How do I leave him?

[whatnow1]

I can't see a way out.

I'm so unhappy. DP will never grow up and face responsibility. I won't go into details of the problems as I'm so bored with it all now.
We have a 3.5 yr old DS, I'm also 33 weeks pregnant with desperately wanted DC2 (tried for a very long time).

We have our own place - share the mortgage/bills. Supposed to be getting married later in the year. My Father has already paid for the venue (not cheap)

I can't leave our home as I'm a Childminder so it would mean letting so many people down. I'd have to move back to my Mums as I couldn't afford to pay the bills by myself.
The flat is on the market now but obviously not getting much interest right now.
We were going to rent somewhere together (where I can CM from)for a while and enjoy the profits of the sale.

We've rowed today. DP says he shouldn't have to change, I just want him to grow up. Says he asked me to marry him and agreed to have another baby to make me happy
He's just not ready to settle down yet and I need someone who is.
We've been together just over 8 years.

I just cant keep having the same row.

It breaks my heart to think of taking DS away from his father but I don't think we can stay together for the sake of DS.

I don't want to make such life changing decisions while I'm pregnant and hormones flying but I suppose I've felt like this for a while now and just didn't want to give up.

What do I do?

I'd hate to be a single parent but anything's better than this. I just don't think I could manage financially as a single parent. I certainly couldn't afford to rent/buy somewhere.

I don't actually know what I want people to tell me to do. Writing this all down is making me feel a little easier I suppose but I'm still so confused.
Can't afford a relationship councillor and I've heard Relate has a long waiting list?

Have you confided in someone in RL? I'm struggling as to why you tried desperately for the baby if you're so unhappy?

I think you need to talk to your gp as a first start. Your HV may help too?

No I don't like to trouble people in real life. I'm not very good at giving advise so wouldn't like to put someone in that position. They have their own lives to get on with.

I was just desperate for another baby and thought DP felt the same. I have fertility issues and was really worried about it. We were sort of happy at the time. Having the usual couple rows, just thought it was all part of a normal relationship.

I'm crap at talking openly in RL. Would really struggle even making an appointment with the GP for something like this.

Thanks for responding btw, I know it's a bit long winded!

Are you shy? Once you make the start you'll be fine. Write notes before you go.

You do need to confide in someone in RL. A lot of people are good at giving advice.

You'll get some on here too though.

You need to set time aside and talk properly with dp.

You can't marry him feeling like this. How did you feel when your dad paid for the venue? Were you overjoyed or did you have doubt then?

whatnow, when you say you want him to grow up...what exactly do you mean?
You're getting married but he doesn't want to settle down?

You're selling your home and will rent and spend the proceeds?

You do sound down...keep offloading here - as you say, it helps to write it down and it might help you to clarify your thoughts.

Can you tell us what is going on that's making you feel this way - it might help us give you an informed answer iyswim.

I had no doubt when my dad paid for the venue. We were going through a good patch then though. I just kept assuming, when we did argue, they were normal healthy couple arguments. I'm just not so sure now.
I'm not normally shy, not with friends anyway. I used to be terribly shy as a child though.
I just hate to trouble people.
I suppose that's why I used MN, people can then decide if they want to give advise, there's no pressure for anyone.

Oh it's so boring to go into detail. Basically I think he wants to live the life of a bachelor. It's not about other women, I'm pretty certain he's not having an affair.

He seems to spend all his spare money on going out drinking - only once/twice a week but must spend a good £50-£100 per night out.
Says it's his release. He earns much more than I do but he's never got money to spend on us. I certainly have no money to go out (not that I'd want to right now!)

He says I've got him under such a strict routine that he needs to go out. All I asked of him was to avoid going out for just one week so he could put money aside for when I'm on Mat Leave and not earning nearly as much. That's was it! Is that such a strict routine?

We do need to talk but it's impossible as he asks me questions then doesn't let me answer without interrupting. Then he twists my words and I get all confused and end up in a tearful mess.

mumsonthenet We were going to spend some of the proceeds, just so we can have a decent life for a bit. The plan is to put enough of the proceeds away for a deposit on next place and have enough left over so we can actually go on a holiday or buy a half decent car. Just wanted to improve life a little.

Dear Whatnow1
That is a lot of money spent on going out. I understand your frustration. I have divorced recently myself for similar reasons and found a new hubby-to-be who is much more stable,caring and reliable. The trouble is that you are pregnant and I think although later on you might be right to leave your current partner, now is not a good time. As long as he isn't being physically abusive or verbally for that matter- you may find it better to wait until you have had the baby before you leave. Tell him this is stressing you out and it's not good for the baby or you- get a doctor's note to that effect(they will do this for you I'm sure). Youmight just shame him into being responsible even if it's for the last weeks of your pregnancy.

Ok, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Selfish man-child behaviour, and I can see why you are having second thoughts about marriage.

When he interrupts you and twists your words it's because he knows he is behaving unreasonably.

Have you got as far as telling him you want to cancel the wedding and leave him? What is his response?

that's what I thought meemar but he makes me doubt myself like I'm the one with the problem.

Neddie will I really get a doctors note? You're absolutely right about this being the wrong time to make such a big decision but what do I do about the wedding? It's in September and baby due end of March, my parents keep asking me to sort wedding things out but obviously don't want my dad to spend anymore money while I'm having doubts.

btw Neddie well done on leaving your husband and finding someone so special - you're very lucky

I would ask you parents to put any more wedding arrangements on hold. Will he be able to get all (or some) of the money back he has paid for the venue?

Right now, with your relationship so shaky and a new baby arriving, is not a good time to be getting married. Don't let the wedding date pressure you into patching up your differences, without really getting to the bottom of them.

For your DP to have proposed and agreed to another child to 'make you happy' shows deep immaturity.

I hope you can sort this out x

What do you expect him to do when he's not going out? I appreciate that he is spending by the sound of it a lot too much money on nights out right now, but if the only alternative is sitting silently in front of the TV or doing chores then I could see him having a bit of a point. Do the two of you get a babysitter and go out together sometimes?
It is, actually, far more important than people think to prioritize fun especially when you are a parent. There is no reason at all why parenthood should be one long round of chores, martyrdom and whining.
If you talk to your partner and basically say to him that fun is important but that you want some too, ie he can take one night a week to do the childcare while you have some free time, that might help - if you are asking to share the good times rather than stop him having any, it might come across better. To a lot of people 'Grow up' can come across as 'conform, consume, obey and die'.

It just seems like such a waste. I do love him (can't work out why though) and he says he loves me. After 8 years and two children, it just seems so devastating to end.
He is 2 years younger than me (27, I'm 29) so maybe he's just too young for all of this.
We used to have so much fun together

You're right Solidgoldbullet but I just want the two of us to spend some time together. I'd like to go out with him.
Maybe if he saved a bit of cash by not going out so much he could afford to take me away for a weekend or something - I get bored of all the chores, martyrdom and whining too!
I can't afford to go out with friends so that's out the window but just to be able to have fun together would be so nice.

It does feel like a waste, especially if there is genuine love there on both sides. But there also needs to be respect and mutual understanding. It seems right now that you cant find a compromise because each of you is pulling in a different direction.

I think it's really important for you to see someone and talk about your issues. Try and get on the list for some counselling. Maybe you could ask your dad to lend you some money and use it to pay to see a counsellor, rather than for the wedding?

OK you need to work out a household budget that gives you some spending money for treats as well as him. The only way to deal with men like this is to assert your rights ie just do what you want. So hang on to some of your money and get him to pay the gas bill or whatever, have a night out, don't fanny around with more than the bare minimum of housework - basically if you keep doing all the chores and complaining about it, he will keep ignoring you and doing what he wants.

Is offloading on here helping? I hope so.

It must be so difficult having these thoughts when you still feel as if you love him. What do you love about him?

Please talk to your parents as marrying would be devastating. Are you scared they'll bully you into marriage?

Make a dr's appointment soon they can be great to talk to if you have a good one.

If you are having second thoughts about getting married don't do it. Your Dad will understand- and if things work out you can get married when you are sure, even if it is just you and your partner there at the ceremony. No one else matters when it comes down to it (well children and parents -but even these are not the ones getting married-). Talk to your doctor I'm sure they will be able to help. You could always take a break from your partner- don't be angry just do something for yourself. He may miss you more than he thinks. Why not ask him for some of the money he uses to go out so that you can pamper yourself!!!