Want another pregnancy after loss ASAP, dh wants to wait.

[lilacpink]

For background, we have an almost 3yr old dd, and lost a pregnancy mid October (for complications following this, we cannot try until April). I want to try in April, dh says he wants bigger gap.
I find something he says contradictory and would appreciate advice. He says if I was 5.5 mths now we would be getting on with it, all would be ok. Then he also says if we plan he would prefer bigger gap. To me we are delaying the baby stage and will have two dcs who have different needs (i.e. he prefered dd when she reached around 18 mths), so why delay this part? I feel the pain of loss continually and will have to change a lot of my non-working day activities soon as feel too much pain: basically all my friends either have, or about to, or planning number 2, the groups I go to are full of 2dcs families. To hear and see dcs relate together is heart-breaking. My dd is affectionate and loves her friends, but has already been asking if I have a baby in my tummy, talking about liking a brother and/or sister! I really wish we hadn't lost our baby, as then we would be having one, now I know it's at least a year (to incl. the 9mths), but dh says even longer and won't put a scale on it. We've left it that we will will try in April as I've basically said I'll leave him if not. He had said we could try this month (before we knew about complications), so I don't think I'm being unfair to say April, but on the other hand I just wonder whether I should call it a day! If he is so unsure on having another. I'm 100 per cent wanting another, felt like this for 2 yrs and didn't waiver through loss. Dh has begged me not to leave, but I think deep down he just wants me to go off the idea, while I'm feeling more positively that I want another one by the month!
BTW I love my dh, but equally want another dc, and the reason I want another relates to three things, we as a couple have a lovely dd and lots to offer another dc - loads of family support - I enjoy helping my dd develop and feel v. positively that I'm a good mum, finally my dd is lovely and v. interested in having a sibling.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss.

I don't really know what to say but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

I don't think men every want another child the way a woman does. My dh certainly never had the longing for another child, though he longed for our first probably more than me.

I had a miscarriage in December(pregnancy unplanned, due to failed vasectomy). AFter the miscarriage I would dearly have loved for another baby, dh didn't want another one and still doesn't.

I posted on this site about the dilema of me desperately wanting a baby now and dh absolutely against the idea. I got some lovely replies which really helped me come to terms with it all.

In the end I decided I didn't want another baby with him when he so clearly didn't want another one with me. It is so obviously not an area where anyone can compromise. One just has to back down and that one was me. I did resent the fact that I had to back down but as I have said, realised there was no point forcing another life on him.

Yours is a different situation as he obviously agreed to the baby in the first place. I would ask him what has changed. Why does he now want a bigger age gap? Have you spoken to him about your feelings? I think the fact that you have to wait 6 months after your miscarriage to try again, must be adding even more to your distress. You should certainly speak to dh. I know the longing for my second child was far worse than any need or want for my first child.

I hope you an dh can resolve this situation.

I am sure you will get much better advice than this as I said, I just didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

reading this made me instinctively think perhaps DP sees the pain your going through and if he thinks there may be pottenital risk of another MC due to complcations, in his mind he might think it safer to wait a little longer for your body to recover.

Its really sad your going through this, but dont over analyse it, enjoy your DC and relax

(very easy for me to say, and I sound terrible patronising, sorry)

Lilac - I absolutely feel your pain, I have been exactly where you are, more than once!

This may be controversial to some but here are my thoughts anyway. Nothing will do until you are trying again, nothing. However unhealthy it was all I could think about for weeks/months at a time was TTC. I managed to hide it or at least stop discussing it but it tore me up inside. I sobbed every time my period started. Loads of people told me to relax and enjoy what I have, frankly it was meaningless, all I could see was the need to get pg again. (They were very unhealthy times for me!)

Your DH has agreed to or wants another baby in principle but is displaying the classic symptoms of cold feet. Maybe he sees your pain, maybe he got a wake up call and genuinely wants to wait and enjoy being three before plunging into babyhood again. Either way you have agreement in principle so its a timing issue. IMO April is a reasonable time to start trying if medically thats OK and my advice would be to get on with it. Don't overanalyse DH, don't talk at him endlessly and try and make him 'happy' about it or persuade him its the right thing. Just accept that he's agreed in principle to start trying in April and get on with it. IMO men rarely 'want' kids the same way women do. It isn't a hormone driven thing for them.

There are some great support threads in the mc topic. I've had loads of mcs but rarely venture there any more as I have my 2 dss and find it unhealthy for me to dwell on my losses too much. Having said that, I'd still like one more, DH won't but this time I'm wistful rather than desperate.

Hi THANX for all your points-of-view, I've followed up below.

Colie, I didn't really explain the full picture here: my dh and I didn't plan the pregnancy, but we both knew it could happen. He knew I thought I was pregnant last April, and that I was sad not to be (I'd taken antibiotics while on the pill, and we hadn't used other precautions, I felt naseous a month later in April). I came off the pill then and said I couldn't take it knowing I wanted us to have another baby (I also have bad side-effects with combined or mini pill, such as migraine and irregular bleeding). I went onto the pill as my dh doesn't like to use condoms (prefers withdrawel), which infuriates me as I stopped us having a second baby sooner (as knew too small a gap would put pressure on us), now if we stay together we're likely to have one anyhow, he says if I was pregnant it would be ok, but then he won't actually say we're trying! (Sorry for rant there). In all other ways he is an intelligent, caring man, but on this issue I'm sure that family history has warped his brain and he can't ever say we're trying for a baby (or face any talk of babies)! BTW this happened with dd and my second pregnancy, we took chances, few months later I was pregnant, he was stressed, but got over it. With dd my dh fell in love with her between 7wks and 6 mths and was more relaxed with her from around 18 mths. I would consider sterilization after having a second one (i.e. I'm happy to agree only 2, and may get sterilized to try to help relationship).
The reason I'm talking about ending the relationship is due to the pain I feel, that he in no way has helped me with. The ERPC was the worst day of my life, and complications make me feel like I've really failed in something that should happen naturally. I spent weeks trying to hold in it at recently, to feel so sad one night I couldn't stop crying all night, after several hours he came up to the bathroom and said to me "oh, well if we're not watching a film, I'll go and play on the computer then!" We've talked since, I'm about 60% we'll make it through this, but it has dipped v. low in the recent months. We have felt differently (sometimes complete opposite ends, sometimes he says yes) about expanding our family for around a year now.

Onlywantsome, unfortunately it isn't my dh being considerate here. You're not being patronising, I know in my head you're absolutely right and I should relax as can't do anything now, but my heart cannot. My dd smiling help mends it every day, but then I wonder if s/he would have been as lovely as her.

Pheebe, you're right nothing will do, I want to TTC properly, really go for it. Every period I have is awful, and (I may sound mad here), but before the pregnancy and complications I hoped that I was pregnant with twins and the bleeding was me loosing one. I'm so desperate for one and also to be right into pregnancy: I didn't know I was pregnant the second time around, I still had small bleeds (linked to complication I now have). When I found out I was, and it was around 2 mths, I was overjoyed. I wish this would happen now all the time (i.e. that I'm told I'm at least 2 mths), even now when it can't happen as we have to be careful (again, me having to be careful and remind dh of this!). You're right that I have an agreement in principle, I think I should grab onto this and try to be positive, accept that my dh will never be one of those men who run around shouting overjoyed at the prospect of having a child, and instead will just look terrified for quite awhile, until it sinks in!

bless you.

I lost a baby and totally blanked it out, threw myself into work and didnt speak about it. Lived life to the fullest.

6 years later I had my gorgeous ds. I too yearn for another child but Im now over 40 and dont feel I have the engergy to go for nO. 2 however Im guttered with myself for leaving it, blocking it out and pretending it didnt happen. I totally regret not trying soon after and waiting so long because I would of had 2 gorgeous kids now.

Please try and work something out with your hub

Lilac

I had a m/c in August 2007 - a blighted ovum which was a very much wanted pregnancy. Once I lost that pregnancy, I was advised I could try again straight away as it was a complete and natural m/c.
I went straight into TTC again and every period afterwatds was hell - my DH had to endure me in floods of tears every month, me over-analysing what we were doing wrong and how we could imprive our chances. In that time he made it very clear that if we g

Lilac

I had a m/c in August 2007 - a blighted ovum which was a very much wanted pregnancy. Once I lost that pregnancy, I was advised I could try again straight away as it was a complete and natural m/c.
I went straight into TTC again and every period afterwatds was hell - my DH had to endure me in floods of tears every month, me over-analysing what we were doing wrong and how we could imprive our chances. In that time he made it very clear that if we g

Lilac

I had a m/c in August 2007 - a blighted ovum which was a very much wanted pregnancy. Once I lost that pregnancy, I was advised I could try again straight away as it was a complete and natural m/c.
I went straight into TTC again and every period afterwatds was hell - my DH had to endure me in floods of tears every month, me over-analysing what we were doing wrong and how we could imprive our chances. In that time he made it very clear that if we g

Lilac I lost a baby, many years ago now. And I threw myself into getting pregnant again rather than deal with how I was actually feeling. Sadly 6 months into trying it became clear that I was not ovulating and so began fertility investigations. Everything got worse and worse and I just wanted to be pregnant.

Finally, a year after my miscarriage I had a moment of clarity. I could suddenly see that although I did want to be pregnant again, I was doing it because I wanted to bring the baby I lost back from the dead.

I didn't want "a" baby, I wanted "my" baby. Which was the one thing I couldn't have she was gone.

I had cried for her, but not grieved properly. It was only after I realised what I was doing that I began to grieve and say goodbye. I stopped trying to conceive and the weight lifted was enormous. 6 months later ds2 was conceived naturally. And although I was thrilled to be pregnant (and terrified) I knew that it was different and I had said goodbye to the baby I lost.

This may be completely different from you - there is no right way to do any of this, it's all personal. In some ways I wish dh had realised and said no to me, but we both believed everything would be fixed once I got preg - which it wouldn't have been, it would just have been pushed to one side.

Have you taken time for yourself in all this? April is a little while away, so there's plenty of time to talk without making decisions. It's so hard, and I hope you get through this ok.

sorry - pressed send by accident and then lost my connection altogether

...DH made it clear that if we got pg again and all was well, it would be our last. He told me that he couldn't go through the whole thing again - the trying, the disappointment every month, the upset and then getting pregnant and losing it and then my obsession with the whole thing again. He got stressed about the whole thing. When I did get pregnant again and started bleeding again, he was expecting the worst. I have bled all three pregnancies including my one with dd almost 4. Happily my third pregnancy resulted in dd2.

He has given you April - take it. He may be scared of the same thing happening again or just wants to put of trying because the pressure to get pregnant again will be too great. And while the pain is hard to deal with, you have to put it aside as you will make yourself sick with the anxiety that goes hand in hand with the journey of getting/being pregnant. I really struggled with the fact that I had no control over any of it - once I acepted that fact, I was able to relax a bit more.

Hi All, just wanted to feedback to say thanx for all the advice.
Ilovecurry - thanks for the encouragement. I have a friend who recently had her second at 41, but her first was still only 2 yrs old, so it wasn't a case of starting the baby bit again with a gap. TBH I would like to get the baby bit done in mid 30s though, if all goes ok. If not, I think I would try later, allbeit wary of risks, but then I'm biased as I have seen a friend have children later and it work out well for her (she was used to a class full of little ones so I think that helps). I hope you are ok, whether you do try again or not.
princess - I'm glad it worked out for you with dd2. If I'm preg quickly again, there would be an almost 4yr gap between our dcs too. def going to take my dh up on the April plans!
Youknow when it really hits - the pain of loss- Im absolutely desperate to replace the lost baby (I secretly have named 'him' and even have an image of him as a child - my way of grieving I guess), but at other times I feel like I'm seeing an end to it, sometimes I'm physically carrying a 'non-bump' (with all the changes that would/should have happened, conversations that didn't happen, things to look forward to), other times I'm just me, wife and mum of one.

For the past few days my dh and I haven't talked about pregnancy (well not directly related to us, only friends), and it has taken the pressure off to a degree. I've actually started to try to think of some reasons why getting pregnant before April wouldn't be good - beyond the obvious medical advice not to - (e.g.the due date before now and April would be just before or on Christmas, and would be hard on my dd and also for my maternity leave). May sound shallow, but makes me feel more relaxed for April, i.e. I'm in control. Then if nothing happens for awhile after April, I'm going to try to think of more positives, but think I'll struggle again from that point on! I've calculated I've just passed my cycle this month, only have 1 to pass and hoping we'll get lucky end of April (I'm fine to try end of month). I'm clinging to the fact that the last thing my dh said was that talking isn't helping and that he needed to 'get his head around it'. Just hope he continues the same way in April. Relise now he'll probably have doubts until we have another and it's a few months old! But ready to accept this now (only really hard when the feelings of loss hit!).

Hiya Lilac

Maybe he is just afraid to make the concious decision to get pregnant (you said the others wern't exactly planned) Sometimes its easier to deal with something unplanned rather than have to make a positive decision. Is he himself afraid of loosing another pregnancy or the implications for you ?? We sometimes tend to forget th anguish men go through as most attention is focused on the woman

In my case I lost 3 pg's before I had my eldest DS, including one baby who was born at 27 weeks and didnt make it. I had pre-eclampsia with DS1 and this did frighten DH to the extent he didnt want to risk another pg, he didnt tell me this just stalled each time I bought up the subject of trying for another baby. I did accidentaly get pg, as in we were not either trying or preventing a pg. I cant say DH was unhappy just non-commital about it. When I m/c you could see he was.. well not relieved but like a stress had been taken away. After another m/c I too decided to call it a day

In all my quest for naother baby I did shut out my DH's feelings, I'm not saying you are but maybe there is something he isnt telling you. Maybe he is afraid or hasnt grieved properly.

Sorry if this doesnt help or answer your problem

Hi oldraver I do notice I sometimes focus on the baby we lost as if it were mine, but with dd he wasn't particularly keen on pregnancy and did only bond with her when she was out and growing up.So in a way I've shut him out because I don't think he does feel the pain in the same way, but you've got me thinking, I may have closed down on my emotions a bit too much. I'm wary of taking about feelings surrounding loss at the moment as I fall to pieces, but my dh says he can't help, but is sorry for me. I know that his lack of talking/planning could well be based on fear, but he just won't open up. I could talk about other emotions more though, in a bid to be positive and start more communication. I'll give it a go

Hi Lilac how you feeling?

Ive just caught up on all the replies and you said something in one of your posts that really made me smile.........I also secretly named "him" and very often think how he would look and think about his age....It makes me feel very, very sad even now typing this but it also gives me a bit of karma. (BTW - I never knew whether it was a dd or ds but my instinct and gut feel told me it was a ds)

Hi Ilovecurry, glad I'm not the only one to find some comfort from choosing what my dc,'he', could have been.
I have ups and downs, ups is continuing to talk with dh, and feeling like we can try again in April (results so far from tests have been ok), and down as I keep meeting women (through toddler groups/friends of friends/work colleagues) who are having second/third/forth child with no problems. They seem so complacent about it, but then I don't know if they've had problems that weren't evident, and unfortunately I'm seeing through green eyes . When faced with pregnancy/babies, I've just found an excuse to move away and/or left. I feel this could be perceived as me being rude, but it's self-preservation! I think if (crossed fingers really hard) I have another pregnancy, I will be scared all the way through, as I know how hard this is. I really feel for those who have gone though this several times (or had bad tests results and treatment).
So to go back to your question, on the whole positive, but scared to be too positive, and sadly v of others who have several pregancies without problems. I wish I didn't have this feeling, I don't wish anyone else badly, but I wish, wish, wish I were in their situation, that the loss didn't happen to me. Guess that's the same with any loss. Hope you're ok too.