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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Try for a baby or give up now??

3 replies

keepingHidden · 02/02/2009 14:50

I'd like some honest opinions on my situation please....
DH and I are about 7 yrs together and married for the last few. Plan always was to have 2 more children together as I have a dc from before but the age gap is large, and I didn't want dc#2 being stuck on their own once dc#1 leaves home.
We're supposed to be ttc again now as we had a loss at the end of last year.
Thing is we're not getting on the best.

So should I be thinking again about ttc #3 even though I desperately don't want dc#2 to be left as an only child from around the age of 7? I do think if we didn't have another then that would spell the end for us as we'd basically not be having one as we're not stable enough. That would be enough for me to not want my current dc's to live in that environment as am sure resentment would grow on both sides.

Or do we go ahead, hope that things pick up but with me knowing that there's a chance that I might end up bringing them up alone? Something I did with dc#1 for a long time so not something that scares me, but given the stresses a new baby brings, not the ideal place to start from.

Would just like to canvas thoughts out there to see what people would do given a similar scenario.

OP posts:

rookiemater · 02/02/2009 14:56

I'm sorry for your loss.

The end of last year wasn't so long ago and perhaps you need to give yourself time to get over that before you make any major decisions.

If you are concerned about your marriage it should be your priority to sort that out before you think about conceiving again. As I'm sure you are aware babies, whilst lovely, tend to bring out all the underlying issues in even the strongest relationship, and if you are having doubts at the moment,then thats not a good place to be.

kittywise · 02/02/2009 14:57

keepinghidden, a baby is never a way to salvage a relationship. The strains it brings test the strongest of couples.

I can't talk though as I've stayed with a man I don't particularly like as I wanted children more.

I'm sure you'd do a fine job bringing up the kids on your own. no it's not ideal.

You need to work out what you want the most though.

Buckets · 02/02/2009 15:02

((Hugs)) I think you must be having a hard time because I don't think you're thinking straight. To be seriously considering having another child when you are fairly sure you'll soon be single seems a bit extreme and the worry about age gaps sounds like you're distracting yourself from the marriage issue. There's also a humongous difference between being a single mum to 1 and a single mum to 3 kids.

Re age gaps etc there's nothing wrong with being an only child anyway, your DC1 was fine I'm sure. What about when DC#2 moves away, DC#3 would be on his own too. As a mum of 3 I can tell you that the guilt about not giving enough attention just gets bigger.

A few sessions with Relate would be a lot cheaper for both of you than raising a child separately. Have you talked about TTC lately with your DH? Would be a good icebreaker for a proper dialogue about your relationship problems.

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