never work out if it is just because i like the life style, thats why we were apart for so long because i couldnt work it out, but when he told me he was seeing someone else i wae heartbroken wouldnt that be because i love him?

I know i focus on him i find it hard not to when i been with him for 4 years. i tried last nite to talk to him last night about how i wouldnt be doing things to suit him anymore and he said he was going to get a solicitor involved about DD, which i never said he couldnt see her i was just saying that he couldnt have it all his own way if that makes sense i would never not let her see her dad.

OP posts:

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 13:19

So sorry that you have given this man your heart toosad, for I fear he will only break it.
My guess is that he has a problem with his attachment pattern which may have stemmed from some separation from his carers early in life. It may be that he's doomed to play out a love/hate game with anyone who gets close to him. His loss, I'm afraid but don't let it also become yours by trying to understand or 'fix' him. Only he can do that if/when he recognises that it works to his detriment.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 13:26

He was married before and he did tell me she cheated on him, and then i kissed someone. So it may have something to do with that i guess.
there was something else that he said happened when he was younger to and i told him he should talk to someone bout it but he wouldnt

OP posts:

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 13:35

Even now im making excuses, your all right seems like the only way to go is to move on and start putting me and DD first again.

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 08/02/2009 13:38

It's funny you should say that, I was coming back to post exactly that! That no matter what we say, you come back with "yes but..."

It's hard, but you have to take off the rose coloured glasses and see the situation for what it is.

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 13:43

tosad, you only kissed someone. It's not as if you plunged a dagger in his heart. You can't go blaming yourself for his 'pushmepullyou' pattern which I'm guessing existed long before the kiss.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 13:43

i know guess im use to make excuses for the way he treats me, our relationship was never easy but i alway had an excuse as to why. Guess its a vicious cycle, one which i plan to try and break asap.

OP posts:

lessonlearned · 08/02/2009 13:49

Good luck my friend. I hope life gets easier for you soon.

Original poster

ToSadToCry · 08/02/2009 13:50

thanks guys

OP posts:

mandy12345 · 11/02/2009 16:47

good for u u done it onces so u can again

Flip