Need to know how to help a friend...

[sosadaboutthis]

... she's one of the strongest, most capable people I know. She separated from her DH for reasons I won't go into, but she really did what she could for him. This week she ended up in hospital because he beat her black and blue. He could have killed her. She knows now she has to stay strong and end all contact, if for no other reason that her poor DD saw it all. But I and other friends know she is such a lovely woman she might just try to forgive and forget. I am sorry if this opens old wounds for some people but need to know how to help her. Any advice?

I hope charges will be pressed, if not by her, by the police!!!

Apparently police released him on bail, condition being he didn't go anywhere near her. I can't understand this, why didn't they just lock him up??

They may still press charges. Encourage your friend to give evidence.

I think she just wants to put it all behind her, but I wish they would put him away. If he comes anywhere near her, they will arrest him. Meantime, he's out on bail. Awful,never thought I'd see anything like it but have seen the bruises and feel sick just thinking about it.

can I ask if he has a mental illness sorry to ask but from the tone of your post it seems he might be

yes, he does, very definitely

So did my ex with exactly the same results unfortuatley

peanutbear, so sorry to hear that. I felt a bit bad asking for advice because I knew there would be people on here who had had the same experience. But not sure where else to turn, I know obviously it is far worse for my friend and her DD, and others like you who have been through it, but shocking for me and her friends too so just wondered if there was any advice for her from people who had been through it? She is feeling very strong at the moment but I know a the end of the day she still loves the guy he was before and I and other friends are petrified that she will let him back in, and he could kill her.

She needs to see a family lawyer and ring Womens Aid for advice....

Whether she will or not is entirely her choice and all you can do is be her friend and stand by her decisions - WHATEVER they are as she's most likely been abused for years and is 1- shit scared of him and 2- under the common belief that she deserved it / started it / brought it on herself. Until she can break that cycle of belief, she won't do anything about it IME

thanks Lewisfan, I think you are spot on in everything you have said there. I feel so bad for her, but at the same time know I'd do nothing different if my DH was in same situation as her DH. But it's awful seeing what he's done to her, yet at same time knowing why she keeps letting him back in. Even worse for the DD. I and other friends feel so useless, we just have to be there for when she needs us but at same time we wish we could do something more constructive.

how to help a friend from Womens Aid may be of help

thanks, will have a good read of that. Ironically, my friend is the very person that other people would turn to in the same situation. She is the last person anyone would expect to be goingthrough this. My heart is breaking for her, thanks for the link.

It's always the good ones they prey on

I think people were shocked to find out I was going through it too, they are more shocked 5 yrs on to find out we are friends I still loved him but I new that my son and I deserved to be free of it, but I thought other people would think I was a bad person leaving him when he was ill, your brain cant get your head around it

my friends were there for me and that meant everything they are still my friends now and I love them dearly I must have driven them mad to be honest because I didnt know which way to turn for the best