Sorry this very long ? not sure how to explain the situation without putting it into context. So, as succinctly as I can ? my DP and I have had quite a troubled relationship over the 9 years we?ve been together. We have always argued, at times it?s got pretty nasty, and at times I?ve been frankly baffled as to why we?re actually arguing in the first place. I?ve had many tearful phone conversations with friends asking ?what have I done ??, ?am I right or wrong here?? When I first moved in with him he didn?t speak to me for a week, didn?t like me talking to friends, if we were out with friends and I didn?t stay by his side or spent too much time with someone else I?d get told I was ignorant and selfish. One Christmas Day I remember leaving the flat in tears when an argument about how to cook the carrots turned nasty. Why stay? He could also be very loving and caring in a similarly intense manner and he was (is) also very good at arguing and making me feel I must take part of the blame. I often feel tongue-tied when speaking too him as often what I say I feel is misconstrued and thrown back at me. He also takes things very literally which means I have to really search to find the exactly the right words to explain myself and I find that quite hard at the best of times!
Anyway ? DD now 5 was an accident ? I really didn?t think I wanted children with him and I took the morning after pill when I found out I was pregnant, it didn?t work. He was delighted, loves kids and was thrilled to be having a family with me ? as was I when I?d got used to the idea. He was very supportive whilst I was pregnant and after the birth but when I went back to work at 6 months I got quite depressed and found managing work ? 4 days a week ? and my new responsibilities as a mum very hard. I did so want to be at home with DD but found that hard too! DP couldn?t help with the dropping off at nursery/picking up, he was often at the pub after work, coming home late. I did all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning and looking after DD. He would get annoyed back at me if I got cross with him for not being more supportive/responsible and he refused to acknowledge I was depressed. At weekends if I arranged get-togethers with friends he refused to go, saying it was his time off, when friends had us round to dinner he?d turn up late. It was a nightmare but I was low and felt incapable of doing anything about it. I got pregnant with DS and sensing part of the trouble was that he was in a job which was very lad drinking culture and I wasn?t happy at mine we discussed moving and starting afresh somewhere else which we did.
DS?s birth shortly after the move was a nightmare, I nearly died and it did bring us closer for a while. We both eventually got new jobs, both full-time and bought a house in our new area and I have made some good friends and found my feet. His new job is very 9-5, no more down the pub, he helps much more with household stuff and childcare and the balance there is much better. The relationship is still hard, at times constant arguments, he can be sullen to be around and I have been accused of being boring, uncaring and selfish. Things reached a head earlier last year and I sought counselling at relate which he came to on and off. It helped me though I?m not sure it was that great. I wasn?t entirely sure about the counsellor and she was often off sick. A psychiatrist friend of mine recommended a private counsellor but the cost was inhibitive so I continued at relate and just getting things off my chest, talking about it was a big help. After our first session together DP was very angry ? said I?d made him look a fool, that I was making things up to make me look better, was generally very hostile. He did go back again, although sporadically and I did see a change with him. However, he showed no real commitment to it, would turn up late to appointments and I didn?t think that we could go anywhere with it so I told the counsellor we wouldn?t go any more. I told him this and said that if he was still interested he could still go but he was pretty pissed off that I?d cut it off without discussing it with him. We had though discussed the whole counselling thing several times and he showed little interest in it.
One of the things the results of my first relate appointment was that I decided that I was going not to have sex with him any more unless I wanted to. This sounds very cold-hearted but when the counsellor asked me why I was still having sex when I didn?t want to it was a lightbulb moment and a huge relief to me, somehow I had it in my head that I had to. After the years of arguments and tension I really didn?t want to have sex with him but I thought no sex would make the relationship worse and I did want to retain a ?closeness?. 2 young kids, a full time job, quite severe financial difficulties didn?t help and I found I just didn?t have a libido ? which I?d told him ? but I did make an effort to maintain a sex life. Unfortunately as time went on I found that I never actually did want to have sex and in fact him touching me made me tense and angry. In my late teens I?d had a relationship for 4 years which was physically and sexually abusive and whilst I hadn?t thought it had affected me it obviously had, and found myself thinking about it again, partic as the counsellor had said that some of DPs behaviour was actually abusive.
Anyway ? the long and short of it is we have not had sex for 6 months, some closeness but I still can?t bear to be touched. For him it is very difficult, we?ve talked about it and I explained I hadn?t actually wanted sex for a long time ? as he knew ? but that I?d made the effort for the reasons I gave above. He?s fixated now on my having sexing with him when I didn?t want to which he says is an incredibly hurtful thing for me to say to him. I?ve said that our relationship is exhausting, too many arguments, ups and downs, and that I need some stability in a loving, caring relationship before I can channel my energies into building up my libido. He tries really hard for a week or so and we get on great but then he starts to withdraw, get sullen, indirectly have a go at me for not having sex and the whole thing comes to a head again. 2 nights ago he asked me what I was going to do about it, it was my problem, I was the one who?d told him something very hurtful (this from the man who told me once I was the most boring person he?d ever slept with, that I was crap in bed!), that I didn?t find him attractive ? basically that it was my problem and if the relationship was to move on I had to do something about it. Last night he said the same and added that it was just for financial reasons that he was still with me. I explained that I didn?t know what to do ? I really don?t ? that his behaviour wasn?t helping ? he replied he?s just trying to discuss it rather than avoid it like me. He says he?s sad and hurt and resigned to a life without sex. And I find myself feeling sorry for him ? but I still don?t want to have sex with him. I feel like we?ve talked about this so much, that he?s choosing to hear what he wants (or doesn?t want) to hear from all I say and also, after all the problems we?ve had and continue to have surely I can?t be unusual in not wanting sex. I really feel like I can?t make myself do it any more. I did suggest when we were having counselling we have sex therapy also but he dismissed it saying that there were other issues in our relationship which needed to be sorted out first. Which surely is my whole point - so how come now my refusing seems to be the big issue?
Sorry ? said it was long. I guess I?m just wanting another perspective ? or some perspective on this. I think our relationship is doomed and ultimately it?s better for us and the children if we split but practically it?s difficult, house sale, not enough for money to go around 2 households etc. I have started up a small business as well as my day job to try and bring in extra cash so I could afford the house on my own. Or ? am I being the selfish, uncaring person he thinks I am and should I make the effort as sex is so important to him as a means of feeling loved and appreciated?