Partner not pulling his weight- at wits end- long story!

[Panda40]

Hi, I am new to this but thought I would give it a go. I am at my wits end , cant talk to friends as dont want them to know what is going on, cant talk to parents as they would juts tell me to get out and come home.

I have a beautiful daughter 18mths. My husband and I have spent the best part of this time really leading seperate lives but together..he got a job in another country just as we found out I was pregnant. I was working so we made the decision really from a financial point of view, for me to keep working. He would travel home maybe every month so he missed all the stresses and hormonal times I had. When I went into labour he did get the plane home and was there for the birth. Since this happened I was then made redundant when my daughter was 6mths old. I moved over to join my husband but it has been stess from day one. The house we had ( which I was living in) we cant rent it out, he is not happy in his work and does nothing but moan when he comes home about things I havent done in the house etc. The final straw has come now as I have been ill and he stayed off work for half day...a half days for goodness sake and even then he could not give his daughter the attention she needed. I hate seeing it. She is such a loving wee girl and she just wants daddy's attention but he is too into the Blackberry or his phone to see what is right infront of him. Even the house was in a mess, he made dinner and that was it. He sat with her drawing a picture but saying stuff like "This is your mummy's new house where you and she will live with your new daddy" and weird things like that. I couldnt stand it any longer and so I ended up giving our daughter her bath and putting her to bed ( he has done this only a few times and that is always after me having to ask him/tell him to do it)

I am really saddened by this behaviour and am at the point of seriously wondering what our future holds. We never have time for ourselves yet he makes time for his gym sessions and nights out. I am loosing my mind as all sorts of thoughts are now going through my head as to what I should do. Help. Think just having someone to talk to would really help.

Have you spoken to him about it? What does he say about it?

Poor you. I have also had the experience of feeling very alone during pregnancy and with a small child, and it is very sad. I also know how frustrating it is when fathers appear to think that email/the internet/work/sport is more important than giving their children attention.

The remarks about "mummy's new house" are really strange. Can you talk to him about this?

Do you think counselling might help? It sounds like you don't really know what is going on in his head, and sitting down with a neutral party might help you find out.

You have my sympathy, I know what this feels like, and it is very lonely.

You don't say in your OP whether or not you love him. It doesn't sound like you even like him. You need to think about that irst - what do you actually want to happen? For him to mend his ways and you to be happy together in 30 years' time? Can you see any possibility of that?

It sounds like you need to adopt some scare tactics - tell him, in a letter if that's easier, quite how low you're feeling and how the situation just can't stay the same. He sounds quite immature, and some men take a long time to adjust to fatherhood, so there could be hope.

In the meantime you sound isolated and lonely - the more you can do on your own, the more friends you can make and activities you can do, the stronger you'll feel. DO you do the whole toddler group circuit? Tis hell, but you might make some friends.

Hi Panda

I'm off to bed now (other side of the world from MN really), but just wanted to send you an answer....

the things he was saying to your daughter sound very weird, I'm not sure if i understand them right - is he implying htat you will go off to live with someone new???

1 - I don't think it's a surprise that he is finding it so difficult / is indifferent to deal with what your daughter needs and is like. He has missed out on a huge bonding time...it's a big problem generally I think - themore men don't get involved with child rearing, the more they don't get involved.

2 - It sounds as if you're both miserable; what does he say if you actually ask him what he thinks about "things"?

3 - I'd be concerned that he really ought to talk to someone, if not you, if he is feeling so detached from you both, and saying odd things. Maybe he's waiting for you to ask him what he's talking about? Maybe he's assuming the best way out is to separate? Whatever, it's obviously coming from a very unrealistic/strained man, who is in a mess (not that you're not...), so I wouldn't worry about it meaning the end of everything, jsut that you have to face it ehad on and deal together.

4 - If he is willing to talk to you/anyone about this all, and it is related to all you've both been through, is there any point in trying (either of you) to get jobs back in theh UK, staying in the house you can't rent out? Sounds as if the whole o/seas move has not worked, and maybe "going home" would.

Sorry, really have to go, but thinking of you,

J

Oh you poor thing.

The bits about mummy's new house etc are a bit weird and I would ask him about it. It maybe that he is very sensitive to your unhappiness and feels this is the only way he can express his concerns to you. It does sound like neither of you are communicating well atm - no blame attached, this happens, particularly when you have/are both in such a difficult situation; new baby, moving, job misery, etc. Any one of these things on their own can tip a fantastic relationship on its head. If you can view this as a challenge to your relationship which you can overcome together, the outlook is much brighter for you both.

You do need to talk, and make some decisions about your lives.

Thank you for taking the time to even reply to me. Being able to hear other peoples views does help big time, stops you feeling so isolated really.

I have tried talking to him about it, he said he had a dream about me in another house. That is all he is willing to talk about. He always says ah we will talk next week and then that never happens. We are under a lot of financial stress right now and I know that is taking its toll on us but my god we have a gorgeous daughter and he just never seems to be happy even when she is with him. He wont talk to anyone , well at least as far as I know. He has loads of issues to deal with, his father left him when he was a teenager and although they did have contact once after he left, it has now been 12 years since his dad has been intouch. Guess what, yes now out of the blue he gets intouch so add that all into the boiling pot. Bit of a mess eh? He moans that I dont pull my weight but that is just all a smoke screen I know as I have been told by the doctor that I am having a burn out..great timimg eh but these things never choose the best moment. I told him this but he has really not taken any notice at all. I just take things on a daily basis really. It is like he has some self destruct button that he wants to push all the people close to him away..then he can say to himself see I knew this would happen. Does that make sense? I have told him that I cant go on like this and his response is well go back to your parents then. Yeah really helpful and constructive and I know he doesnt actually mean it but I am getting so tired of it all I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should for a while. I just thought that since this was his second marriage ( his first one broke up he was married to an older woman and she had an affair so he left when his first daughter was only 2..he has not had it easy and has made every effort to keep in contact with his daughter)that he would want to make things work and make the most of being given a second chance. Crikey please dont think I am sitting here like a little victim, I know I am the only person who can change this situation but it just helps so much to share my thoughts right now so thanks for listening You see the story is not straight forward as you can see. Long and complicated. Sometimes it would be so nice if it was just easier for a while..good bottle of wine and a shoulder to share would be heaven right now and I am sure would solve a few issues

Best stop for now but hope you are all doing well today. Thanks

Poor old Panda, this sounds grim. If the doctor is saying you are burning out, you MUST look after yourself. You are obviously under a lot of strain. It is exhausting being there for your DD all the time, especially if you are in a foreign country away from friends and family.

Maybe it would be a good idea to go back to your parents for a little break. Are they the sort of people who would pamper you and maybe be a shoulder to cry on? You wouldn't have to present it to your DH as if you were leaving him, just that you need a bit of a rest.

i don't agree that you are the only person that can change the situation - he is.

have you tried things like giving him a list of things to help you out with in the evenings and on weekends? doing things like telling him what you expect him to do with your dd?

i do think having a little holiday with your parents might give you both a bit of breathing space.

plus trying to start your own life going again. do you have any friends in this new country? can you go out in the evening occasionally and get your dh to babysit?