New relationship with my previous toxic dad (long <sigh>)

[BuckBuckMcFate]

Already know that this is going to be a massive post so apologies in advance.

I have had an on/off relationship with my Dad for the past 17 years.

My parents split up when I was 14 and it turned into a nasty divorce. My dad met his new partner, she said she wouldn't speak to his family if they continued to speak to my mum. All dad's side cut my mum off and I stopped speaking to them as I couldn't bear what they were doing to our family.

Over the years i have had contact with my dad but he has never apologised for the stuff he has done and has always expected me to apologise for stuff I said when I was 15.

TO cut a very long story short, my uncle travelled 300 miles last summer on the off chance of finding me and my brother.

It was the 1st time I had seen him for 15 years. He said that my Grandma is getting old and time to put the past behind us. We agreed and it was amazing to see him.

We had to pretend then that he hadn't been in contact so that he could make the suggestion to my Dad about finding us again, which my Dad agreed to, and then me, DP, my DC and my brother and his partner travelled 300 miles to meet them all again.

I can honestly say my Dad is a different person to who he was when I had so many problems with him. He has 3 DC with my stepmum who are all around the same age as my DC. He is now being the Dad to them that I always wanted and never had when I was growing up.

All the effort has been on his part to sty in touch. He has come down during half term to stay in hotel to see us.

My stepmum has had big change of attitude, my DC can call him Granddad, whereas in the past I couldn't call him Dad as it would confuse her children.

So why am I not returning his calls? Why am I sabotaging the chance at hving a reltionship with him again?

Please excuse rmbly post (and lack of a's [dodgy keyboard])

Already know that this is going to be a massive post so apologies in advance.

I have had an on/off relationship with my Dad for the past 17 years.

My parents split up when I was 14 and it turned into a nasty divorce. My dad met his new partner, she said she wouldn't speak to his family if they continued to speak to my mum. All dad's side cut my mum off and I stopped speaking to them as I couldn't bear what they were doing to our family.

Over the years i have had contact with my dad but he has never apologised for the stuff he has done and has always expected me to apologise for stuff I said when I was 15.

TO cut a very long story short, my uncle travelled 300 miles last summer on the off chance of finding me and my brother.

It was the 1st time I had seen him for 15 years. He said that my Grandma is getting old and time to put the past behind us. We agreed and it was amazing to see him.

We had to pretend then that he hadn't been in contact so that he could make the suggestion to my Dad about finding us again, which my Dad agreed to, and then me, DP, my DC and my brother and his partner travelled 300 miles to meet them all again.

I can honestly say my Dad is a different person to who he was when I had so many problems with him. He has 3 DC with my stepmum who are all around the same age as my DC. He is now being the Dad to them that I always wanted and never had when I was growing up.

All the effort has been on his part to sty in touch. He has come down during half term to stay in hotel to see us.

My stepmum has had big change of attitude, my DC can call him Granddad, whereas in the past I couldn't call him Dad as it would confuse her children.

So why am I not returning his calls? Why am I sabotaging the chance at hving a reltionship with him again?

Please excuse rmbly post (and lack of a's [dodgy keyboard])

oops

I really don't 'know' him anymore anothermum92.

I think I'm scared to tell him how I feel. It's hard to watch him be this great dad to my sisters that he never was to me and my brother.

I feel bad because I'm (guessing) thinking he must've put his foot down with my step mum and said he has to be allowed relationship with us and now I am resorting to my teenage self in response

You are rightly still angry with him for his past behaviour towards you. He sided with his new wife who wouldn't even allow you to call him "dad". That has to be one of the greatest betrayals anyone could experience. I think it is hardly surprising that you are not leaping at the chance to start a new relationship with him. What if he lets you down again or worse, he lets down your DC?
I think you are wise to tread carefully. Just follow your instincts.

You're hurt. Its understandable. Is there any possiblitiy that you could suggest family councelling?

Ignoring the past and pretending that you really can start over despite the history is like ignoring a massive elephant in the room. Its building this new relationship on very shakey foundations. You dont sound like you yet have closure from the old relationship so that'll get in the way of any new one maybe?

Hmm, personally couyld never build bridges with someone who went off and made a new family, while ignoring his original one.
Unforgivable in my book.

Oh darling, because you haven't had an acknowledgement that what he did was wrong, and you haven't had a free and frank apology.

And until you get some validation of your feelings and what you experienced from this crap excuse of a father, your feelings about conducting a relationship with him are going to be ambiguous at best.

Thank you both for your posts.

I am hurt but I am feeling under so much pressure from my Aunties and Uncles to stay in contact too.

I can understand why they want it all to be in the past now but I hve spent the past 17 years convincing myself that I'm ok and I don't need them and I guess it's hard for me to change that way of thinking

I know I'm burying my head in the sand by not returning calls/texts but I don't know how to explain how I am feeling without sounding like I'm bearing a huge grudge and wanting to stir it all up again

Thank you again for listening, my mum is who I usually turn to but it is difficult as still feel like I'm being disloyal to her

"I don't know how to explain how I am feeling without sounding like I'm bearing a huge grudge and wanting to stir it all up again"

but would stiring it all up again be such a bad thing?. you are perfectly entitled to say that the past DID happen, you are glad to be in touch again but you cannot wipe out history and you need to take things slow.

Is completely dismissing the past really the healthiest way forward for everyone?

This is why I love MN (even new look MN!)

Littlebella's Oh darling has made me howl and Moondog has another no nonsense response

Should I write to him? Whenever I hve seen him my stepmum has been at his side t all times and not had chance to talk just me and him

I think you should sit down and write a letter saying everything you feel. Then don't send it, sit on it for a week then if you still feel the need, sit down and write another one which will be aimed at sending to him and getting him to respond in the way you want.

And actually, think about what you want. Acknowledgement? Apology? Compensation? The lost years back? What is possible, what is not, what's the bottom line you feel you need from your father to be able to pursue a proper relationship with him? Once you've worked that out, you'll know what or whether to write.

Thats a really good idea bella, thank you

I've had a text from him this evening asking me to call.

I think I'll text back to say I'm not feeling able to speak to him right now but there is still a lot I need to say to him and that I'll be in touch.

A lot of what you say rings true for me. I would like him to acknowledge that I was only 15/16 when we fell out and that he was still the grown up.

I would like him to know that it is hard fror me to see him with my sisters, they all adore him and he adores them, when he seemed to give up and my brother and me without a fight

I think I'd worked hard to put that stage of my life behind me and it has brought up a lot of stuff that I thought couldn't hurt me anymore

Thank you all for your replies, I'm off to bed now, hoping for snow and no school tomorrow!