Can someone come and slap me about a bit, I'm so awful to DH

[chronicnamechanger]

I've namechanged.
I am so sad, disgusted and angry at myself today over the way I treat DH.
Married 16 years, 2 dc, he is a wonderful man who I've always been attracted to. No-one I'd rather be with, he's my best friend, and the best dad my kids could ever have. Never been a day when he hasn't worked to keep us, never complains about it. Always treated me/kids/family with love and respect. Always made me feel loved and secure. Actively wants me to be fulfilled and happy. (God, I am a bitch.)
Our sex life has always had its ups and downs, noticeably for a couple of years after each child arrived (youngest now 7). We've always managed to get through these patches.
However, for the last year I have not been as keen on sex as previously. Am having difficulty enjoying it as much. Feel kind of 'impatient' to get it over and done with. We have been under a lot of stress and he has been working extremely hard. But we discuss these issues and are very much on the same team.
I have taken to avoiding sex if I can. And if he suggests an early night, I have started making really sarky remarks 'OK, I can lie back and think of England for a while' and really awful things. I can see the hurt in his eyes and he will always say it's OK if you're too tired, etc. I then say something like 'no,no, it's OK, we'll do it'. Yuck. I am making him feel like a useless bother in my life.
He deserves sex. He really does. And so do I. I want to have the sex life we used to have. I just don't know how to get back there.
Sorry I've rambled a bit. Any and all advice welcome. I can take it. Bear in mind I'm a practical (hands-on!) sort of woman. Six months of counselling and a 300-page book might help, but clear instructions on how to get this back on track starting Tonight much appreciated.

Shave your muff, put nice pants on uinder your clothes, wear high heels and once the kids are in bed, get drunk.

I prescribe a holiday!

I second the above - go out and have a damm good drink.

We have got out of the habit of enjoying ourselves I think.

Yes, pamper yourself and make a real effort to feel attractive and sexy.

Suggest a no-sex touching session maybe? Massage and kissing and all that but no pressure to have sex. Sometimes I used to find being expected to perform (even if pressure in my own mind) made me freeze up, but to be touched and held is lovely and can help break down some of the barriers. Also maybe make some space for couple time - get a babysitter and go out for a night - have a laugh, remember why you enjoy each other's company and take it from there. Stop making it about sex and make it about intimacy, and sex will improve.

Why do you think youre being sarky? Is there underlying tension? ie not just about sex.

Have a bath, moisturise all over and feel gorgeous.
Ten think what turns you on. Maybe go to bed 15 mins before him and read some erotic fiction to get you in the mood?
It will improve, the more good sex you have, the more you want it!

Coldtits, two years ago I would have done exactly that. Only I would not have stopped at nice pants.
Until this 'lethargy' began, we had sex every second night and I would be shaved and waxed. He never knew I actually had underarm hair. Now I am hard pushed to bother shaving once a week. I've recently started a course of iron to see if this makes any difference (have been having heavy periods and wonder if I might be a bit anaemic).
No wonderbra needed. DH thinks I have a fab bosom and a lovely bum. Course I think differently, but again he is very appreciative and does all he can for my self confidence.
No prospect of holiday till finances improve in the summer.
Every second night is probably unrealistic at the moment, but do you think if I make an oath to myself for every third night and just Get On With It, things will begin to click into place?

Flight, don't feel that there is any underlying tension. We communicate really well, we talk a lot about how hard he/we are working and I really don't begrudge the way things are. In a lot of ways, we asked for it (started a new, bigger business etc), so we have to deal with it together. Our kids are, shall we say, challenging, but again we talk a lot about them. We share things.
There is just this horrible 'lethargy' about me.
I think I am being sarky. 'OK, I can bear to lie back and think of England for a while tonight' is a horrible sarky thing to say and he doesn't deserve it.

Could you be depressed? I am not saying that just because you don't want sex you must be depressed, it's just your comment about your lethargy.

Agree with the coldtits and ruby. Give him a nice treat tonight, make a nice meal (not too heavy, you don't wanna be all bloated), do yourself up and have a glass of wine (or two) then get jiggy

Your DH sounds totally fab. You just have to read some of the threads on here to realise how lucky you are. Re-read your first paragraph - how nice is that? Honestly, in the absolute nicest of ways you just need a kick up the a$$

It's so easy to take people for granted a little bit and the fact that you realise it and want it to change is great. You've typed the words, now you need to work on the actions so never mind hanging round here all day! Get your a$$ in gear and come back tomorrow and let us know how you got on, how your DH thinks you are so fab and how much happier you feel!!!

Go for it!

I think you need to make an effort not only for your DH but for you too.

The less you do it the less you want to do it imho.

I would shave and moisturise and have a couple of drinks (make sure kids are asleep) to give you some courage and make a move on DH. Even if you really dont feel like it, just try.

I suggested to DH last night that on Saturday evening we are going to have an evening for us. He is going to cook and then we will have a shower together, drink some nice wine and have an early night. I keep sending him texts to remind him!! and he keeps grinning! On other days we just go for it there and then but the anticipation for Saturday is exciting too.

Maybe send him a few risque texts!!

He sounds lovely.

Bella, have considered whether I'm depressed. I suffered with depression around 1996/7 and it responded well to medication (and yes, DH was really supportive then too). But this feels very different. This extends only to this one facet of my life.
GM, I used to love our date nights (usually first Saturday after my period ended). It was a family home till 10pm, then changed to a very private nightclub with just two members, subdued lighting, nice outfits, clinking glasses. I had a fab sex life.
I am still having sex. We made love Saturday night and about a week before that. I know he felt like it last night (you can tell after 24 years together, can't you) and I totally blanked him, ignored his cuddles on the sofa and went to sleep.
It's annoying that when we ARE having lots of sex, we can talk about it so easily. But when we are NOT, it's like walking on egg shells. I feel like I should text him "We must make love tonight. Don't accept any excuses". But I feel..shy. But what's so wrong about sending the message 'we have a problem, and we are going to work on it'.
I'm effing bonkers.

I agree with bella...you do sound a bit depressed... perhaps a talk to the doctor and/or a bit of different excersise?... (dancing is the only excersise I like and it usually helps lift my mood)
For me something that kick started the libido again after our ds was born (as well as all the previous excellent self pampering suggestions)was looking through some snaps of our first years together and remembering all the excitement, discoveries and experimentation...also when I really couldnt face it for myself I just offered to do something just for him...it stopped me feeling guilty and in fact made me feel quite vampipsh and considerably more in the mood (early days memories again)
I hope you get your mojo back soon.

You're not effing bonkers - send him the text: he'll be delighted, I am sure.

I send my dh completely filthy texts and have to be really careful as my SIL's name comes up just before his in my phone - could be tricky!

ooops sorry about the spelling, obviously I was feeling a very drunk vamp

oh ,and I meant send the 'must make love' text, not the 'we have a problem' one

Floria - you vampip!

Some years ago, you have reminded me Bella, DH was away at a car racing weekend with his mates. DD got chicken pox and I had been texting him photos of the rash. That night, sitting round the camp fire, DH received another message from me. 'Oh look' he says to all,'another spotty picture'. They gathered round to look.
To see a photo I had taken of myself, wearing nowt but a thong and high heels bending over with a duster to hand. Captioned 'Lonely housewife seeks...'
See, we did have a lot of fun.
Wonder if I've still got that photo somewhere on my phone...
Thank you all. I have to bite the ..bullet..get back into the rhythm and hope the earth starts moving again. I know this.

'DH, Fancy a shag when you get in? And a BJ? or a 69? I will be waiting.........'

Keep it simple.

Sorry chronicnamechanger I haven't read whole thread, but is it possible that you might have an underactive thyroid, lethargy, lack of get up and go, has systems of depression without the actual depression,

Sounds like you need to get the duster out, CNC!

sounds like you need a good dusting!!!

We have all been there at some stage. Good luck !