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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know how I feel about DH anymore - Please Help

9 replies

IDRestricted · 03/02/2009 10:24

Sorry this is a long one.
I have been with DH for almost 7 years and we have been married for just over a year. We have 2 fantastic DSs and I do love him, he is a lovely person and a great Dad but we have only sept together 6 times in over 3 years.
I had a mc befre DS1 was born and the problems started then, I thought I had lost my libido due to pregnancy etc, I made an effort to get pg with DS2 but I just don't want to sleep with him anymore. I can't even bring myself to enjoy a kiss and a cuddle now.
I thought the problem would resolve itself and I would get my urges back but I haven't.

Last week a very very old friend got back in touch with me and came to see me yesterday, we had a very very brief fling when I was 15 and he was 18 but nothing ever came of it as I didn't think he felt the same way about me as I did about him and we lived a long way from each other. However it turns out that he did and that he has thought about it alot over the last 13 years.

Nothing happened between us yesterday but the feelings were stil there and I just wanted to rip his clothes off and jump into bed with him which kind of made me wonder if my libido was lost or was just lost on DH.
I don't know what to do now. I have no idea if anything would ever come of this old friend or even if I want it to, but I feel like my marriage is a big lie and don't want to spend the rest of my life unhappy.

On the other hand I don't want to disrupt my kids either DS2 is only 4 months old!
I'm in turmoil, my head is spinning I can't stop thinking about this guy but I feel like I am cheating on DH just by having these thoughts.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated I am very very and my head is a mess.

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 03/02/2009 10:28

Well I have no idea what you should do, but I really don't think the fact that you wanted to rip your friend's clothes off means that you and your dh are doomed. I think most couples become complacent with each other and go through periods of boredom, and I also think the way you felt about your friend was partly based on the excitement of the unknown and the forbidden.

You have heard of the 7 year itch? Perhaps that is what you are feeling. Personally I think you should work hard at keeping your relationship with your husband together - and he should work at it too - because it doesn't sound like you are incompatible, maybe just stale.

scarlotti · 03/02/2009 10:36

I do feel for you - are you able to seek out some counselling at all for this?
I am currently seeing a CBT counsellor as we have similar issues and it's down to my lack of libido - it's helping me work out how I feel about things in a situation where I feel I can say anything without any repurcussions or starting any wheels in motion.

Remember that when you compare a long term relationship against someone you've just met (or re-met) you are not comparing apples with apples.

Did you fancy your DH at the beginning? It could well be hormonal changes within your body from the m/c and the pg's that are messing with your libido.

Sending (hugs) your way - I do understand the despair you feel.

Is there a change you may have post natal depression? I had that after my ds and my libido suffered. It doesn't have to mean that you can't stand the baby and can't do anything. It can be as subtle as just a lethargic undercurrent that you can't quite pinpoint.
Speak to your HV as they will be able to give you some advice or point you in the right direction. You don't have to mention the old flame, just the libido bits.

Worst case scenario is that you speak to someone and you get to work out that you don't want to be married anymore. At least then you can be reassured that you tried your best which will minimise the guilt.

scarlotti · 03/02/2009 10:38

Crossed posts with DumbledoresGirl - have to say I agree with what she's saying too.

Any chance of an evening out together, or a night away to just be the two of you? Hard when you've little ones I know but it can do wonders to remind you of what you fell for originally.

We all get bogged down in life and it can cloud our feelings for people.

mrsdisorganised · 03/02/2009 10:40

My Dh and I have been together since we were 15....I got 'itchy feet' about 3 years ago...wrecked everything for about 7 months (and we had 3 dc's) my head was a mess and I got some one else involved......DumbledoresGirl is completely right.
Anyway we tried again, went away as a family for over a month (racked up the credit cards!) and have never looked back, married life is hard work but if you want it to work it will. It took me a long time to build up a sexual relationship with my DH again...had alot of guilt and well it was just hard. You're probably thinking about this guy because it's easier than facing your problems....I don't want to sound harsh but get him out of your head and give your marriage your all if it's still not working reasses it, I NEVER want to go through my time apart from my DH ever again....

mrsdisorganised · 03/02/2009 10:42

Oh Second the possiblity of post natal depression.... I was and lived in complete denial....I really feel for you. x

Original poster

IDRestricted · 03/02/2009 10:52

Thanks Ladies, I did see a doctor after DS1 was born but she didn't offer an awful lot of help and didn't think it was PND.

I see what you are saying about this guy not being comparable to a 7 year relationship, I realise someone new is always a bit more exciting.It really isn't about him, he still lives away so seeing him again won't be a major problem.

I think I need to go back to the doctor or HV like you say and start looking into some form of counselling, we do manage to get out without the DCs quite often due to a large very supportive family and we always have an excellent time together, we don't really argue either it really is only the intimate relations that are the problem.

OP posts:

mrsdisorganised · 03/02/2009 10:54

Reading your post I really feel that you should try....fully appreciate that it is hard, but you get on well which is a huge plus point! Good luck x

DumbledoresGirl · 03/02/2009 11:36

Well if you have a good time when you are out and it is only really the intimate side of things that is missing, try some psychosexual counselling.

Though with young children, a lack of sex is completely normal.

scarlotti · 03/02/2009 11:38

Good luck and do go and speak to the doc or your hv. If it's only (and I don't mean that lightly) intimate relations that are the issue then I'm convinced they can be sorted out.
Another option is hypnotherapy - I've had that and it works well. You can get cd's targeted at getting in touch with your sexual side again - a side that's so easily lost when the demands of motherhood are at their peak when you have little ones.

You sound as though you get on really well so it would be such a shame to lose that. Sounds like you've lost the spark but it can be rekindled so don't lose hope.

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