I don't know if I have PND or my relationship is dying, please help.

[CherryChoc]

Sorry, this might be long, and I'm having trouble getting it started so it may be a bit garbled as well.

Basically my DP is fed up because he works long hours and comes home and I have done no housework, we have got a 4 month old DS but he's not hugely demanding (judging by my NCT friends who are all dealing with very broken nights and/or babies who won't sleep during the day) so he just sees that he is doing all the work and I am doing nothing.

I'm feeling really rubbish about this too because I have to agree that I could do more around the house - I tried to get myself organised and set myself one job each day to do but I just don't seem to be able to make myself do it. I come online as I am feeding DS or something and then get hooked and suddenly the whole day is gone and I haven't done anything again. And I feel guilty as my big plan was to be some kind of domestic goddess with DS in the sling constantly so that he could oberve my daily activity, but I found I couldn't do much with him in the sling or he got too heavy or he needed changing and because I sat down I realised I was tired and decided to have a rest and got stuck online again and he would spend the rest of the day on a blanket on the floor or in his bouncer.

I find it a struggle to do simple things like brush my teeth or have a shower. DP notices this as well and makes comments about how I am dirty or I smell etc which I presume is supposed to motivate me to change but it doesn't, it just makes me feel stupid for not being able to make myself do simple tasks. I had managed to get this under control a bit more after being upset by the state of my own teeth and was brushing my teeth at least every night and at least washing under my arms every morning but I seem to have slipped again.

This is what made me realise my self respect must be really low if I am not looking after myself, and then I wonder why DP doesn't show me any respect, but then I wonder whether his lack of respect for me has led to a lack of respect for myself, it is a bit chicken and egg tbh - and I have this nagging feeling I really shouldn't be in a relationship where the other person doesn't have any respect for me, but the thought of leaving is something I really really don't want to do either - we worked well together once and he did have respect for me then.

Another thing is that DP has a very high sex drive and I am really not remotely interested in sex at the moment. Have tried to tell him this is a normal thing after a baby but he is convinced I am starving him and that he shouldn't have to relieve himself as he's got me to do it for him. Every time he comes near me or talks to me it feels like he's trying to get sex and I find it really exhausting - I just want intimacy without the sex, then I might even be interested but at the moment being constantly groped etc is a total turn off. We got a digital photo frame for Christmas so have put some older photos on there and he commented on one the other day saying I looked sexy in it and I didn't look at him that way any more and he sounded sad.

I know that he thinks the world of me and would be devestated if he thought I wanted to leave and I really want us to get back to where we were before but it is very difficult to talk to him. He has very minor learning difficulties, diagnosed at school as dyslexia but I think it goes further than that as he mixes up words and meanings and it is difficult to know whether he has understood something because he often has a totally different understanding to what you meant.

This seems really rambly and I'm not really finished but I think I will leave it for now and see if anyone has anything to say. Sometimes I just want to take DS and go and live in a cave or something!

my DP says i smell and at times i do dont be offended at least he is telling u rather than getting dirty looks out on the street and people talking behind ur back. ur body has changed and if this is ur first child it is traumatic and ur life is not ur own anymore u need to come to terms with that, things will be easier u will get into a routine. It is common to suffer postnatal deppresion after ur first child are u bonding well with ur baby. Talk to ur partner tell him how u feel leave leaflets around about post natal depression. Give ur partner a chance it is an emotional time for u when a new baby arrives cry to him if u have to but dont bottle it up its ok to show emotion, i emagine he loves u and u sound like u got on befor the baby came along.

sorry imagine my spelling is terrible

You do sound as though you may be a bit depressed, but your DH is certainly not helping by constantly nagging you to do housework and service him sexually. What's he doing to help you? Does he ever take over looking after DS so you can have a nice bath or a sleep or a walk round the shops? Even if he is in full time paid employment, DS is his DS, so he should be involved in the childcare.
What was your relationship like before you had DS? You say it 'worked' but did that depend on you servicing your DP and putting his needs before yours?

Hi solidgold, no he doesn't help with DS really, his thinking behind this is that he works all day and he shouldn't have to work when he gets home as well since I seem to just relax all day, I can't argue against that even though I know I should. He said he would get more involved with DS if he didn't have to do all the housework (he doesn't, it just doesn't get done)

He does cook and he does clean but when he cleans he moans about it - and then of course he provides for the family which is what he always brings out in arguments.

We were just a lot happier before - I think he felt I was contributing to the relationship because I was working. It is all very practical with him - practical and physical needs are all that seem to factor in his idea of who is contributing to the relationship. I think maybe it was on his terms before, but I didn't mind, (or didn't notice?) because we had similar wishes and roles.

negril I am bonding well with my baby, he is brilliant, sometimes I want to stay in bed all day with him!

I have made a plan for the house stuff and have decided I am doing it for ME as it's getting me down living in a mess all the time too.

Here's my take on this.

a) Newborn under 6 months and the housework isn't done + no sex = tough.

b) Baby over 6 months = any housework done should be treated as the most gracious favour by you for him, ditto sex.

c) He works a job, you work as a mother. Don't let him tell you you're not working, the unpaid labour of women in the home supports the higher paid and higher status work of men in this world. You have the shitty end of the stick in this situation, not him.

d) "he is convinced I am starving him and that he shouldn't have to relieve himself as he's got me to do it for him."

You're not a sex doll and sex should not be something you are co-erced or obliged to do to or for him. Sex is meant to be an expression of love/lust between two people, he has NO RIGHT to talk to you that way about how you gift him with such expressions.

e) Ultimately, if the problem seems to be only in your partner's eyes then, no it 'aint PND. If you are really concerned that it is then talk it over with the doc or a PND helpline.

I think you are either depressed or have gotten yourself into a really bad routine.

I think this is less about him saying what he is - which i have to say i pretty much agree with and more about you not doing anything all day.

A four month old naps - have one time when u nap with him and the other time do something.

aim to be dressed before lunchtime and just start doing one household task per day and add to it.

i know having a baby isnt easy etc but you have to start sosmeewhere and working on getting yourself sorted (washed and dressed at least) would be a start.

personal hygeine is a basic requirement surely??

IMHO

YOu need, for your own sanity, to look after your personal hygiene and make your surroundings livable.

But livable by your standards doesn't have to be livable by your husband's.

For me, bog standard personal hygiene is a wash of face, hands, pits, tits n bits, a tooth brushing and a hair brushing. Morning and night. This should be the lowest standard you are aiming for, anything less is unpleasant to be around, and I would not want to share a bed with you.

The house - try to wash up, wipe the sides down and do some washing and bleach the toilet every day, and change the bedding once a week.

If you were my partner and I was working long hours to support you with one 4 month old baby, I would expect all the above (unless particularly difficult day with the baby)

The sex demands you get from him are not acceptable. Tell him to have a wank.

I know this is going against the grain the general "SAHMS are saints" feeling, but I do think this is very very basic self care, and if you are not managing to do this there is something wrong with either your motivation or your organisation

MN & TV when you're a bit depressed (or very depressed) are very very addictive. I would try to not turn them on!

Put some happy music on and give yourself small targets - have a shower & clean teeth, ensure the evening meal is made. Try and tidy the house if you have time.

I would go speak to your HV to establish if you are depressed - PND is very common.

Regarding the sex he's being unreasonable because if he's having a go at you the last thing you feel like doing is being intimate with him!

Coldtits I agree with you about the basics, I think why I feel guilty about everything. I tried to ask him what he did expect but he seemed to want it all and I know I can't go from this to domestic goddess in one day.

In fact I will go to bed now so that I wake up in the morning with time to do the things I need to do before seeing my NCT friends.

I totally agree with DwayneDibbley i felt like that as well, its about understanding how you feel and telling your husband. chldren do grow up evenually and you have to find a common ground with your husband as childrens needs will change and will become more chalenging good luck for the future.

CherryChoc*

it took me ages to hit my stride with DS when he was still pretty new.

Sometimes his needs were so intense : feed, nappy, play, feed, nappy, snooze (halleluyah) ad infinitum oh ffs I could hardly move/dress/eat for the next activity.

Got it down to:

Ablutions conducted with baby in baby seat staring on, little fat arms waving at me.

Housework, baby speeded round house in carrycot while I gathered up corner fluffballs with bare hands (hoover made him shout).

Lunch preparation, sorry fingers in ears, tra la la, shouting baby had to wait.

Sex, oh really? Must I?

All par for the course, of course. It'll get better, really.

Hi Cherrychoc, We're on the same postnatal thread

Ds is 4 months too and I've found it harder to get things done around the house as he's got older as he naps much less now, and if I put him in the sling, I can't bend over any more to do things like put the washing on, as he's just too big. Aiming to get one thing done each day is good advice, I think.

Is there a Sure Start centre near you? I have discovered one near me that offers loads of (free) activities like baby massage etc. I know how easy it is to fritter the day away on the internet or whatever if you don't have any structure to your day. I find it forces me to get washed and dressed and then I'm more motivated generally. Plus I've met some other lovely mums to do things with. On days I don't have anything planned, I can find it a struggle to achieve anything.

GOod luck!

Can you plan at least one outing a day? It does not have to be much, just taking ds out in the buggy for some fresh air and change of scene. I was quite happy to walk around my neighbourhood with the buggy whilst dd/ds got their nap (they were both terrible sleepers) or reading a book on the park bench rocking the buggy.

That way, you have to get dressed, get ds dressed, and have something to look foward to. Plus the hours don't drag on so long and you have to plan around naps which gives some structure to your life.

I do think you might be depressed. Would it be worthwhile to see your GP about it? It make sense to see to yourself first.