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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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15 replies

MrsMattie · 01/02/2009 11:55

What do you do when your very good friend (who's kids you are god mum to) is married to a waster? I have bitten my lip for a long time about him, despite the fact that he doesn't work, lives off his wife, smokes weed all day and night long, never looks after his own kids to give his very hardworking wife a break, would smoke weed and drink Guinness and see his 3 kids go without... and is basically an immature, manipulative, lazy toerag. Raaaaaaaargh!

I am so sick of seeing her break her neck to keep their family together while he does nothing. I know it's up to her to make the decision to leave / kick him out. There is nothing I can do about it, is there? But I just feel so upset about it. She came round for dinner the other day and confided to me that she is £10k in debt, including £3k of rent arrears with the council (which is stopping her getting a much needed transfer to a bigger place) She also asked to borrow £20 until payday for food for the kids . She looked utterly humiliated and it is killing me that he stands by and lets things come to this. She knows this can't go on, but she loves him (grrrr) and I think at the back of it, she is scared of being a single mum (although she would probably be better off than she is now in every way, really).

What can I do?

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 01/02/2009 11:56

Sorry - see 'What do you do when your friend marries a waster' thread. forgot to put a title here!

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 01/02/2009 11:57

The best thing you can do is be there for her, and support her when she finally does get rid of the waster (which she hopefully will).

Let her know you're there if she wants to talk, which I'm sure you do.

Overmydeadbody · 01/02/2009 12:00

I used to be married to that waster too

ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 12:00

I know, annoying isn't it when people won't just wake up and smell the coffee.
Don't know what you can do other than just keep listening to her and maybe suggesting some sort of debt counselling with her waster dh.

eNABlemetobebetter · 01/02/2009 12:13

I am sure she knows he is an idiot but love makes you dismiss things. I find the more people tell you to leave a waste of space the more defensive you can get. Be there for her as much as you can and just wait until she gets the strength to do what needs to be done.

MrsMattie · 01/02/2009 12:25

Thanks. This has been my stance for the past 5 years or so - to support her no matter what and just hope that she will see sense one day soon. I have listened to her talking about her debt problems and how hard it is to juggle three kids under five with a full time job etc (although she never moans about the waster, really). I have lent her large sums of money. I have nodded at the right times, made soothing noises etc. I have gently made suggestions as to how he could help out more. I even considered trying to get him some work for my DH, but he is just so unreliable and lazy, I chickened out of that idea.

I would do anything for my friend. She is a lovely, lovely person. Her kids are fabulous, too - just gorgeous, sweet girls - and it upsets me that this is their role model in life for how a man is.

I just feel like I am colluding with her, now. That if I was a really good friend, I would say something more harsh to her about him, maybe to his face, too? I dunno. It's getting harder and harder to stand by and watch it all unfolding

OP posts:
ChiefMangosuthuButhelezi · 01/02/2009 12:30

Well, at some point the bailiffs will be round if she doesn't do something about it. You may find yourself with her and the kids living with you, is that something that's crossed your mind? You are clearly a very good friend, but sounds like she needs some professional guidance as well. Maybe just take her to the citizens advice bureau, don't give her a chance to say no, just take her down there. You're good friends so I think it's ok for you to do something like that iyswim.

MrsMattie · 01/02/2009 12:36

Thanks Chief. She has been back and forth to the CAB many a time. At the moment, they are advising her to consolidate all her debts into one monthly payment and are offering her help with that, but she is in a complete tizz about it. She was considering going to a dodgy loan company to do the debt consolidation thing and borrow more money to pay off her arrears outright. I screeched 'Noooooo!' at that and begged her not to. The last thing she needs is to get tied in to some hideous loan repayment scenario with a bastardly loans company.

I couldn't feasibly have her to stay with us, no. I have just had a new baby and have no room for another adult and 3 kids. Of course I would help her out in an emergency, say, if she left him / got evicted, but it could only be in the short term.

Her mum does have room at her flat if my friend wanted to leave and have somewhere to stay while she figured things out, but really, she should kick him out and stay. The flat is actually in her name. he shouldnt even be staying there, as she got it as a single parent when their first child was born and they were living separately.

Another added complication is that he is not British and his residency in this country is, for the next2 years anyway, dependent on him being 'financially independent' - so either working or relying on someone (ie. her) that works - ie. he cannot claim benefits. i think this is another reason why she won't rock the boat, as she feels guilty and worried that he may be deported if she doesn't continue to support him.

Oh it's such a mess. Honestly!

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 01/02/2009 12:59

Have you thought about maybe talking to him, and letting him know that you know he is a waste of space and needs to get his act together?

Overmydeadbody · 01/02/2009 13:00

although, that might not be the best of suggestions really.

lessonlearned · 01/02/2009 14:21

3 Kids? - sounds like she has 4 to me.
Have you asked her how she ever thought she would be able to support someone in his position and keep him in weed and drink without him seemingly having any plan to contribute?
He will never get off his backside so long as she plays the role of golden goose for him. She is helping him to live a life with no pride or dignity - no wonder he needs drnk and drugs to dull the guilt and shame he ought to feel. Does she get a kick out of playing lady bountiful to a 'pet'? I say pet because she does not see him as an equal partner, so what exactly is his function in this household?
I will probs get flamed for saying this but what are you doing by propping her up when she can clearly not afford to keep her 'pet' in the manner he would like to aspire to?
I do hope she works for her extravagance and does not try to share any basic benefits that are meant for her and DCs.

lessonlearned · 01/02/2009 15:07

Sorry just reread the OP. I'm glad to hear she is hardworking and not supporting him with my taxes but I still think it's money she is taking out of the mouths of her own DCs that she is using to keep him. All the worse to hear he does not support his own kids!
I think you need to be honest with her regarding your discomfort in colluding with her before you end up subsidising this leach too.

MrsMattie · 01/02/2009 18:48

I think you're right@lessonlearned. It has got to the stage where I can't really keep quiet anymore. I have to say something.

Overmydeadbody - me and another good friend have talked about pulling him aside and having a word, but I honestly don't know what good it would do? I have a nagging suspicion that when the weed wears off he is not the laid back, placid (if totally feckless!) type that he seems. He seems to have some sort of hold over her and I wonder if he is capable of being quite nasty, really?

She does work extremely hard, btw. She works a minimum 40 hour week, sometimes including unsociable hours, and she commutes for an hour a day each way.

OP posts:
lessonlearned · 01/02/2009 18:53

MsMattie, unless he's totally unaware of her financial hardship then I already think he's quite nasty....financial abuse is part of a package IMO.

makkapakkamoo · 01/02/2009 21:48

Please be careful about talking to him directly - if it was me you were talking about (and very few rl friends know how bad my p really is) you would be putting me in and my kids in danger by talking to dp. you need her to realise that she is a victim of domestic abuse, as abuse doesn't always include being beaten. check out womensaid . org . uk

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