Need some advice re MIL

[deepbreathandsmile]

I've name changed for this as DH knows my nickname and I'd hate him to see this.

I've always had a good relationship with my MIL, not incredibly close but very friendly but it has changed since I had DS 3 months ago. He is the first grandchild and I know they have been very excited about becoming GPs but I've found her behaviour recently a bit much and am not sure how to handle her.

Basically when she comes to visit all she wants to do is hold and play with DS from the minute she arrives. I do understand how much she loves him but I can't stand the way she grabs (and I mean forcefully grabs) him out of my hands without asking if she can hold him - I find it really rude and as she does it she says things like "I'll take him now, he obviously needs winding" which really undermines me and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. She grabs him every time I walk into a room with him or the minute I've finished feeding and takes him into another room or goes out for a walk with him. I'm not keeping him from her, far from it and am usually about to pass him to her anyway, it's just the grabbing i can't stand.

I've also ended up running around after them when they come to stay as they don't do much to help around the house - it's ok now as I'm much more sorted but it was really hard when he was newborn and I was struggling to cope. I suppose this has added to the resentment.

Things really came to a head over Christmas when they were staying with us for a week and I was having trouble breastfeeding and was really upset about it. She knew I had been upstairs crying with pain (thrush and bleeding nipples - another story!) and trying to feed DS and she knew how much I wanted to carry on breastfeeding yet the minute I came downstairs with him she said "Why don't you go and get some formula and I'll give him a bottle". I was so angry that she was totally unsupportive and just seemed to want the opportunity to feed DS herself.

I find her behaviour strange - it's as if she wants to pretend that DS is hers. My own mother is not like this at all and has been increadibly helpful and supportive.

Anyway, since New Year I haven't spoken to them or seen them (they live 300 miles away). I suppose I was still hurt and I didn't want to say anything in anger that I'd later regret. I have sent an email just to say hi and I did receive a thankyou card from them saying what a lovely time they had had over Christmas.

They are coming over for the day tomorrow but not staying the night (they have decided to stay with SIL for practical reasons, not due to any upset) and I just want to know how I should handle her. The main thing is her grabbing DS out of my arms - should I just let it go and accept that she is like this and it's done out of love for her GS or should I somehow make a stand and say something.

I don't want to upset DH as he loves his parents very much and can't really see any problem with her behaviour. I'm not usually one for patience or tact so trying to get some perspective on this.

Sorry that was a very long winded way of asking a simple question!

I don't know, I'm sure someone will be along soon.

TBH, my MIL was very supportive when mine were babies, as she'd had her own MIL problems.

It's only been recently that we don't see eye to eye.

If your ILs live a long way away, that's one consolation.

Hope the feeding's settled down OK.

Difficult one, I would hate the grabbing too. Perhaps you could take some sort of control by saying something before she grabs him eg "Do you want to hold him after I've burped him/changed his nappy/changed his clothes?", or if she tries to take him say, "he's a bit unsettled I'll give him to you in a minute".

My MIL was exactly the same with DS1, I was really annoyed with her for ages to be honest.
She seemed to just ignore me and even resent me for breastfeeding.
She was better with DS2, mainly because I felt more confident to set boundaries.
My DH actually said something to her about the grabbing, becuase it drove him nuts as well.
Have to say, she is an excellent grandmother, adores my boys and them her, and life is easier now they are no longer babies!

its alpha female stuff now you have a child - its all very primaevil.

you need to assert your authority as mother - or as godis my witness this will haunt your forvever.

nothing nasty, just - i am feeding him now and i shall wind him, when i am finished you can have him whilst i do some chores

LIKE a firm
this is what i want - you will comply

then

be firm

If she grabs, calmly say "I just need him back for a moment to wind/change nappy/change clothes etc" and take him back. Disappear upstairs for a few minutes and when you come back down say "here you are would you like to hold him for a while?" before she can grab. This drove my EMIL mad as it was taking the control away from her.

Most Grannies are desperate to get their hands on the grand-kids and many of them aren't subtle about it.

It can be hard when it's the first grandchild particularly for the mum but you do need to accept that she does want to have a go with the littl'un and basically prepare yourself for the fact that when she visits you are going to have to hand him over. Believe me, if this was your second or third baby you would be chucking him at her the second she walked through the door.

She lives 300 miles away so she is hardly in your face and therefore I think you should probably be the bigger person here and indulge her when she visits (obviously not with the feeding thing) and do it for the sake of your dh who, as you say, loves his mum very much.

If the main thing for you is the fact that she grabs ds out of your arms then make sure you aren't holding him when she arrives. Sorry if that sounds a bit simple but if that really is the main thing then make sure your dh is holding him or something.

I think compared to some MILs you are getting off lightly.

My MIL was completely different - again, she had had MIL problems when she was younger and as a result she has been the model of perfect MIL behaviour.

Still drives me dotty at times due to her erratic time-keeping, but she is great under it all.

To OP - I think that you have to live and let live on the christmas b/feeding difference of opinions. And the grabbing will calm down. And I think that mothers, mothers in law and maiden aunts are winding machines - it is a dark art that only the more, ahem, mature wise woman can master.

So I think you should let it be.

strap dc into a sling

actually I'd echo saadia's advice about seizing the conversational initiative

Oh I like pooka's take on it - hand the baby over when the feed is over and it's projectile vomiting time.

Put DS in a sling before MIL arrives and only take him out when you are ready. If you want him back, say so forcefully and grab if necessary. Just don't stand for it. Don't sit there feeling resentful, say what you want eg"I want my baby back now please" but with a friendly smile and arms outstretched, or "Not yet MIL, I'm not finished cuddling/winding/settling yet." I had a similar situation with my nan and aunts and found that you have to be as barefaced and forceful as they are. Don't be tempted to score points by doing it when you are happy for her to have DS though

My mother was like this (MIL was kicked into touch during the pregnancy )

Including trying to get me to give DS formula just so's she could give him a bottle - had forgotten how angry I was that day, your OP brought it flooding back!

Stand your ground, but stay nice even if you have to swallow your bile occasionally. An involved GP can be a lifesaver later on. I think a sling is a brilliant idea - she can't grab a baby who's strapped into a babybjorn...

I used to hate the grabbing thing too when my DC1 was a baby. MIL and DHs aunt used to just grab and then wander off into another room, which annoyed me more than anything. They are both lovely otherwise, but I used to hate the wandering off aspect. Why couldn't they just sit down next to me with him!! (I used to worry also that they would trip whilst walking around so I really hated it from that point of view also!)

It will wear off though. She is just super excited to see him. The breast feeding thing must have been annoying though but at least she won't be able to do that this time.

It is possible she was trying to be helpful with the bottle feeding comment, wanting to give you a break. Seeing you with bleeding nipples, well, it's just the sort of comment my mother would make in a cack handed attempt to be supportive.

blimey so many replies - thanks everyone!

I realise that i probably am getting off lightly with my MIL (some of the stories on here beggar belief!) but the grabbing thing really needles me even though i probably shouldn't let it. I think taking control without being rude is a good approach.

As for the feeding thing i probably should let it go.

Right i'm going to practise firm but polite reactions for when she tries to grab DS and try to avoid any more resentment building up.

Like has already been suggested, wear him in a sling. harder to snatch him! When she goes for him, say - clearly - "Yes X, you may hold him, here you go" so that you are passing him to her, rather than her taking him, iyswim.

Make a point of taking him back. "I'll take my son now, I need to ..." (note use of my son. Do not ask if you can take him. Tell her you are taking him. Take him. If she says she wants to do something "yes, you can do X for me, that would be helpful, thanks" (note use of for me - again establishing your role as mother!)

Basically, pass the message that everything she does, she does because you permit it.

put the baby in one of those baby slings borrow one of a friend if you have to . She cant get hold of him then . lol

Yes, firm and polite is the way to go but if your MIL continues to cause you hassle then your dh will need to speak to her - my sister had exactly the same experience and in the end her dh had a gentle, tactful but very firm chat with his mother and since then she has backed off a lot and is very understanding which has flipped their whole relationship around to something really rather positive! Miracles can happen!!!

My own mother was like this actually hovering over me with her arms outstretched ready for when they came off the breast. v. unnerving, but when I developed meningitis when ds was 4 months she came to live with us to look after me dh dd and ds moved intoHER bedroom because I couldn't hold him and she 'kept' him for three weeks! I did feel that sometime I had better ask for my baby back please sniff! But luckily she realised and he moved back into my room. But I remember that feeling.
I would say this bit won't last long and she sounds as if she will be invaluable later on.
I now know I won't have any more babies so I hope I don't turn into this kind of mil!