People visiting after baby is born?!?!

[kite]

Hi,

I have a query about people coming to visit you after your baby arrives - my sister who I was very close to passed away at the end of November from Breast cancer that travelled to her liver, she was only 39yrs old. I am really heartbroken about the whole thing but I take comfort from the fact that she is no longer suffering.

I am due our second baby in April and we are very happy about this - my sister knew I was pregnant and she was so excited, but the last time with my first child my inlaws never let up on the visiting and calling to both the house and hospital it was unreal. Circumstances are a bit different this time due to my sister's death and I would like if they would stand back a small bit to give me a bit of space as I don't know how I am going to be after the birth of this baby not having my sister also my first child still has to be minded and my sister has 2 children who still have to be cared for when I have the baby.

So my question is how did I politely tell them to just give me a little bit of space and time?? The last time after my baby arrived MIL was in the hosp within 30 mins of the birth & she is quite a forceful personality. The next morning she then brought 16 people in with her to see the baby. I can't have it this time I am not strong enough I just want my hubby and my first child and some space to feel sad /but happy if you know what I mean??

Thank you

The hospital part is easy. Tell the hospital you don't want any visitors. They will be your guard dogs.

As for home, I would have your DH talk to her. It is his mother, after all. And say exactly what you said here. That you feel like you need some time to get used to the baby and all the other children together and that they are welcome to visit after a week (or whatever).

firstly, so sorry about your sister. you must be missing her

i think you dh should tell your mil. just say you have too much on your plate what with your sister and the kids. you will see just them after a week, and then after a couple more you'll be happy to see her friends.

I think you need to get your dh on board and he has to be the one to spell it out to them. Maybe allowing PILs to the hospital, but no one else. Then once you get home, you can decide when they can visit.

Sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult at a time like this.

After I had my second dc, i asked the hospital if I could stay in as long as they would let me - in the end five days. This was a help in giving me some time to get back into the routine of having a new baby.

Obv things will be doubly hard for you, but maybe this would help?

Just tell them, straight up, politely but firmly. If you don't communicate the message very clearly, they won't hear it. I dithered with my first child and wasn't assertive enough. I found the visits to hospital after an emcs, then the endless visits once home, extremely wearing. This time I said clearly to people - 'no hospital visits at all' and 'we'll call you when we're ready for visitors'. Most people were actually very respectful of that, no harm was done, and because I wasn't so inundated and didn't feel put upon, I actually felt up to seeing people much more quickly than I'd originally thought I would.

You have suffered a great loss, too. You want to relax and enjoy the birth of your baby and see how you feel (and what feelings might come up - as you know, the period after birth can be a very emotionally raw time). I'm sure people will respect that if you are honest with them.

Good luck! x

You need to explain to your DH just what you have in here and get him to back you up, he shouldbe the one to explain to his mum how you feel. But don;t forget they are just excited at teh birth of their new grandchild - you'd be miffed if they weren't believe me!

Sorry about your sister, it does sound as though you have a lot to deal ith right now, hopefully your inlaws can be reasoned with. Good luck

Thanks for all the messages I will have a chat with DH later on tonight.

I do appreciate that the inlaws would be excited about the baby but as I said they are a very forceful bunch and cannot see beyond their own noses so I know when we say anything to them it is a hassle as she is not an easy woman to deal with at the best of times.

I will ask my DH to approach the issue with her closer to the time & hopefully given the surrounding circumstances she may have a bit of understanding??

Thanks again for replying

I was going to send an e-mail round to all my friends and family stating when we would want visitors as that way no one would feel that I was singleling them out.

and I wish I had send it but I forgot and I had a nightmare with my parents and the inlaws for the first week. In the end I told my mum straight and DH told his parents. Now we have a happy medium but I do wish I had sent that e-mail.

i told all in sundry that the 2nd time round i would not be taking visitors in the mornings as i would be in pj's covered in baby puke, sleeping when baby was sleeping and taking MW visits at that time.

or why not leave a note on the door of the house when your needing space saying you are sleeping and could visitors call back another time or call and arrange when was convienient.or instead of a note have a signal. like a plant you leave at front door. and let everyone know long before baby arrives.

I am a great believer in writing things down. It is a great way to make sure you are saying what you really mean with out getting upset or losing your temper. I suggest writng to your MIL explaining how you feel and why. It saves the face to face confrontation so if MIL wants to pretend it never happened to save face she can. Hopefully she will understand as no doubt she has lost someone and will have a slight understanding of where you are coming from.
A hand written note is always very personal and your MIL will feel you have taken her into your confidence if you see what i mean.

hth
xx