Should I have it out with MIL am unsure??

[macdoodle]

In a nutshell for those who dont know - have been with H for 10 years - affair 3 years ago, baby with OW,reconciliation my DD2 now 1 (6 months younger than OW baby), lots lies, manipulation, control, abuse.

Have only slowly realised quite how bad things have been and quite how emotionally abusive he has been (with the odd smattering of physical thrown in), he has recently been arrested for assault against me ,I have now filed for divorce finally (we have been seperated living apart for 2 and half years despite DD2 coming along as a surprise), and met a lovely NM ....but things are very very hard and he uses our 2 DD's as his only means of control

Anyway, his mother who is usually ok-ish , was pretty poisonous when he was arrested, angry with me demanding I drop charges, saying is all my fault, I am afraid I lost my temper and told her a few home truths about her DS....previously I have kept it all quiet and never really admitted to anyone what was happening (even to myself)

She has each DD one afternoon a week, which she said she wanted to continue (I can manage fine without her), she also said she wouldn't babysit for me to see NM (she very very rarely babysits anyway)...

So today, she picks DD1 up from school and brings her to my house to get changed then they go back to hers for tea, tonight H picked DD1 up from her to sleep at his (a rare occurence)....and tonight I have had him on the phone demanding to know why I have bought a webcam (I bought it today and it was on the sette in its box, yes bought to communicate with NM who lives miles away and works away)...I asked why he was in house when I wasnt there and he said he wasnt his mother told him

Why on earth would she do that, what did she hope to gain, why is she spying on me, what did she think he would do - is she an idiot does she want him arrested again - am so angry have managed (after a few glasses wine) to resist phoning her tonight, but feel like I should go round there tomorrow and tell her she is no longer welcome in my house to nose and spy and gossip....would not stop her seeing the DD's but I dont want her anywhere near me - should I or should I just leave it

don't call her tonight

speak to her tomorrow if you feel that it's worth it

but try to speak to her calmly

I'd set my boundaries with her face to face....but only when sober. Don't be tempted to do it after a few glasses of wine.

Unless I'm not quite getting it (certainly possible!), I could imagine your MIL commenting in quite an innocuous way on a new gadget but wtf has it got to do with your ex? That's who my ire would be aimed at.

Quite! Tell your ex what you do is none of his business - end of.

Wait till you are sober, then calmly tell her that you would appreciate that she does not relay any information about you to ex. Tell her what has happened and where you think it may lead (his further arrest).
I totally get why you are so pissed off, you may want to mention that she cannot get back in your house if she is going to continue to do this (i've had a few drinks as well though hic).
Its just about establishing boundaries, she still wants to see her grandchildren, she still loves her twat of a son.

Who does your ex think he is, demanding to know why you've bought a webcam? Tell him it's none of his business.

I wouldn't get angry with your ex-MIL - she's not really spying on you per se. Although her reporting to your ex about your purchases is annoying.

Either don't let her in your house again or simply make sure there's nothing of interest for her to see.

Personally, I think leaving it all together is better. Just don't invite the MIL into your house in the future.

There is no law about relaying info to her son. You can't stop her actions but you can stop what she sees.

If you invite this man over to your house for a meal or something, do you want your ex sitting outside or texting (or phoning) you while you are trying to create a romantic moment - with the source of the info being the MIL.

Solve the problems and close openness gestures till there is less opportunity's.

Keep the contact as it is, if the MIL wants to change the child's cloths, send her a bag with cloths that she can keep at her place.

It's much harder to break a bad habit than to nip it in the bud when the problem shows it's self.

If this is a reaction to you getting a web cam, can you imagine the reaction to you wanting to use a babysitter so you can go out on a date or just go out.

Ouch! None of either of their business (grammar??) Anyway, good on you for telling your MIL a few home truths about her ds. She needs to accept that this relationship (between you and your ex) is over, and although I think it is right and in her interests that you allow her to see her grandchildren, she needs to accept and respect your privacy too

Don't have it out with MIL as it may have been an innocent comment and you'll never know for sure from either of them.

Neither she or X have to know what you're doing with your time while she's babysitting, or why you have a webcam. So, don't feel obliged to offer that information, or to tell the truth if you feel pressed to say anything.

I'd politely avoid discussing subjects other than your DDs altogether. Anything else is simply no longer any of their business.

If you have involvement with your mil then Im afraid you probably have to accept that anything you tell her/show her will be relayed back to her son. My ex mil doesn't even have that close a relationship with my ex/her son and she still passes info on to him. Play clever, tell her what you want her/your ex to know only. Definately don't allow her to enter your home, unless you have hidden anything you don't want her to see.