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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cybersex - is it infidelity?

14 replies

mrsnice · 01/02/2009 22:29

I have recently discovered that my DH spends time on an adult S&M type website. I checked his history and discovered his username by accident. I now know that he MSNs various women during the daytime when he is working from home.

Now, the thing is, he has a history of infidelity. I found a condom packet on the floor of our home when I came back from working away, before we had even got married - nearly 15 years ago. Naively, I believed his story then but since that time there have been text messages, emails and other things like the condom packet. Monitoring his text messages was awful and I felt continuously sick and I was glad when he got a Blackberry that I couldn't access.

Writing this down makes me realise how incredibly weak I have been but I have consciously stayed with him because we have 4 children and they love him - and I love him. I believe he loves me and he certainly adores the children. I confronted him once by phone about a particular email he sent but since then we kind of dance around it, acknowledging that it has happened but never really voicing it. He was contrite that time on the phone but I find it really really hard to trust him. He works away from home most of the week so it is easy just to get on with things - and I have a lovely life - and not think about it. Why not? Probably because I don't want to leave him, can't see how it could turn out well.

When I found out that he is in chat rooms exchanging fantasies with strangers, I felt torn. On the one hand here he goes again but on the other, it's virtual sex, isn't it? Is it worse than looking at pornography? It does feel it. Is he doing this instead of or as well as extra marital sex? I don't want to ask him about it yet as I want to keep an eye on it - or maybe I am just being a coward again!

So, is he being unfaithful again or not?? And should I do anything about it??

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 01/02/2009 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KingCanuteIAm · 01/02/2009 22:47

Cybersex, IMYO is being unfaithful but that is becuase of my boundaries and limitations, ones that I would make very clear in a realtionship.

I do feel that being faithful is less about actual shagging and more about staying within your partners comfort zone. If you are not happy with this and he is aware that it will make you unhappy then he IS being unfaithful.

I am not sure if you can say that the fact he does this points to the fact that he also has RL sex with others. It is not easy to say but the other stuff you have listed makes me think he either is now or has been in the past.

First of all you need to be sure that he knows (ie can't deny it KNOWS beyond all doubt) that you are not happy with it and you consider it being unfaithful. Then you need to decide just how bad this is in terms of your relationship. Is it enough to end things or is it that you would rather he kept it hidden better so you don't have to face it?

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/02/2009 22:50

yes he is being unfaithful

he has the urges and sure if could meet up,he would shag

sorry to be blunt

he doesnt have a good track record

porngraphy you do on your own or with partner

cyber sex is with a stranger and NOT YOU

if the intention is there( and it is) then who knows what will happen in the future

Original poster
mrsnice · 01/02/2009 22:52

Yes, you are right, I do know it really. Not something I have ever talked to anyone about but seeing you write it down...

I think a bit of both is true - my children are happy and lovely and I don't want to jeopardise that. But if I had concrete evidence, I have always said to myself that I would leave him.

OP posts:
DeeBlindMice · 02/02/2009 07:27

sounds like you've been explaining away concrete evidence for years

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2009 07:36

mrsnice

I think he has and continues to remain unfaithful to you. He broke his marriage vows a long time ago. As your name suggests you are nice but you have enabled him to continue his infidelities by staying with him. This elephant in the room is not going to go away, you have to address this.

He now has a blackberry that you cannot access - you can receive and send e-mails on that y'know.

Staying only for the sake of the children or a maintenance of lifestyle is often a bad idea - it skews their ideas about what is and is not acceptable behaviour in relationships. It also puts your sense of self worth and esteem through the floor. Children learn about relationships primarily from their parents - what are you both teaching them here?. He could still have a relationship with your children even though you two would be apart. Also you're worth far more than this half life.

Original poster
mrsnice · 02/02/2009 11:25

Thanks Attila. It has been the elephant in the room all these years. I keep hoping it will go away but it keeps coming back again - and will continue to do so I guess. I think I need to find someone to talk to and decide what to do next. Time to be strong for once.

OP posts:
onlywantsone · 02/02/2009 11:28

"I felt torn"

If it makes you feel like this - then he is behaving innapropriately.

HolyGuacamole · 02/02/2009 11:37

Yep, I'd agree with what everyone's said so far. Sounds like you are scared to open this can of worms and I don't think you can resolve this until you find a way of confronting him about it. I'm unsure of how honest he will be with you and if it were me, I'd gather the proof to back myself up. I'd try and find out the extent that this behaviour goes to, has he actually met someone etc? I wouldn't want to leave myself open to being lied to or palmed off with a sanitised version of events.

gooddadbadhusband · 02/02/2009 17:00

Interesting that you have accepted this for 15 years, but now feel different. What changed?

Original poster
mrsnice · 02/02/2009 19:48

I'm 40 this year which is actually more of an issue than I thought it would be. Last time I confronted him was two years ago and yes, I was fobbed off and just like before I believed him and was happy to do so. To find out that I am just being blind to this and he is still needing someone who isn't me is awful. Maybe it's taken me this long to realise he really won't change. I don't know. Don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 02/02/2009 22:02

Is there anyone in RL you can confide in?

Maybe you need to make some kind of plan of action? This is not an easy situation for you and that is down to how your DH is acting. You deserve better than this and I think you maybe need some motivation to enable you to see that no matter what the outcome of this is, you will be ok. Dealing with this issue could in fact be the best thing you ever do, think of it that way.

The short term is the difficult thing, finding out exactly the extent of what he is up to and bringing up the subject with him in a way that does not allow him to give you any bullshit. If you want to resolve this, then it is a process you cannot avoid. You are probably stronger than you realise. I think turning some of your sadness into a bit of anger would not go wrong TBH.

I'd definitely get as much proof as possible first though. For me, that would be step number one.

lessonlearned · 02/02/2009 22:22

I agree with HG, anger is a great tool but a poor weapon. Get in touch with your anger and use it as a motivating force to make your life better.

100yearsofsolitude · 02/02/2009 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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