How would you describe abusive behaviour in a PERSON and at what point does it start?

[Salem1]

Intrigued.

salem1, you seemed to have very fixed ideas of your own on the other thread so what is your agenda here ?

No takers on abuse?

What about Neglect/Negligence? (disregard for another person) as well as abuse?

Is neglect a form of abuse too?

For e.g. it's been known that a parent has left their small kids on their own and gone on holiday with their lovers.

You will get some indicators from Every Child Matters website (sorry - too thick to link), look on safeguarding.

i think the two threads on here yesterday is enough of an illustration to show that everyone has different opinions on what constitutes abuse and what does not, and it will most likely be biased by past personal experience.
i mean everyone could agree that physical violence is wrong, but then we had a disagreement on where that threshold started.
also the gender seemed to come strongly into play.
one thing that did intrigue me was how many people thought that the feelings or reactions of the 'victim' was the defining quality.
e.g. a woman on one of the threads admitted to doing exactly the same as the man who grabbed, she lashed out and punched her husband in the arm and also screamed at him. but because the husband did not feel physically threatened by the screaming or change his actions this was not domestic abuse according to another poster while what the man did was because the woman in the thread felt physically threatened. surely wether or not it is abuse is determined by the actions of the person who is purtpoted to be carrying out the abuse, rather than the internal feelings of the partner over which they (the alleged offender) have no control.
in other words you could end up with two people who are badly matched (as often happens), where one is particularly shouty and vocal (but not in a violent/aggressive way) but the other is quite shy and not used to confrontation so internally he or she takes the partners shouty demeanour to be aggressive and threatening even though there is no intent there from the other partner to be so.is that still domestic abuse?

this is all just a bit of a babbling post, but i would be interested to find out how professionals and social workers define the lines of what constitutes domestic abuse.

It's not single acts, it's a pattern of behaviour which starts slowly and gradually escalates. Key indicators would be if one partner is afraid of the other, or feels that all the time he/she must moderate his/her behaviour because of how the other will react. A particular red flag is if one person becomes very visibly angry/agressive at not getting his/her own way, yet blames the other partner for not obeying or submitting or moderating his/her behaviour.

I think perhaps the main factor with abusers is that they feel that they are the important partner in the relationship, that the other partner should indulge them, placate them, service them and not contradict them in any way.

I guess what you're saying is that abusive and neglectful behaviour requires sound rationale thought and discussion rather than knee jerk reactions.

Thanks.

Well, yes. A partner who forgets your birthday, or stays out much later than promised on a regular basis might be being selfish and thoughtless, but that by itself isn't abuse: a partner who is charming, romantic, brings flowers etc but throws a huge plate-smashing tantrum when refused sex IS probably an abuser.

Did you check out ECM? IF you want to understand abuse this would be a great starting point!

Well Salem1? Still entrigued?

Some links which discuss this:

here

here

here

Salem1: are you seeking support that your partner is abusive ie confirmation that you are being abused (and not making a fuss about nothing), or - given some of your other posts - are you trying to persuade people that what you are doing to your partner is actually OK and he/she should stop whining/provoking you to do it?

To me, abuse can be summed up as trying to control somebody through fear. Abuse can be physical or emotional, but the common factor is that you are deliberately trying to undermine the other person's confidence in order to get them in your power.

This is the opposite to love, as far as I can understand. When you love someone, you want that person to feel good about themselves, to be strong and confident. In a loving relationship you see yourselves as working together for the common good.