How to act with friend who has just had her first baby

[duke748]

Hi ladies.

I don't have any children myself and my very dear friend is due to give birth soon. She is married and this is her 1st. LO will be a much wished for addition to the family.

When my best friend had her DD a few years ago I sent a card a present and rang a few times but we didn't really talk as much as before for a good year or so. I thought it was because she wanted to spend time getting used to all the changes and as a 'family unit', for want of a better phrase.

However, she has recently told me that that period of her life, during the first year or so of her DD's life was one of the most miserable and lonely of her life. I know most of that was about all the changes that were happening, but I feel mortified that I didn't help her more in her time of need.

When she didn't return phone calls etc I assumed that she didn't want to talk to me, but now realise she was probably too bloody knackered to pick up the phone! I love her to pieces and our friendship has evolved over time, so I knew we'd always be friends, and we still are.

So, my question is this.... how do I get the fine line between being there as a friend and being a pain in the bum for this other friend who is about to give birth?

Your other friend may respond differently to motherhood so you can't assume she have the same reaction.

What I would say is that once the first few weeks have passed and everyone has done their visiting and her dh is back to work then you generally feel very lonely unless you have a good support network around you - this is the time when you really appreciate your real friends visiting/phoning etc.

Its also about thinking about when best to call - generally evenings are a no no as your friend will be trying to settle her baby and catch up with her dh. Afternoons are generally good to call/chat.

Suggest to meet for lunch mid week etc when the baby is about 6 weeks old - she'll hopefully feel ready to face the world then.

It's a tough one. I had the same situation with my good friend- she moved away shortly before getting pregnant and then we spoke less and less after her baby had been born. I didn't want to crowd her and so backed off a bit but it turned out she had PND and was basically hiding from everyone, for want of a better word Having had PND myself it really hurt to know I hadn't been able to help. I think, assuming you are close enough to be able to do so, after the first few weeks of madness have passed, maybe ask if you can do a regular meetup, not necessarily at her house as I know I always felt the need to do a massive clear up before anyone came round which was exhausting, but maybe for a coffee somewhere. And just be there for her. I think often the signs are there for PND if you know a person well enough. I became very insecure, a bit afraid of going out, and rather than not really being bothered what I looked like which is how I am normally I got to the point where I wouldn't go out unless I was immaculate. I suppose it was the onlything I felt I could control. Take the pace from your friend. I know my friends felt terrible when they knew how bad I had felt but tbh at the time I couldn't have asked for help though I desperately needed it You sound like a lovely friend.

Very thoughtful of you to plan in advance. Practical help always welcome imo. Food for the freezer, a healthy soup, drop in with cake. If possible offer to watch baby while your friend has a sleep/bath/walk or whatever. Short visits where you make your own tea, do a little housework or generally sit and listen are good. If you can't visit then maybe send a parcel of treats for her rather than baby, texts usually well received as less intrusive if you are busy. Just keep persevering and as others have said, make extra effort a few weeks after the birth when everyone else has gone back to work. And if she is having difficulty adjusting listen without saying 'but you're a fantastic mum' as that just makes you feel like noone knows you anymore.

love your name david

Ah, I am a regular but have done a sneaky namechange. I think this one suits me better

I would have liked friends to understand that it was highly unlikely I could get out of the house or even want to and not to mind just coming round and sitting and chatting. while I got on with stuff. My SIL was like this, she used to come for the entire weekend and did not expect to be looked after. It was great to have someone to hand ds to when I had a shower etc.

Ex H was a knob and not around much. She was a complete life saver tbh.

You sound really nice and sensitive to her needs.

Second some of the great advice here. I was 35 when dd was born. All my friends worked and I didn't know anyone locally with kids. I always remember the HV saying, well I'll get out of your way as there must be loads of visitors due. Er no, just you.

I felt like had become invisible and just turned into a baby caring machine. I guess everyone thought they should stay out of the way. They all came to the hospital before and just after dd was born.

But I would have loved to have more adult conversation. If someone had popped round with say some smellies, a new DVD and some wine I would have cried!

In my case I had an emcs so was a bit tied to the house initially too.

wish i had a friend like you...

absolutely don't phone between 5 and 7:30 / 8. ask her round for coffee or offer to go round there. offer to help with housework. offer to take baby for a walk. offer to go shopping with her or for her. gawd - anything!

i didn't have any of that - all my fellow new mum-friends were getting on with motherhood brilliantly and everything was perfect

I found texts and facebook a really great way of communicating with my friends during the first few tough weeks. You do want to see people but the hardest thing I found was making time for phone calls.
Somebody coming round and making me a cup of tea and then giving DS a cuddle for 15 minutes while I drank my tea hot was the greatest gift ever.
I loved it that my close friends stayed in touch and wanted to come and see DS - you want your real chums rather than new mummy friends at that stage.

Other piece of advice - if she starts to cry randomly, don't be scared and run away or say anything like 'oh it's a bad time shall I come back'. Just stay there, make more tea and pass a tissue - hormones are funny old things ;)

you alright duke748?

"So, my question is this.... how do I get the fine line between being there as a friend and being a pain in the bum for this other friend who is about to give birth?"

Answer: Babysit, do housework, hold the baby while she eats/has a bath/naps/goes to the toilet.

When my first born was 4 months old, my dh was away for 5 weeks. We had just moved to the area and knew no one, my family was in Canada, and my LO would NOT be put down. And he wouldn't sleep. I can remember just sobbing and sobbing.

Then my very good friend drove over an hour to see me. She ran me a bath, and forbade me to get out unless I had been there for at least an hour. She cooked me dinner, and sent me to bed - she slept with the baby so that I wouldn't be so disturbed, and only woke me when he needed feeding.

I still LOVE her for doing that. She rescued me when I felt really really defeated.
SO, you don't need to do all that, but sometimes it is so nice just for someone else to look after things for a bit. Even if its just one or 2 things.
Good Luck

Can I just say that you sound an absolutely stellar friend, and deserve to be cloned?

I second all the above.In fact just turning up with cake and not looking appalled at mess/fatness/wailing of baby/size of friend's bosom etc would be great.I loved people calling round who I knew I didn't have to tidy up for and who made me feel human even when I was really tired and looked a wreck.

I'd have loved it if someone had rung up and said 'hey, fancy lunch ? I'll pop to the deli and pick some stuff up and come round'. I was terribly, terribly lonely - our families lived a good drive away (and none of them came to visit whilst DS and I were in the hospital for a week), my friends were working/heavily pg themselves/lived a good drive away, and I didn't know anyone locally. And everyone at the baby groups were very friendly there, but had loads of family and friends to do things with and weren't interested in just meeting up for a coffee.

I think email and texts are a great way to keep in touch as you don't feel you are intruding, and she can reply at her leisure

I second the email suggestion - when a friend of mine was having chemo she was really very unwell and although she had many friends who cared for her and wanted to help, she didn't have the strength for it. So we emailed, she read them when she felt strong enough, and either replied herself or got one of her family to reply for her.

That way we could keep her in touch with the real world by sending photos, chat etc. and she could keep up in her own time and at her own strength levels, but she never felt alone.

You can then also use email to set up lunches/coffee etc.

Text messages are quite good too so long as your friend has her mobile on silent, there is very little more annoying with a new baby than just having settled them, only for a phone to ring/indicate a text msg has come through! You need to be prepared to wait for a reply in those circs tho.