Relationship Problems - sorry long

[Sa11ee]

I don't really know where to start, OH and I have been together for 17 years since school, married for 2.5 and DD is 9 months old. It feels like our relationship is going to pot and I don't know if it's a glitch or the beginning of the end.

We both adore DD and he is very good with her and I am really starting to feel broody for no2. It probably looks perfect.

I am really unhappy though; we had some problems with MIL when we were planning our wedding and now that we have DD I think the same thing is going on - she is not a bad person at all, just way too full on and I find her constant over excitement really overbearing and exhausting and I am exhausted enough already, she wants to be around all the time and I don't want that. OH has never managed this and I think that he spends his time trying to please everyone and pleasing nobody. I feel as though they wish I wasn't there when they are with DD, which wouldn't really surprise me because I wish I wasn't there. Everything is give an inch, take a mile - so if we go and see them he's always in a huff that it's not earlier than is easy and and we always leave later, his Mum always tries to eke out every last second. It was the main thing we argued about, but now it's spreading - he doesn't go out a fraction of the times he used to, but can't see that if he planned on Monday to go out on Friday (just to the pub)and then DD is ill all week that it might be decent not to leave me dealing with it - then it's like a huge favour - he cancels nights out out of the blue saying that he's done it because I'm not pleased or "wouldn't have let him go" and then again it's as though he's done me a huge favour.

He's also now decided that we should be going on holiday with his friends none of whom are married (although it is a mixed group)and none of whom have children - he can't understand why this doesn't work for me, we never used to do this and now we're having an almighty fight about going away in May with them during the week of my birthday and when some of my NCT friends are holding first birthday parties.

I'm going back to work part time in June, not because we need me to, but because the world seems to think it would be a good idea for me to and the idea of leaving DD is breaking my heart even now.

He thinks I just see problems in everything and I think he just thinks everything "will probably be fine". This both makes me feel sick and incenses me at the same time.

I don't believe he takes how I feel seriously and even tonight he dropped our argument mid sentence because a work e-mail came in, and has now gone to bed without resolving it in anyway. I'm pretty sure if I bring it up tomorrow the reaction will simply be "what are you moaning about now?"

I really don't know where to start making this better.

I think he's having a bit of a new-dad panic.

It's easier for us women to adjust to motherhood, because we (usually) have months and months to get used to the idea, and to establish a relationship with the baby before it's even born - but many of us still feel "not right" for a long time after giving birth. I don't just mean PND, but many women don't feel that instant rush of love that some women do, most (if not all) of us sometimes feel we can't cope - I hope you know what I mean.

(Er, I don't mean I hope you've felt you can't cope. I mean, I hope you can see that we have a longer time and much more intimate experience, to become used to being mothers, and still it's not perfect.)

For a dad, he's seen your body change and (hopefully) been supportive when you've been hormonally irrational, or throwing up, or demanding odd stuff to eat. He's probably been with you, feeling helpless in the face of the pain you feel while in labour. He's "lost" the woman who was all-his for so many years, and this baby is taking all of your attention. He's feeling excluded.

Let's face it, he probably is. I know my DH was (by me) when DS1 was that age.

The holiday with childless/free pals is a symptom of that. You need to find time to sit down with him and talk calmly (or sob hysterically - it worked for me )- about the changes that have happened in your joint lives in the past couple of years. You need to tell him exactly why going on holiday with his friends is such a bad idea - it probably wouldn't be much of a holiday for you, for starters - and why it's important to you to see your NCT friends in May. He's a nice bloke, isn't he? He'll understand if you explain it to him.

And if you don't want, and don't need, to go back to work in June, don't. Sod what "the world" wants. Everything will "probably be fine."

Quite agree with OldLady. If you don't need to go back to work and you don't want to - don't. "The world" is not your dd's mother, you are.

It does sound like he's missing his childfree existence - we all do on occasion. (Him rather more than 'on occasion' however!) Would there be some merit in him having a holiday away with his pals on his own, and then later a holiday with you and dd? Although make clear you'd expect the same in return, even if you don't exercise the right in the same way (i.e. you'd have a nice spa day or similar rather than an actual holiday away).