Can't think of a heading! How about Weird School Mum?

[Rhiannon]

This is a bit strange. My son had a birthday party a year ago, a boy from school came along empty handed (no problem). His Mum phoned to say she'd left his gift on the side in the kitchen and would bring it to school. She never did.

My son again had his birthday again this week and exactly the same thing happened, she said she'd send the card to school with her son and again she hasn't.

She is not short of money, just about to open a shop. She also has been asking me to bring her children home from school for her once a week (about 3 miles out of my way).

This is really awkward, and I don't want to sound selfish and ungrateful as we shouldn't have parties just to receive gifts. But surely she could be bothered to give my son a card?

Her son came for a sleepover and a big party stayed from 5pm Fri-1pm Sat.

What do you think girls? And what when she asks for more lifts?

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Being generous - perhaps she is just very forgetful !!! But seriously she sounds a selfish moo - and unfortunately a liar too !

I would withdraw any offers of help/support etc until she starts showing some more thought to you and your son !

I know someone like this - I call her a "user" !!! and I give her a wide berth to be honest !

I wouldn't be worried about the lack of present or card - quite honestly I feel that children have far too many presents anyway - we've had a few threads on this subject. Perhaps her DS lost the card at school - you know what children can be like.

However, I agree that it seems totally one-sided to continually give her children a lift a home, I would either tell her bluntly - or, if easier, make up another comittment that's in the other direction to her house.

i'm with Lindy on this one - don't take it out on the kids, it isn't her sons fault.

But picking her kids up from school is not on unless she recpriocates. Ask her to do something and see what she says.

She's been banned for drink driving!

For me, this is the issue: Weird School Mum should not have said she had a present or card and then not produced one. And to do this two years in a row is frankly extraordinary, not just 'forgetful.' (No one is more forgetful than I am, so it's not that I'm unsympathetic.) I agree that gifts should be optional, but once you promise something, it's out there. . .

I don't know what to say about the lifts. I know if it were me I'd probably continue giving lifts (path of least resistance) while steadily swelling with resentment. So probably the right thing to do is to find a way to refuse (politely, if possible) and save your anger for something more worthwhile.

She is a fairly nice person and don't want to lose her aquaintance sp? (not really a friend). But I do think she must be a bit selfish to behave in this way. I might ask her in a jokey way, what do you think? Perhaps ask her if she's turned to Jehovah or something?

Re. the card, you could always mention it as you're dropping off her son - 'Oh, by the way, shall I pick up ds' card whilst I'm here?'. As for the lifts, it does seem rude that she hasn't offered petrol money, or babysitting, or anything in return. How long have you been giving her children lifts? Maybe the approaching end of term is an opportunity for her to give you a token of her appreciation... if nothing comes, not even a thank you, I'd be tempted to think of an excuse why you can't help next term.

Being blunt...I can't understand people like this - surely they are just selfish thinking of themselves only... if she continues like this either her son will be embarrassed forever at times like this or turn out to be just like her. Users are fine when kept in their place!

You say she is opening a shop. Do you think she is really working flat out and has just got behind with nicities like cards and presents? If you like her, it might be worth probing into this a bit deeper. Can you invite yourself in the next time you drop off her children, just to suss out her situation a little?

I think I'd also be tempted to ask her a favour soon - something that you know she could easily do for you. She owes you one in the favour bank. If she refuses without a good reason, then definitely put her in the 'user' category and stop collecting her children from school.

Yep - time to call in a favour, and see how readily she accepts. If she is evasive, then a "sorry, but no I can't drop off your child tonight" is boudn to get across your point. Berlimey - if she's been banned then you are on for what? A three month, or 6 month stint? A bit cheeky methinks. Time for her to get something properly sorted (Do people REALLY still drink and drive? Aren't we the generation that grew up knowing it was unacceptable?)

And careful on he comment about her not being short of money. I am always getting annoyed that people think we are loaded, cause we live in a nice house and DH runs own business (13 years hard slog and a huge mortgage) and we are brassica lint at the moment!

You are a good bunch of 'mates'. Thanks.

I have only just started giving lifts, only on Fridays as she has fallen out with one of the other Mums at school, who did the Friday lift!!!

I think I might try a phone call to her perhaps tomorrow or Friday, perhaps acting concerned that the card had gone astray at school or something and see what she says!

Anymore advice welcome.

This happened on my sons birthday, a women from playschool arrived and said she didn't have time to buy one and would bring it in the following week. She never did and has spent since then avoiding me. I agree that you do not have parties to receive pressies, but a card and a small token gift doesn't cost much.

She does sound as though she is taking advantage.

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I'm guessing that despite this woman's haziness about existence of presents and lift-giving etiquette, she's good company Rhiannon, which is why you still feel the friendship is worth keeping...but like the others here I'd definitely test the water by asking a simple favour in return. Also agree that it's not so much the presents themselves, it's the insistence they got left at home. I'd certainly call her up and ask innocently if they got "lost in transit". Let us know what she says. If she claims they were eaten by the dog, well...
I wonder why she fell out with the Friday lift-giver, though?

It was something to do with her daughter and the Friday lift givers daughter being separated at school for mis-behaving. The lift givers daughter then blaming the other daughter for the mis-behaviour and things escalating from there.

I'll ring her on Sunday I think, because if she wants a lift tomorrow, she's going to have to contact me and I'll ask her then.

I am happy to stay 'friends' with her I suppose because like I said before parties shouldn't be about receiving presents. I won't be putting myself out in future though.

The difficulty with this situation is that it could go on for a long time and once you commit, what happens if you can't do it every week? Regarding the party gifts/cards I think it's incredibly bad manners not to give them to a child. Obviously the size or value of the gift is irrelevant.

Can you speak to the ex-lift giver? Having been in a similar position, IME most people get fed up of the 'users' after about 2.3 - 3 years and stop putting themselves out (I know - I do it for far too long), but this happened to me with someone, and a number of tales were passed around as to why I wouldn't help out any more. The people who 'stepped in' are now going through a similar thing and I expect user to pick up with someone else soon (poor mug)