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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

finding it difficult to buy a valentines card as i dont actually mean any of the words dh doesnt make me happy.....

27 replies

mum2samandalex · 02/02/2009 22:47

written inside. Alot of them say how happy you make me and how thankful i am for marrying him. The truth is i love him but regret marrying him and im not happy what so ever.I will end up buying a jokey one as i cant write or send something i dont mean anyone else feel the same....

OP posts:

southeastastra · 02/02/2009 22:48

valentine's card is the least of your problems

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 02/02/2009 22:49

i know dh loves me to death and if i didnt get one he'd be heartborken

OP posts:

lilac21 · 02/02/2009 22:49

So don't get him one. I stopped because I felt like you do.

Shitemum · 02/02/2009 22:50

stuff the card, you need to talk to him

Tortington · 02/02/2009 22:51

get a plain one

and write

Dear x,

the relate appt is friday

100yearsofsolitude · 02/02/2009 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 02/02/2009 22:51

i know its just dawned reading them how sad things are between us.I think weve just drifted apart as dh works away alot and we have a new baby etc its more our situation thats the problem

OP posts:

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 22:54

Thing is, no one else can make you happy. Do you think you would be content forever with someone else? You'd still have to live with the person you are.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 02/02/2009 22:56

i want to try and make effort etc but its hard when you dont always feel that way. Weve tried relate and it was clear dh job and family was the problem but hes been unable to find another job that means we can see more of each other and where he can help out more at home with the children.

OP posts:

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 22:56

If it's your situation causing the problem then it's not irretrievable. You could try the 'fake it 'til you feel it' approach.

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 22:59

Why does he have to help more at home with the children? Surely if you're at home that's the deal (grim though it can be at times). And it's not easy being the sole breadwinner.

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 02/02/2009 23:01

the situations making me resent him as i gave up my career to have a child with the plan of going back to work this never happened. I dont get any support with childcare from his family and mine work so im pretty much left holding the baby/s. Ive lost my independence and confidence. The plan was he was supposed to change jobs to be more help at home so i could go ou to work etc and have my own life right now im on my own midweek and i hate it.

OP posts:

Dominique07 · 02/02/2009 23:06

Sometimes it happens, feelings change, but it can't be irreversable. Circumstances shouldn't be able to control us, or at least we should be aware that it is just our current circumstances making us feel like this.
Regreting marrying someone may not be that unusual,
you mature and change,
but it can't be all bad or you wouldn't love the guy.
Yes you need to talk - he needs to know all of this, and there must be some hope for you both that he can eventually change his job to something suitable?
anyway, maybe you need to use Valentines as an opportunity for some romantic dates 'doing' things together - and say to him that you need to do things like this to get a bit romantic again! Maybe he can pull a sickie at work? Try some new things together... go ice skating or for a walk in the snow!!! ... build some snowmen or something fun and active that gets the heart pumping. Xxx

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 23:07

If you feel you haven't got alife you could try making one. Assuming your DH hasn't deliberately not changed jobs, making the best of the situation as it stands rather than being filled with regret and resentment is a far healthier option, especially for your DCs.
It's not their fault things haven't worked out as you planned, but their childhood is passing by and you could seriously regret not getting more out of this precious time while you can.

FriarKewcumber · 02/02/2009 23:12

if you were single, you would still be on your own but all the time not just midweek. Who fault would it be if you were unhappy then?

You need to take some responsibility for the situation yourself.

Can you arrange for childcare so that you can work at least part-time or do an evening class or anything really. Just stop "blaming" your DH for the position you are both in.

What are you doing to change things (not him or his family or your family)

moondog · 02/02/2009 23:15

My dh works far far away and i don't see him for 6 weeks at a time.Has been like this for 8 years.
It's a choice we made together.It would be impossible for him to get similar work where we live. I don't hold it against him.I have a life and a job and lots of things to do and when we are together, we are very happy.

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 23:18

FK - that's what I was trying to say - thank you for putting it so eloquently.

I think you sound depressed (to OP) - but apportioning blame doesn't make anyone feel better.

YeToxicHighRoad · 02/02/2009 23:19

FK - that's what I was trying to say - thank you for putting it so eloquently.

I think you sound depressed (to OP) - but apportioning blame doesn't make anyone feel better.

morningsun · 02/02/2009 23:25

don't be so mean to the poor girl!
When we get married and have dcs it can be quite a shock to find that you are the only one who has given things up.
Everything should be shared but some men aren't v communicative and [dare i say a little selfish] and a caring mother can be left with all the responsibility for child rearing.
I mean if she has given up a career,it is not always possible to pick it up again just like that.
It should all be fair and talked about and planned but that isn't always the case.
Have a bit of sisterly solidarity fgs!

FriarKewcumber · 02/02/2009 23:37

I wasn;t terying to be mean!

I was being honest - she isn't going to get anywhere if allanyone says to her is "Oh dear how terrible for you"

She like all of us is an adult and therefore largely responsible for her own happiness. From her OP I understand that she loves her DH, that he has to work away form home but has tried to get a job more locally but failed aand that she hates being on her own midweek.

I fail to see how any of that translates into her DH making her unappy!

The situation is making her unhappy as she has just as much of an opportunity to improvethe situation as he does, in fact more because she can control her own actions but not his.

He worls away to earn money to support his family and is also on his own mid week (albeit without the children) and somehow her being unhappy is entirely his fault?

morningsun · 02/02/2009 23:50

I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean really!
I just felt a bit sorry for her cos if the dcs are v young she probably feels honour bound to look after them herself but is finding it difficult doing it alone.
Also,its all the other jobs that you have when you're a non person earner,like being general dogsbodyetc that get you down

Original poster

mum2samandalex · 03/02/2009 00:40

Thanks for your replies i appreciate your honesty. I dont blame dh as i have made my own choices a little part of me regrets settling down. I do feel a bit depressed maybe more then a bit as alot of the time i feel like a single parent without the little extras as they get help with childcare. I would love to do that but we couldnt afford to. I find my life a bit like groundhog day at the moment like most sahm.Im having alot of sleepless nights with the kids.When dh is home we dont spent any quality time together. I feel too tired for anything physical.When we speak on the phone its really awkward and silent pauses.Im doing a course but its a home learning one again i havent got any one to look after the kids of an evening.

OP posts:

Shitemum · 03/02/2009 09:01

No matter what anyone says it's the woman who gives up most when she becomes a parent.
I found it put me firmly in my biological place. I didnt even have a great career that I couldnt wait to get back to but I feel like I've lost all chance of ever having one or doing what I feel like ever again.
I'm sick of the demands my 2 make on me, sick of interrupted sleep, wiping bums, never being able to eat a meal without having to jump up to get things for them, sick of the mess they make. I'm lonely and bored a lot of the time and we have financial problems, like everyone else.
So I am very short of fuse and snap at them and DP all the time which doesn't help either.
I'd like to tell you it gets better but it doesn't, it only changes.

You could try ADs. The 'fake it till you feel it' approach doesn't work with me. I'm not good at 'living a lie'. Do you have SAH friends in a similar situation with small kids that you can spend time with?
All my friends work and are at home with the kids in the afternoon when it's too late in the day and too far for me to visit with mine.
It stinks, I feel for you.

GossipMonger · 03/02/2009 09:08

So, make a life for yourself rather than being bored at home doing nothing.

Make yourself get up and showered and dressed (I say that as I am in PJs and know that if I dont move myself soon then I will be here all day!) and achieve something.

Meet friends at toddler groups

Go out for lunch somewhere

Go to the library

Go swimming

Walk round the park

Find your local MNet site and meet some MNetters.

Is he home at weekends? Could you get a babysitter and go for a meal? could you get a job at weekends? What was your career before you had kids? Which area do you live in?

mumoverseas · 03/02/2009 09:38

The question is, how would you feel if you didn't get a card FROM him?

Its obvious you feel a lot of resentment about your career so you need to talk to him as surely you know that men are not pyshcic (sp?) mindreaders. For years I thought my DH was supposed to understand what/how I was feeling but they just don't.

Don't use being stuck at home with children stop you. I've been home for 3 years as cannot work in my previous career where I am currently living so I've done several home study/correspondance courses to stop me going insance.

Talk to him, go out for a meal and get out yourself when you can. Good luck

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