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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i paranoid?

23 replies

yayornay · 06/02/2009 20:22

dh works away from home for part of the week.

i reckon about 60% of the time, he goes out after work for a drink/meal. he hardly ever offers up this information and he's very unforthcoming about telling me anything to do with meeting up with one particular person, who happens to be a single woman.

if directly asked, he will say that he's going out, and if directly asked whether he's going out with xx (the woman), he will say yes. this single woman has had a boyfriend once in the ten years or so that he has known her (to my knowledge, anyway).

i found out, after the fact, that in december, he went out for dinner with her and another couple. the other couple were made up of a single woman and a married man, also away from home, with difficult home circumstances. that single woman wants to be with that married man according to dh.

yesterday, he was due to go to london but we live in an area that was snow bound. i know (but he didn't tell me this) that he was due to go round to this single woman's house for a meal, with other friends. when i asked whether he was due to go out, he just said yes - no further info.

i'm feeling paranoid. i am checking up on him a lot (mobile messages in and out, personal email, work email) and it's exhausting. i have a difficult family history which involves my parents both being unfaithful whilst married to one another and i know i'm hyper sensitive about it.

I need a sense check please - am I being paranoid and hypersensitive or am I right to feel a bit anxious about this?

OP posts:

Lulumama · 06/02/2009 20:23

why are you not invited to have meals out with him and his friends?

Original poster

yayornay · 06/02/2009 20:24

because he's in london and i'm miles away with dd.

OP posts:

NotaChance · 06/02/2009 20:26

I am quite paranoid myself - I really empathise with you.

Yes - I would be paranoid.

Should you be? Probably not..speak to your husband. Hope it works out x

Lulumama · 06/02/2009 20:29

why does he not invite these friends to yours? or at least be honest

he is either

cheating
not cheating but enjoying the attention of another woman
jsut simply friends but does not want to involve you etc as he knows you will thikn the worst
making the most of being away from home and having a grand old time with lots of new friends who are not part of his home life

but him going out with her and another couple would make me upset too, evne if it was simply as friends.

as she is there 'in your shoes' almost if the other people were in a couple

Lemontart · 06/02/2009 20:31

Yes, IMO you have every right to feel a little anxious about this - regardless of guilt on his behalf or not.I would feel very insecure if DH worked away from home and regularly met up for meals with a single woman -especially if he was rather vague and secretive about telling me. Combined with the double "dating" with another married man and single woman... hmm. Yes, my honest answer is that it would bother me. I would want to know more about her and expect my husband to be more up front about his social moves when away from home. Before accusing him of anything though, I would need facts - so would try to keep my insecurities/doubts/suspicions/paranoia in check with reality.

Can you not tell him that his vagueness and secretive approach about his social life away from home worries you? You do not need to come across as accusatory or paranoid, just honest with how you feel and asking for a little understanding and reassurance? Perhaps he is trying to be vague as not to worry you for no good reason? Perhaps he is aware how it might look and so trying not to make it look like something it isn?t IYSWIM.

Whatever the situation, you are not going to put your mind at ease and improve things unless you speak up. The more this eats away at your self confidence and trust in your DH, the more potential for real damage it might do to your long term relationship. Better talk about it now properly and find out the truth than let it fester until you explode with it all.

catMandu · 06/02/2009 20:33

I wouldn't be happy with this.

My dh also works away from home regularly and hates being on his own in a hotel room, so always goes out. He always tells me he's been out etc, not in a 'checking in' way, but it's normal conversation.

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 06/02/2009 20:36

having cosy foursomes with another couple?

the other couple are more than likely getting it on ?

he is evasive and secretive?

he has plenty of opportunity to cheat and seems to enjoy a single womans company on regular occasions?

fgs, let the scales fall from your eyes

she is is his mistress and you are being made a fool of

I am so sorry

Original poster

yayornay · 06/02/2009 20:39

OK, so not entirely paranoid. Good!

There was also a Christmas party a few years ago when he didn't get in until 6am (I found this out from the people with whom he was meant to be staying that night) and he told me he'd been at her house after the Christmas party (but not what time he got back). We never resolved what happened that night as he claims he was very drunk and can't remember. But he hasn't been to a Christmas do since: that's either guilt, or he's aware of how I felt about the situation. I hope the latter!

And I guess I know I need to talk to him, but wanted to make sure I wasn't entirely off beam.

Thanks for some very wise words.

OP posts:

Original poster

yayornay · 06/02/2009 20:41

do you know, i don't think that he is having a physical affair with her, but I'm not comfortable with the emotional attachment.

Anyway, we'll see when I talk to him.

OP posts:

Lulumama · 06/02/2009 20:43

it is sounding a lot like you are sniffing out the truth rather than being paranoid

SnowlightMcKenzie · 06/02/2009 20:49

yayornay I'd say it doesn't really matter what he is doing atm. You are not happy in the relationship. You don't like his behaviour whether unfaithful or not. You're not happy with the information he is giving you and you are not happy with the amount of time he is spending away.

So, - you need to sit down with him and work out what you both want, and if you actually still have a relationship.

jazzpants · 06/02/2009 20:51

my x became very friendly with a girl from his gym, he was going 3 times a week and they were constantly texting each other, whenever I approached him about it as it used to really piss me off, he would always deny there was anything going on.I was so miserable and paranoid trying to get hold of his phone constantly . Our 10yr relationship broke down and he started dating her 2 weeks later unless he was already doing it? who knows?. Not trying to say all men are cheats,
but tbh if he is faithful, IMO he is taking the piss! if your relationship is a good one he will understand your concerns, good luck x

AnyFuckerForAShiteSoppyCard · 06/02/2009 20:52

emotional attachment?

sorry to be blunt (blame the post friday workaday wine) but he is having a whole different life with her

abedelia · 06/02/2009 21:20

I wonder, does she know about you at all?

candystick · 06/02/2009 21:26

One thing that I would say (and this comes from bitter personal experience) is that if you continue to check his emails and texts be prepared for finding something that will make you feel like the bottom has dropped out of your world.

You may think you already "know" that something is going on but, believe me, as soon as you find that email/text you will feel as if you've been hit by a truck.

Obviously I hope that this isn't the case for you but I wanted to warn you just in case.

jazzpants · 06/02/2009 21:29

candystick, my thoughts exactly

mamas12 · 06/02/2009 22:04

oh yayornay what kind of a life do you have together? Do you do anything as a family or as a couple?
It does sound as if he is leading a sort of double life doesn't it and you feel as if you are getting the shitty end of the stick so to speak.
Why can't you go up to London soon and 'join in' and go see what happens at these gatherings and you do need to let him know how iunsecure this is makin g the marriage.

lessonlearned · 06/02/2009 22:14

I'm with maas12?

goodnightmoon · 06/02/2009 23:26

trust your instincts that this situation is NOT RIGHT.

i tell my dh flat out - you can not socialise with single women. it goes both ways - i wouldn't hang out with single men either.

unfortunately affairs are often just a matter of availability, and this woman is obviously available.

forget all this shit about men and women being just friends. yes i have male friends, some are my ex-boyfriends even! but you KNOW when it is right or NOT RIGHT!!

goodnightmoon · 06/02/2009 23:28

and just wanted to add - with the xmas party, etc. - he is pushing the boundaries, seeing what is acceptable, maybe toying with crossing the line or not crossing it. i should know, i had an affair in a previous long-term relationship and i did this sort of thing all of the time.

pull him back before it is too late!

lel1 · 11/02/2009 16:32

Get spy ware on his mobile and/or on his PC then you will know, and then you won't have to keep trying to get hold of his phone. Then you will know for sure, unless he has a separate phone you don't know about. Better to know the truth than live in the dark not knowing

Pinkfox · 11/02/2009 16:41

For some people an "emotional attachment" is the same as a physical affair, maybe an emotional relationship is worse?? For example my RL friend's ex-H had an affair and they tried to work it out and get over it, until he told my friend that he loved the OW, for my friend that was worse she said.

You obviously have concerns, I dont think you are paranoid, but to be checking his phone and emails you must be bothered by something.

Have you met this woman? I get the feeling he may perhaps be enjoying two different lives, a carefree one having dinner with people and then coming home to be a family man - do you get to go out and have dinner with people?? would you go to dinner with other people and not give him any details? Try it and see what he says!!

BlueSapphire77 · 11/02/2009 16:43

I'm with candystick on this one having been in that place myself

I am so sorry flower

Anyfucker is probably right..blunt as usual but right.. and no point in pissing about she'll tell you straight lol

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